Not a Hero
by justkillingtime
Summary: Alex is everyones hero...but he doesn't see it that way. I wasn’t trying to save dozens of lives. I was only trying to save one.” A shooting at Joe's leaves Izzie seriously injured and Alex to pick up the pieces.
1. Not a Hero

**a/n: I'm just testing the waters with this story. If you're interested in seeing what happened please review.**

/\//\//\

Alex stood at the edge of the stage. There were photographers and reporters and news crews everywhere. They were all there for him; they were all there because they wanted to talk to him. He was their hero. The Chief stood on the stage beckoning him on but Alex just stood there frozen. He couldn't go on the stage; he couldn't face everyone and let them call him a hero. He wasn't a hero, he was just a person. He walked away from the stage and back inside the hospital. He found himself an empty on call room and locked himself in it. Then he started to cry. Violet sobs, like he'd never in his whole life cried.

After a while the tears dried up and he just sat there on the bed, numb, emotionally, physically drained. He heard someone knocking on the door.

"Alex, are you in there? It's me. Meredith."

He opened the door for and she sat down next to him on the bed.

"What happened out there Alex?" She asked. "I've never seen you like that."

"I couldn't do it. I couldn't go out there, stand on that stage and let them call me a hero."

"But Alex, you are a hero. Your actions saved dozens of lives."

"I'm not a hero. I wasn't trying to save dozens of lives. I was only trying to save one."

/\/\/\/\/\


	2. One week earlier

_**a/n: Thanks everyone who sent reviews. I'm satisfied that there's enough interest for another part so here it is.**_

_

* * *

_

_One week earlier_

Things were on the up and up for Alex Kerev everything in his life seemed to be going the right way for once. That afternoon he'd had a talk with Dr. Montgomery. A few weeks ago he'd asked her if she'd consider mentoring him in neonatal surgery. She'd finally gotten back to him and her answer was yes. Starting next week he was back on her service and this time he couldn't wait to get started.

Career wise things couldn't be going better and personally things were going great too. He was in love. Alex Kerev was in love with Izzie Steven and this time they were doing things right. It had been three months since they'd started seeing each other again and they were starting to talk about moving into together. Yes things were going pretty great for Alex Kerev.

//\/\//\

To celebrate the success of his day and his prospective new career in neonatal surgery Alex was at Joe's having a few drinks, with the gang. Well he was, having drinks with the gang. Meredith and George were still sitting at the bar drinking but now he was teaching Izzie how to play darts.

She was a natural, they'd only been playing ten minutes and she was already beating him. She laughed as she hit yet another bullseye.

"That's two games to me and none to you." She said wrapping her arms around her neck and kissing him.

"Beginners luck." He said trying to brush it off. A little part of his ego was bruised by his girlfriend beating him at darts. "Best three out of five?"

She laughed again. "How about instead of playing darts all night you accept that I'm better than you and we head back to your place." She kissed him again and he had to admit she made a pretty good offer.

"Alright." He kissed her one more time. "Meet me at the door. I just need to go to the bathroom."

Alex walked toward the bathroom smiling. He was on top of the world. He stopped by George and Meredith who were talking about how crap their lives were and said. "My life is grand." Then he disappeared into the bathroom up back.

/\/\/\/\

Alex's life was grand but all it takes is a split second for things to change completely. He was zipping his fly when he heard it. The loud ear splitting crack, bang, whatever you want to call it, it sounded like a car back firing. He didn't think much of it until he heard it again and again, then he heard the screaming.

He ran out the bathroom and back into the bar. Standing with his back to him in the middle of the bar was a man. The man was yelling and screaming and firing a gun. Everyone was ducking and screaming and crying and the man just stood there firing. He wasn't aiming at anyone or anything just firing.

Alex stood there for a second frozen to the spot, but then he switched to auto pilot. He had to stop the man; he had to stop the bullets. He ran at the man and jumped on him. The impact knocked the man to the floor and sent the gun flying but not before the man turned enough to fire a bullet through Alex's shoulder.

Alex didn't feel the bullet, he didn't feel any pain. So much adrenalin was running through his body he was unstoppable. He pined the man in a matter of seconds and the firing stopped.

The bar was eerily quiet for a second; the firing had stopped as quickly as it had started. Then the night was filled with the cries of those injured and traumatized.

Alex knelt on top of the man, holding him down until police arrived. He scanned the room. He could see Meredith and George sitting on the floor next to their chairs. Meredith's face was covered in blood and George was holding his leg and trying not to scream. But he couldn't see Izzie. He thought maybe she wasn't there; maybe she'd been outside when it started. But if she'd been outside she'd be inside now. Doctors, nurses and paramedics were all descending on the bar from across the road.

He kept looking through the room and then he saw her. She was lying on the ground behind a table. She wasn't moving and there was a pool of blood forming behind her head.


	3. Chapter 3

**a/n: Thank you everyone who has reviewed. This part is for you and please keep reviewing. **

* * *

"Izzie!" Alex screamed inside of himself.

He stared across the room at her body beckoning for it to move, react, show some sing of life but she just lay there. He wanted to run to her, help her, save her but he was frozen.

Later people would tell him he stayed on top of the man until the police arrived so the man couldn't get away. But he stayed there because he literally could not move. He was afraid to go over there, afraid of what he would see. He could see a lot from where he was and that was scary enough. The police arriving snapped him out of it. He ran over to her body and knelt beside her. Thinking like a man in love and not a doctor he pulled her into his arms and held her. He thought she was already gone, there was so much blood, but she was still warm and the wound was still bleeding. He felt blood pooling in his hands and then he heard her breath.

Her breathing was weak but it was there. There was hope. He called out to the paramedics that he needed a hand. They brought him over a gurney and helped him lay Izzie on it. They wheeled the bed across the road to the hospital. Alex held Izzie's hand the whole way. He talked to her, told her to hang on, that help was on its way. Told her she wasn't allowed to die on him. His voice, his touch, something he did stimulated something inside of her. Just as they were entering the hospital she opened her eyes. See looked straight at him, tried to say something but no sound came out.

Inside the ER was crazy. Twenty people had been shot and they were all being brought into Seattle Grace. Later they'd try to move some of the less serious to other hospitals but every single victim was an employee at Seattle Grace and they were all reluctant to leave.

Alex stayed with Izzie in the ER. He did not leave her side as the doctors and nurses ran around them both trying to stabilize her. A 911 page had gone out to every surgical attending, resident, and intern who wasn't already working or at the bar. Ten minutes after the shooting they started arriving at the hospital. Dr. Shepard was sent straight to Izzie's room. By the time he arrived she was somewhat stable. He ordered them to take her up for a CT and clear an OR. Then he told Alex he should probably get someone to check out his shoulder. It was then and only then that Alex even realized he'd been shot.

The rest of the night blurred into a mass of blood, trauma, tests and waiting. There was a lot of waiting. Waiting for doctors, waiting for x-rays, waiting for ORs to empty, waiting for news on Izzie. A doctor Alex didn't recognize stitched up his shoulder. The wound was a very fortunately placed through and through, it missed all the important blood vessels, nerves, and bone. The doctor told him he'd be fine. Alex wondered what definition of fine the doctor was using. He wasn't fine.

He wondered the halls of the hospital, not knowing what to do with himself. He avoided the OR floor, for once he didn't want to see what was going on there.

He found Meredith and George sitting in a room on the fifth floor. George was sitting up in the bed. His right leg was heavily bandaged. Meredith sat in a chair next to him; there was a piece of tape covering her right cheek.

When he came into the room Meredith stood up and hugged him.

"Alex. I'm so glad you're okay." She exclaimed. " What you did, that was amazing."

"Yeah." He pushed her away; he didn't want her touching him. He took a seat in one of the chairs and closed his eyes. It had been four hours since the shooting, 36 hours since he'd last slept. He was drained of all energy. The room was quiet; none of them knew what to say to others.

"Alex?" George was the one to break the silence. "Where's Izzie?"

They didn't know? How could they not know he thought to himself? "She's in OR two with Shepard." He paused "A bullet hit her in the head." There was silence for a few minutes. Then George asked again.

"Is she okay?"

A lump formed in the back of Alex's throat. He told the truth, that's what he did. He couldn't lie but he didn't want to admit the truth to himself.

"Alex?"

He swallowed the lump. "No she's not okay. She has a bullet lodged in her brain. She is bleeding, she's having brain surgery. Shepard has her skull open trying to save her life. She's not okay."

Alex stood up and left the room. He paced the hallways again and ended up on the roof. He sat on the edge and looked out at the city. Beneath him he could see Joe's. There were police cars parked all out the front and a small crowd of people gathering to see what was happening. Beyond Joe's the city looked much like it did every other night. Everyone was going about their business just like nothing had happened. To most of the city nothing had happened.

Alex was still starting out at the city when he heard the door to the roof open. Dr. Shepard waked toward him. His face was void of any expression. Alex couldn't read him. Shepard sat down next to him but didn't look at him.

"I've been looking for you," he said. "About Izzie…"


	4. Chapter 4

_Alex was still starting out at the city when he heard the door to the roof open. Dr. Shepard waked toward him. His face was void of any expression. Alex couldn't read him. Shepard sat down next to him but didn't look at him._

_"I've been looking for you," he said. "About Izzie,_ she's made it through the surgery."

Alex nodded. "What's her condition?"

"Critical but stable. We stopped the bleeding but we couldn't remove the bullet."

Alex nodded again. He was trying to get his head around what was happening.

"What is her prognosis?"

Shepard didn't answer at first. He thought carefully about how to structure his answer. Alex wasn't like other family and friends of a patient, he was a doctor, a doctor who didn't like things sugar coated. "It's hard to tell sometimes with brain injuries. She's in a coma at the moment. She might not wake up. If she does there will probably be brain damage but there might not be. We'll know more in a few days."

Alex nodded again. The two men sat in silence looking out at the city. Alex was thinking about how quickly thing could go from grand to what they were now, a mess that was incomprehensible. Shepard was trying to imagine how Alex must be feeling. He liked the guy and wanted to help him but there was nothing that he could say that would help.

Eventually Alex spoke. "Can I go see her?"

"Of course." The two men stood and walked off the roof. They took the elevator down to the second floor ICU. When they reached the third floor Alex asked if they'd phoned her mother yet. Shepard said "No. I thought you might like to be the one to phone her." He handed Alex his phone and a piece of paper with the number on it.

Alex took the phone and dialed the number. He wasn't sure what to expect on the other end of the line. He'd never spoken to Izzie's mom and Izzie had only mentioned her once.

"Hello?" The woman on the other end of the line sounded tired and grumpy.

"Is this Mrs. Stevens?"

"Who is this? Do you have any idea what the time is?" It was 5am but Alex had lost all concept of time several hours ago.

"My name is Alex Karev. I'm a doctor at Seattle Grace hospital. I work with your daughter. She's been in an accident. You need to get down here as soon as possible."

"What happened? Is she okay?"

A lump formed in Alex's throat, he swallowed it and kept talking. "Please Mrs. Stevens just come down to the hospital. We can talk about it then." Alex wasn't ready to have this conversation and over the phone was the last way he wanted to do it.

"Okay. I'll be there in a few hours." She said and the phone went dead. Alex handed the phone back to Shepard and the two men walked off the elevator together.

"She's just down here." Shepard said as they walked down the corridor towards the ICU. As they came closer to the room Alex saw, Meredith, Christina, Bailey, and Burke all walk out and head down the corridor away from them.

At her door Shepard stopped and told him to brace himself, that things looked very bad. Alex shrugged he'd seen ICU patients before, he knew what they looked like and it had never phased him. Shepard opened the door and they walked in. Seeing Izzie wasn't like seeing other ICU patients. With others he had distance, no emotional attachment, they were just charts. Izzie was so much more than a chart to him, he loved her and seeing her like that made him feel sick to the stomach.

He felt tremendous guilt over the situation. He felt guilty because he hadn't been there to protect her. He'd let this happened to her. He sat down next to her bed and took her hand. Her hand was cold, Izzie never had cold hands. He tried to use his own hand to warm it up but his weren't much warmer. She'd always been the one to warm his hands. After a while he fell asleep. He didn't want to sleep but he was so exhausted.

He was woken up three hours later by a woman who he'd never seen before but knew exactly who she was. She was Izzie's mother and they were the spitting image of one another. She was tall, blond, and had dark brown eyes.

"Hello." She'd said tapping him on the back. "I was wondering if I could have a moment alone with my daughter."

Alex stood up and left. He found a seat in the corridor and waited. Izzie's mom was in the room for twenty minutes. When she walked out she came over to Alex. Her eyes were red like she'd been crying.

"I've said my goodbyes." She handed Alex a piece of paper with her phone number on it. "Only phone me again if she dies or gets better." Then she walked away.

Alex stood in the corridor shocked. He couldn't believe her mother would do that. But then again he could. He'd seen family do worse things to each other. He walked back into Izzie's room and took his seat next to her bad again. Someone had to sit with her he thought, she wasn't going to be able to do this on her own.

* * *

**a/n: I hope you liked it. Please review and there will be more on the way shortly.**


	5. Chapter 5

**a/n: Thanks to everyone who gave reviews they are much appriciated.**

* * *

Alex sat with Izzie all morning and all afternoon. He left only once when a police officer stopped by to take his statement. They used a small family room on the ICU floor to take it. The whole time he was talking, describing to the office what happened he was thinking about Izzie. He was thinking about how things should have been different, how he should have been there to protect her, should never have left her alone. He gave the statement as quickly as he could so he could get back. The thought of her being alone scared him. He made a promise to himself that she would never be alone.

On his way back to the room he was stopped by a reporter.

"Hi," The woman said a little more enthusiastically then was appropriate. "My name is Cindy Shaw. I'm from the Seattle Gazette. I was wondering if you could spare a few minutes of your time to give me an interview."

Alex didn't even acknowledge the woman. He kept walking and the woman chased after him.

"It would be really great if I could get a comment from you. Everyone wants to know what the hero was thinking."

Alex reached the door to Izzie's room and walked in shutting the door in the face of the reporter.

"Did you hear that Iz?" he asked her as he resumed his bedside vigil. "They think I'm a hero. What a load of crock that is."

/\/\/\

That night Alex fell asleep with his head resting beside Izzie's hand. He didn't sleep well though. He found himself waking up every few hours from nightmares of the shooting. In his dreams he could see Izzie getting shot. He could actually see the bullets going into her and he couldn't stop them; his feet were glued to the grown.

By the time morning came he wasn't rested and was struggling more than ever to keep himself together. Shepard came by early in the morning and took Izzie away for another CT scan and told Alex he should go home and get some rest. Alex didn't go home though. He waited in Izzie's room for her to come back. When she returned he asked Shepard what the results were. He said there was no change. Depending on how you looked at that it could be good news or bad news. It was good that she wasn't getting worse but bad that she wasn't getting better.

For the rest of the day Alex tried his best to remain positive and upbeat. When Shepard had returned he'd pulled Alex aside and practically ordered him to go home because what Izzie needed now was people to be strong for her and at the moment he wasn't strong. Alex couldn't leave though; he didn't want to leave so instead he was doing his best to be positive and up beat. A nurse had brought him some tabloids and slightly out of date magazines so he was reading them to Izzie. He was making fun of the celebrities and the reporters who chose to cover the stories in the first place. He tried to laugh but his laugh was hollow.

Around lunch time Meredith showed up pushing George in a wheelchair. They both looked worse for ware. George's leg was in a heavy brace and his eyes were red like he'd been crying. Meredith looked better, her eyes weren't as red and she didn't look as lifeless.

"Hey Alex," she said as she pushed Georges chair up to the other side of Izzie's bed. "How's she doing?"

"Alright. She's not getting worse."

Meredith nodded as she read between the lines of the comment. "How are you doing?"

"Alright."

"You look like shit."

"Gee thanks."

"When was the last time you ate?"

Alex thought about it but he couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten. He was still trying to remember when Meredith started talking again.

"You haven't eaten anything since the shooting have you?" Alex kept thinking. It couldn't have been that long could it.

"Let me take you out for lunch." Alex didn't respond. He was still trying to remember the last time he'd eaten something.

"Alex you need to eat something. Izzie needs us to be strong for her, which means you need to eat."

Alex really couldn't remember the last time he'd eaten. 'Wow' he thought to himself, it really must have been that long since he'd eaten. He wasn't hungry though. The thought of food made him feel sick. "I'm not hungry."

"You need to eat Alex."

"I can't leave Izzie."

"George will stay with her." Meredith reached out her hand for Alex. "It'll be okay."

Alex stood up reluctantly. He really didn't want to leave. But he knew he had to. Izzie wasn't going to be able to do this on her own but neither was he.

"I'll be back soon." He whispered to her and kissed her hand goodbye. To George he said "Take care of her while I'm gone."

George replied with a simple "I will." And Alex believed him. Izzie would be safe with George he thought and he walked out the door with Meredith.

* * *


	6. Chapter 6

**a/n: Thanks to everyone who gave reviews they are much appriciated and a great motivator for the next part.**

* * *

Meredith took Alex to a small café a few blocks away. She thought it would be good if he got away from the hospital for a little bit.

As they walked down the street people stopped and stared at them. Alex didn't notice, he was too consumed in his own thoughts but Meredith did. Subconsciously she tried to shield Alex from it, it was him they were looking at.

She made sure the table they sat at was at the back and collected menus for both of them.

Alex stared at the menu in front of him. The food on it sounded so nice but he wasn't hungry.

"Meredith you really don't need to do this. I'm not hungry." He tried to say. He wanted to go back to the hospital. Coming here was a mistake. He needed to be with Izzie. George was in a wheelchair if something happened he wouldn't be able to get help fast enough. "Can we go back?"

"You need to eat Alex. We're not going back until you eat something."

Alex put the menu down and refused to look at it. Meredith ordered them both chicken salads. When they arrived Alex played with his, he wasn't going to eat it at all but when he realized that they weren't leaving until he ate something he slowly began to eat. The food tasted like cardboard. Swallowing was difficult, he just wanted to spit it all out but he couldn't. Something about eating felt wrong. Why should he be able to eat and enjoy food when Izzie was being fed through a tube in her nose.

They didn't talk much at the table. Well Meredith talked but Alex just nodded or grunted. He didn't know how to answer her questions and he didn't feel like talking about how he was feeling.

As they were about to leave a small boy came up to their table. In his hand he held a copy of that morning's paper.

"Excuse me." The boy said to Alex placing the paper on the table. "Will you sign my paper?"

Alex took one look at the paper and the nausea he'd been fighting over came him. He ran to the bathroom and vomited. On the front page of the paper had been a very large photo of Alex below the headline.

"Meet Seattle's Latest Hero."

Meredith glared at the small boy and his mother who was standing a few feet away. She'd been hoping Alex wouldn't see that. She left some money on the table to cover the bill and followed Alex into the men's room.

Alex was bent over a stall vomiting up everything that she'd just made him eat. She waited until he'd finished then walked over and handed him a glass of water.

"Are you ready to go back?" she asked.

Alex nodded and they left the café. Under other circumstances there might have been a joke in Meredith being in the men's room but Alex wasn't in the mood for jokes or smart comments. They walked back in practical silence. Alex was thinking about the paper. The headline, that word 'Hero'. He wasn't a hero. How could he be a hero when he couldn't save the one he loved? Walking back he noticed everyone staring at him. He didn't like it. He'd usually love the attention but not now. All he wanted to do was get back to the hospital and sit with Izzie.

Meredith didn't ask him about the newspaper or why he'd reacted the way he did. For that he was grateful. He didn't want to talk about it. When they reached the hospital Meredith made them stop at the hospital gift shop. She brought him chocolate and told him that he needed to eat it all by tomorrow. It wasn't the healthiest thing to eat but at least it had a lot of sugar.

/\/\/\

Over the next three days a bit of a routine developed. In the evenings Dr. Bailey and Addison would stop by for progress reports. Alex would tell them what he knew and they'd read Izzie's chart. They'd ask how he was doing as well. Alex would usually mumble an inaudible response but neither woman would push for him to clarify what he'd said. They'd just let him know that when he was ready to return to work they'd be waiting for him. Very early in the mornings Christina would stop by read Izzie's chart and leave. Sometimes Alex would be asleep and not even hear her come in. Later in the morning Dr. Shepard would visit. He'd draw blood and take Izzie for a CT or an x-ray. And around lunchtime Meredith would stop by with George. She'd leave him in the room and take Alex out for lunch.

They always went to the same café and sat at the same table. Alex liked the café, the staff there were nice. They left them alone and didn't try to ask them questions. Alex was developing a little bit of a celebrity status around the city and whenever they stopped somewhere on the way to or from the café people would come up and want to talk to them. They'd pat Alex on the back and tell him what a great job he did. They'd assume Meredith was his partner and tell her how lucky she was to have him and how proud she must be. They'd both smile nod and keep moving as fast as possible.

Meredith could tell Alex wasn't comfortable with the attention. A few times she found herself grabbing hold of his arm to prevent him from lashing out at people. Once at the café she asked him about it but he brushed it and Meredith didn't try to peruse the topic.

If the circumstances had been different Alex may have enjoyed the attention and being called the hero but as things stood he hated it. It was a slow news week in Seattle so the shooting was still front page news. They ran story after story about Alex, the shooter, and even Izzie who had the unfortunate title of the only seriously injured person. None of the articles made the connection between Alex and Izzie, the only people the reporters were able to get statements from were people who'd been out of both their lives for several years.

As the days went by Alex found leaving easier. His mind was still wrecked with guilt but not so much worry. The tests showed Izzie's condition was slowly improving. Occasionally she'd open her eyes and stare at him while he talked. And a few times Alex swore she squeezed his hand. Shepard told him it was just a reflex but it still gave him hope.

/\/\/\

Four days after the accident Alex smiled for the first time. He was walking back from lunch with Meredith and she was telling him this joke she'd heard about a monkey and a banana. The joke was really really lame but for some reason Alex found it hilarious. Maybe the physical and mental exhaustion that he was feeling had made him snap into a fit of delirium.

"Mer, tell that to Izzie when we get back. Maybe we can laugh her out of this coma." He said still chuckling to himself.

"Laugh her out of it. I like the sound of that." Meredith smiled. She was glad Alex was a little more upbeat. His depressive state was starting to worry her.

They walked down the corridor through the ICU to Izzie's room still smiling at each other. "Do you think it will work? Do you reckon we can laugh her out of it?"

"It's worth a shot." They both laughed again, knowing full well that laughing someone out of a coma was medically improbable.

They were still laughing when they reached Izzie's room. They were both playing images through their head of Izzie waking up and telling them to quit laughing because "that joke so wasn't funny".

When they opened the door to Izzie's room though the laughing stopped. George was sitting alone in the room, tears were streaming down his face. Meredith ran forward and knelt down beside him.

"What happened George? Where's Izzie?" she kept repeating over and over.

Alex just stood in the doorway frozen.


	7. Chapter 7

Alex stared at the scene before him. His mind was doing back flips. "Where's Izzie's? What's happened?" was going over and over in his head.

Meredith was kneeling by George asking him those exact questions but George wasn't answering. George was leaning forward in his chair, his head down sobbing.

"George." Alex had finally found his feet and walked toward him. He pushed him up right and stared down at him. "Where is Izzie?"

George took a deep breath, wiped some of the tears from his eyes and tried to compose himself. "Right after you guys left her intracranial pressure started increasing. I tried to phone you but no one answered."

Meredith touched her phone, she'd felt it ring while they were gone but she'd ignored it.

"They tried to use drugs to bring it down but the drugs didn't work. Her pressure just kept rising." George paused for a second and shudder. "It was so scary. I'd just started reading to her when it happened. Her eyes had been open and the look in them. I swear she knew what was going on and she looked terrified. Dr. Shepard's performing a craniotomy on her now." George lent forward in the chair and started crying again. The emotional stress of the last few days had finally caught up to him.

Alex turned around and walked out the room. On the outside he was composed but inside he was being torn to pieces. He went to the stairwell and started running up the stairs. He stopped on the OR floor and started running towards the operating rooms. He was only a few feet away from Izzie's when he stopped and turned around. He felt powerless enough without standing there and watching it happen. He ran back to the stairwell and kept running up. He didn't stop until he was on the roof.

On the roof he screamed. A loud, deep, hollow, empty scream. He felt like he was going to erupt, explode. He was full of nervous energy fueled by his worry for Izzie. He needed to do something but there was nothing that he could. He threw the sling he'd been wearing for his shoulder to the ground and punched the air with his fists. He felt the stitches in his should rip and begin bleeding but he didn't care. He liked the pain.

He punched the air over and over, after a while it stopped hurting. He missed the pain. He missed the physical pain because physical pain distracted him from the emotional pain that was on the verge of overcoming him.

He looked around on the roof for a way to hurt himself. Not something to cause damage, just something to cause pain. He saw the wall and he punched it. One punch was all it took. He felt the impact vibrate up his arm and down his body. He felt the blood begin to stream from his knuckles. It hurt, it hurt a lot and that was exactly what Alex wanted.

He paced around the roof some more, still not knowing what to do with himself. He needed to do something; he couldn't just sit there waiting for news. He left the roof and began wandering the halls of the hospital. In the basement he found it, a small disused gym. Inside was a treadmill, it was old, simple, manual. Alex stood on it and started walking, it still worked. Soon he found himself running.

Once he started running and he couldn't stop. It felt good to run. It was the release he'd been looking for. His heart rate increased, his lungs screamed with pain but it felt good. It felt so good, everything that had been building up inside of him slowly began to release its self. Sweat streamed down his face concealing the tears that were slowly emerging from his eyes.

Two hours later he was still running. He was afraid to stop. He'd ran him self raw, inside he felt hollow, empty and as soon as stopped he'd be full again. He was still running when someone entered the room from behind.

"Karev!" A mans voice yelled. Alex didn't react, he just kept running.

"Karev!" The man walked toward Alex, stood in front of him. It was Dr. Shepard. "Alex you need to stop running."

Alex shook his head. "No."

Shepard reached out and touched Alex's hand. "Alex you need to stop. I need to talk to you about Izzie."

Alex slowed down and stepped off the treadmill. His whole body was shaking. He knew he needed know what Shepard had to say but a part of him was afraid to hear it. "What is it?"

"She's out of surgery. She's back in the ICU."

"Good." Alex used his arm to wipe some of the sweat from his face. "I should go see her." He started walking out the room but Shepard called out to him.

"Alex stop. You can't go see her yet."

"Why not?"

"Because you're covered in sweat and dirt and I need to talk to you." He gestured to a spot on the grown. "Sit down."

Alex glared at Shepard, how could he, tell him he wasn't allowed to see Izzie. Then he looked down at his hand and his shoulder, they were both covered in dried blood. Shepard did have a point. Reluctantly Alex sat on the ground and Shepard followed him.

The two men sat in silence for a while. Alex scratched at the dried blood on the back of his hand. Shepard watched him. After a while Alex finally asked.

"What was it you wanted to talk to me about?"

"I wanted to talk to you about you."

Alex glared at him again. "You've got no right to talk to me about me." He started to get up but Shepard pushed him back down.

"Maybe so, but I've been watching you these last few days, when I've been checking on Izzie. I wanted to offer you some advice."

Alex stayed but he didn't respond.

"I've seen through the years a lot of head injuries. And a lot of families forced to deal with this. Some families seem to have it all together and then they break down right when their loved one needs them the most. Others have seemed on the verge of collapsing but somehow manage to keep everything together."

"What are you trying to say?"

"No one families experience is the same and neither is anyone persons but I've seen things that work better than others. What you've been doing, it seems like the right thing to do but you're not going to be able to keep it up."

"How would you know?"

"You're hand is bleeding."

"So."

"You punched a wall. People who are coping don't punch walls."

"How do you know I punched a wall?"

"That's not the point. All I'm saying is that you need to take time out. You need to go home, have a shower and get a good nights sleep. You need to start looking after yourself because in the long run you're not going to be able to help Izzie if you haven't."

Alex nodded. Shepard had a point. But he didn't want to go home. He didn't want to leave Izzie but he was also afraid of what he would see once he got there. His apartment was full of Izzie. He shuddered at the thought of being there. He didn't want to be there.

"Do you think she'll be okay?"

"I don't know. Head injuries are hard to tell. But she's still with us, she's still fighting."

"Yeah." Alex smiled a little. "She's tough isn't she?"

"That she is."

The two men went silent again. Alex was thinking about Izzie and how things used to be.

"Can we go up stairs now?"

"Yeah I think it's time." The two men got up and left. On the way out Shepard picked up Alex's hand and examined the damage. "You're going to have to let me fix that up before you can see you."

Alex nodded. He knew Shepard was right on that one.

/\/\/\

It was almost 6pm by the time Alex was cleaned up enough to go see Izzie. He was wearing a freshly laundered pair of hospital scrubs, his arm had been pulled into a new sling and his hand was heavily bandaged. Nothing was broken though, for that he was supposed to be grateful.

Shepard led him up Izzie's room. "I'll let you stay here for an hour and then I'm coming back to take you home. I'm not letting you spend another night here."

Alex nodded, he'd been told. When he was just about to enter Izzie room Shepard spoke to him again.

"Remember what I told you right at the start. Only positive thoughts in her room. She's the one fighting for her life, pessimistic thoughts are not going to help her."

"Okay." Alex entered Izzie's room.

Inside were George and Meredith. George was crying again and Meredith was doing her best to make him stop but it wasn't working. Alex took one look at the scene and moved over to George's chair. He grabbed the back of it and pushed it out of the room.

"Alex! What are you doing?"

Alex closed the door to Izzie's room and pushed George to the end of the corridor. There he stood over him and yelled, "No more crying. You will not cry in Izzie's room anymore." Then he left him sitting alone in the corridor.

He ran into Meredith on the way back to the room. "Alex, what's going on?"

"No more crying Meredith, no more crying." And he pushed past her, took a moment to steady himself and entered Izzie's room.

Things were going to be different now. He was going to handle himself better. He was going to be there for Izzie. He was going to be there for the long haul and he needed to take care of himself. He needed to take care of himself because Shepard said she would need him more later. She would need him as she got better. She was going to get better and he needed to believe it himself.

"Hey Izzie," he said taking his seat next to her bed. "You gave us a bit of a scare there." He brought her hand up to his mouth and kissed it. "You're going to be okay though. You're going to get better."

For the next hour Alex sat with Izzie and talked to her about things. He told her about his conversation with Shepard, well some of the conversation anyways. He told her that he wasn't going to spend the night but that he'd be back in the morning. He kept telling her things were going to be okay. Saying that was more for his benefit that Izzie's. He was trying to convince himself that it was true.

* * *

**That's it for now. Thanks for the previous reviews and please keep reviewing it is much appreciated.**


	8. Chapter 8

Shepard came back in an hour, exactly like he said he would. He drove Alex home and made sure he went inside. It was a little weird Alex thought, Shepard of all people. In the car driving over he asked him "Why are you doing this for me?" Shepard didn't answer straight away, he thought about what to say.

"I don't want to see you break down right when Izzie will need you most" he finally answered.

"But why do you care?" Alex didn't understand Shepard's generosity toward him.

"Because you're my friend. Well you're Meredith's friend which makes you my friend."

"Oh." The two men continued to drive along in silence.

"I guess I feel I owe it to you."

"You don't owe me anything."

"Yes I do. You saved a lot of peoples lives."

"So?"

"You saved Meredith."

"I wasn't trying to. I was only trying to save Izzie."

"I know but that doesn't change what you did. I owe you Alex." Shepard paused for a moment. "I'm going to do everything in my power to help Izzie get better."

"Thank you."

"Like I said I owe you." Shepard pulled the car up in front of Alex's apartment. "Do you want me to pick you up in the morning?"

"No I should be okay." Alex started climbing out the car. He was about to close the door when he asked "Do you want to maybe come up stairs for a drink?"

Shepard thought about it for a second before deciding against it. "I think I should probably head home. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Okay." Alex shut the door to the car and began walking up the steps towards his apartment.

/\/\/\/\

When he entered everything was exactly like he expected but completely different all at the same time. He knew he would feel Izzie's presence or absence as soon as he walked in the door but it wasn't like he expected, it was so much more.

It had been almost a week since he'd stepped foot inside his apartment. Things were exactly like they had been left. Izzie's presence and therefore absence was everywhere. A pile of wet cloths in a basket by the washing machine. A dirty muffin tray in the sink, two dozen muffins on the counter. A bottle of nail polish and a pedicure kit on the coffee table. One side of the bed made. These were all little signs of Izzie, signs that this wasn't a bachelor pad anymore. Izzie hadn't agreed to move in with him yet but she practically lived there already. A little part of Alex didn't want to clean up the messes. To do so would be like erasing Izzie from his apartment. But he knew he couldn't leave things like they were.

He sighed and slowly began the process of cleaning up. He started with the wet clothes. After five days of sitting out a slight odor was emitting from them. He brought them to his nose and breathed in, they smelt like washing powder and must. The morning of the shooting Izzie had run around the house looking for clothes that needed washing; she'd wanted this one top clean and needed to make a full load. They'd been running late and all she'd had time to do was pull the clothes out of the machine before they had to run for the door. She was going to hang them up when she got home. Alex sighed and put the clothes back in the washing machine to be washed again.

In the kitchen he ran hot water into the sink to do the dishes. The night before the shooting Izzie had baked muffins. She was going to bring them into the hospital but they'd left in such a hurry that she'd forgotten them. Alex picked one up and took a bite, even after sitting out for five days they were still incredible. He wrapped the rest of the muffins up and placed them in the freezer, he might need them later he'd thought.

He cleaned the kitchen until it was gleaming. With every wipe he felt he was whipping a little piece of Izzie away. He didn't like that feeling but he couldn't leave things the way they were either. Izzie liked things clean and she'd never forgive him for letting the place go to disrepair while she was gone. He closed his eyes and remembered the first time he'd brought her over. The place had been not exactly tidy and Izzie had made him clean up before they did anything. At the time he'd hated her, well, disliked her for it but now he treasured the memory. He wasn't cleaning Izzie away he was making the place ready for her return, however long that might take.

After things were clean Alex showered and went to bed. He didn't realize how tired he was until he lay down. He'd been running on adrenaline and will power for the last five days and now there was not reason for him to keep going, not at that very instant anyways. He curled into his side of the bed and closed his eyes. He felt Izzie's absence for only a minute and then he was asleep.

That night Alex slept soundly, he didn't have nightmares, he didn't dream at all. When he woke up it was morning, the clock by his bed read 7:42am he'd slept later than he'd planed. He'd been hoping to be at the hospital by 8 but he couldn't do anything about it now. He quickly showered and changed into some clean clothes. He heated one of Izzie's muffins up for breakfast, there were still twenty two of them left it would be okay if he ate one more.

As he walked around the apartment eating he collected some of Izzie's things to bring down to the hospital. He picked up the scented candle she'd burn when ever he farted, they wouldn't be able to burn it at the hospital but it still smelt good on its own. He picked up the Iowa t-shirt of his that Izzie always wore. He brought it to his nose and smelt it. It still smelt like Izzie. After a moments thought he decided that he wasn't going to take that to the hospital. And lastly he picked up a photo of the two of them. The photo had been taken only a couple of weeks earlier at a hockey game. It had been an amazing evening, one of the best outings he'd ever gone on with a girl. He closed his eyes remembering that night. He could still feel the atmosphere in the air and see the smile on Izzie's face as she's laughed at his attempt at commentating the match. He wondered for a second if she'd ever laugh like that again and then he shook the thought out of his head. She would laugh like that again, she was going to get better he reminded himself. He placed the things in a bag walked out the door.

He was almost at his car before he realized his car wasn't there, it was still at the hospital. So much for getting there early he thought and began walking. He walked quickly with his head up. The faster he moved the better he could avoid everyone. People were still double taking when he walked past but no one came up to him.

He arrived at the hospital a little after 9. He stopped at the hospital gift shop and brought the paper and another magazine to read. Alex's photo had finally moved off the front page but it had been replaced by a story on gun controls. The shooting was still very much on everyone's mind.

Alex was walking up the corridor to Izzie's room when he heard someone yelling his name. He turned around and saw the Chief running up behind him.

"Karev,"

"Yes Chief." Alex wasn't quite sure what the Chief wanted, he was still on sick leave.

"How's Dr Stevens?"

"She's doing well, I'm actually on my way to see her. What was it you wanted?"

"Oh, well I'll let you keep moving. I wanted to talk to you about…arrr…what happened the other night and what you did."

"Yeah what about it?"

"There are people at the hospital and in the community who believe that your actions that night were very heroic."

"It was nothing."

"There are a lot of people who would disagree with that. The hospital and the community would like to officially recognize your actions by presenting you with an award."

"That's really not necessary." The last thing Alex wanted right now was to be paraded in front of everyone like something special.

"But it is. The ceremony has been organized for tomorrow morning. You need to be at the front of the hospital at 10am."

"Okay. I guess I'll see you then." Alex continued walking shaking his head. A ceremony? You've got to be kidding.

* * *

**Like always thanks so much to everyone who had reviewed the story and please keep them coming. I know this part wasn't as intense as some of the other parts but I think it's an important bridging part. We're almost back that the beginning.**


	9. Chapter 9

**a/n: Thank you so much for the reviews. It's great to know that there are people enjoying the story. This part is what I meant when I said back to the beginning. It is by no means the end however. Please keep the reviews coming**.

* * *

Alex stood at the edge of the stage. There were photographers and reporters and news crews everywhere. They were all there for him; they were all there because they wanted to talk to him. He was their hero.

He didn't belong here he thought. This shouldn't be happening. He wasn't a hero. He still didn't understand why people seemed to think he was. Anyone else would have done what he did. He was just in the right place.

Since the shooting he hadn't done anything right. First he was there too much, but then he wasn't there when he needed to be. Yesterday had possibly been the first day he'd actually got the balance right but it hadn't done any good.

He'd spent the day in Izzie's room reading a loud. The magazine he'd brought that morning was about cars. He knew Izzie couldn't care less about cars but he'd decided that she had to wake up and tell him to stop. That was his new strategy, bore her into waking up, well not bore, more annoy. He was so sick of reading tabloids.

But Izzie didn't wake up, she didn't do anything. All the progress she'd been making had disappeared following the previous days events. She didn't open her eyes to his voice; she didn't squeeze his hand when he squeezed hers. Shepard said that was okay, he said that's what often happens. For the first time Alex understood what it felt like for a doctor to tell you 'recovery is sometimes a one step forward two steps back process." He understood why families would sometimes lash out at doctors when they said that. It was frustrating to hear. He wanted to lash out, he wanted to yell. "Just make her better." But he knew Shepard was doing everything he could and ultimately this wasn't up to Shepard it was up to Izzie.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like you to please welcome onto the stage Alex Karev."

The Chief stood on the stage beckoning for Alex to come join him but Alex just stood there frozen. He couldn't go on the stage; he couldn't face everyone and let them call him a hero. He wasn't a hero, he was just a person. He walked away from the stage and back inside the hospital.

He started walking toward Izzie's room but stopped and headed for an empty on call room instead. He couldn't see Izzie, not now, not this second. He locked the door to the room and started crying.

He couldn't remember the last time he cried. Like really cried. Tears didn't just slide out his eyes, his whole body shook. He felt like he was being torn apart from the inside out, literally. It was violent, painful, and so good all at the same time. After a while there was nothing left to cry. He just sat there on the bed, numb, emotionally, physically drained.

He didn't know what to do with himself. He wanted to see Izzie but he wasn't in the right state of mind for that right now. He was still sitting there trying to work out what to do when he heard someone knocking on the door.

"Alex, are you in there? It's me. Meredith."

Alex took a deep breath, tried to make himself as composed as possible and opened the door. Meredith slipped inside and shut the door. She sat down next to him on the bed.

"What happened out there Alex?" She asked. "I've never seen you like that."

"I couldn't do it. I couldn't go out there, stand on that stage and let them call me a hero."

"But Alex, you are a hero. Your actions saved dozens of lives."

"I'm not a hero. I wasn't trying to save dozens of lives. I was only trying to save one." His voice trailed off and they sat there silently.

"Is that what's really bothering you Alex? People calling you a hero?"

"They expect me to be proud, grateful even for what they're saying. But I didn't do anything special, I was just there. Anyone else would have done it."

"There were other people there Alex. You were the only one who stopped him."

"But I didn't stop him in time."

"She was already down when you came into the room. There was nothing you could have done."

"I should have been there."

"You didn't know what was going to happen. Don't start playing the 'should have', 'what if' game. We can't change the past and we can't predict the future."

"I'm scared."

"I know. We all are."

"What if she…"

"We'll deal with it when it happens." Meredith paused. Silence hung in the air. "She's going to get through this."

Alex didn't respond. He had his head down looking at his beat up hand. He didn't even know if he was going to get through this. Meredith reached down and took his hand. "We're going to get through this," she said and she slipped something cool and hard inside of his hand. It was the medal the Chief was supposed to give him. "How about we go up stairs and show that to her." She said standing up and moving toward the door.

Alex slowly stood up to follow. He wasn't sure if seeing her now was the right thing to do. He still felt really flat and wasn't ready to be upbeat but Meredith seemed to think it was a good idea.

They walked to her room in silence. Alex twisted the medal around in his hand a tiny distant part of him was proud to have it.

/\/\/\

There was a commotion going on around the ICU wing. Several nurses were running in and out of various rooms. It wasn't until Alex and Meredith got closer that they realized one of the rooms was Izzie's.

Her room was full of doctors and nurses. Well Dr. Shepard and half a dozen nurses. They were all gathered very tightly around Izzie's bed. Alex couldn't see a thing. "What's happening?" he asked to no one in particular. No one answered. He felt Meredith grab hold of his arm. "What's happening?" he asked again.

Again no one answered but a few of the nurses moved. Through the gap he could see Shepard leaning over Izzie, slowly removing her ventilator.


	10. Chapter 10

**a/n: Thank you so much for the reviews. It's great to know that there are people enjoying the story. Please keep the reviews coming**.

* * *

Alex tried to push forward, tried to get to Izzie but Meredith held tight onto his arm.

"What's happening?" he asked again and finally Shepard turned to face them.

"Tyler can you finish this up?" He said to one of the nurses "I'll be back in a minute," he motioned for Alex and Meredith to follow him into the corridor. He shut the door behind him and turned to face Alex.

"Last night after you left she started trying to breath against the ventilator. We've been weaning her off it all night."

"Off the ventilator?" Alex couldn't quite believe what he was hearing. "She's breathing on her own?"

"For the time being. We're going to see how she goes."

"She's awake?" Alex could feel his heart racing. He hadn't been expecting this, not this soon. "Why didn't you phone me?"

"Because you didn't need to be here."

"I should have been here." Alex looked down at the medal he still held in his hand. Suddenly the very thought of it made him feel sick. Yet again he wasn't there when he should have been. "Can I go see her?" He needed to talk to her. He needed to explain.

"Soon." Shepard walked back into the room leaving Alex and Meredith in the hall.

"She's awake?" Alex looked at Meredith disbelief was all over his face.

"That's what he said."

"Oh my god." Alex was excited, pleased, happy, this was good, really really good. This was a sign, evidence that Izzie was getting better. He waited anxiously in the corridor for Shepard and the nurses to finish what they were doing. He wasn't sure what he'd say to her or what she might say to him but it was going to happen soon.

After another ten minutes Shepard and the nurses walked out. One of the nurses smiled at Alex and he smiled back. Shepard pulled Meredith aside and was talking to her about something. So Alex entered the room by himself.

He wasn't sure what he was expecting to see but what he saw wasn't it. He'd forgotten that life wasn't like the movies; people don't just wake up and be fine. He knew this, he was a doctor but some how he'd thought things would be different. This was Izzie not…

She lay in the bed, her eyes were open and she was more alert than she'd been all week. The ventilator had been removed but in its place was a CPAP mask. The mask wasn't as scary as the ventilator to look at but it wasn't nice either. It covered her nose and her mouth and had been carefully secured to her face to avoid her injuries.

"Hey Izzie," He said walking up to her bed and taking her hand. She smiled at him but didn't talk, instead she tried to move her hand to her throat to say she couldn't but her coordination was off and she hit herself in the head instead.

Tears started to water up in her eyes.

"It's okay." Alex reached over the bed and took her other hand as well. He held them both tightly, so he could feel connected to her, but also so she wouldn't try to move them again. "I understand. You can't talk yet."

She nodded at him and smiled. They sat in silence for a while. Alex wasn't sure what to say to her, not when she couldn't communicate back. Then he remembered the book he'd brought.

That morning on his way to the hospital he'd stopped at a book store. He'd spent an hour with the shop assistant trying to find this one book he'd remembered Izzie saying she'd like to read. The problem had been all he could remember about the book was that the cover was yellow. The assistant had pulled out almost every single book with a yellow cover before they found the one Alex was looking for. The experience had actually been a little fun. The assistant had been really nice, and chatted to Alex about unimportant things. It wasn't until he went to pay for the book and the assistant told him he could just have it that he realized she knew who he was.

"You can have it." She'd said. "My boyfriend was at that bar. It's the least I can do to say thanks. I hope your girlfriend likes it and gets better soon."

"Thanks." He'd said on his way out. That had been the reason he hadn't seen Izzie in the morning.

He pulled the book out of his bag. "I brought this for you this morning." He said showing it to her. "Would you like me to read it to you?" Her eyes lit up when she saw it. It was perfect. She squeezed his hand a little and Alex knew exactly what she meant.

He read to her all afternoon. They stopped only a couple of times when he needed to get a drink or the nurses needed to check something. Izzie was doing really well. Only twice did they need to remind her to breath. But that was okay; it just meant she needed to be closely monitored.

By the time 8pm rolled around and visiting hours were officially over the book was finished. Alex was exhausted and so was Izzie; this was the longest she'd been alert for since it happened. The nurses came and shooed Alex out of the room.

"Visiting hours are over." They said. "She needs to get some rest and so do you." Alex left without to much fuss. He kissed her hands goodbye and promised to be back in the morning.

/\/\/\

That became Alex's routine for the next three days. In the morning he'd stop at the bookstore and buy a book. The shop assistant would help him pick one out that she thought him and Izzie would enjoy. She wasn't allowed to let him have them for free but she did give him a heavy discount on them.

At the hospital he'd sit in Izzie's room and read to her all day. He only stopped when others came to visit. Mainly George and Meredith but they were both back at work now so they only stayed a little while. The other doctors stopped by sometimes as well but they never stayed very long. Addison and Bailey started coming in the evening together. One would stay in the room with Izzie while the other would take Alex into the corridor and talk to him about coming back to work. He'd tell them he wasn't ready, they'd accept his answer and he'd go back to reading to Izzie.

It was a good little routine. Izzie was getting better, she was getting stronger. Her breathing was improving; she was only on the CPAP at night now. She still couldn't talk though, the ventilator had irritated her vocal cords but Shepard said the problem should fix its self in a few days. She could move her mouth to try and form words but no sound would come out. Alex wasn't any good at lip reading though so their communication was confined to hand squeezing. Her coordination was still too off for her to be able to do anything else. At night and whenever she was alone her hand were tided to the bed to prevent her from hurting herself. As soon as Alex would arrive in the morning he's loosen the restraints. It was horrible to see her tied to the bed so that she couldn't move when she wanted to but it was worse to see her hurt herself.

On the fourth day Alex arrived a little later than usual. When he came into Izzie's room there was a speech therapist in there talking to her. When she saw Alex enter the room she excused herself and told Izzie she'd be back later in the day.

Alex sat down in his usual seat and pulled out today's book. "Look what I have today." He said showing the book to Izzie. She reached out and took his hand. She pulled him a little closer to him and said her first words to him in almost two weeks.

"Who are you? Why do you sit here with me everyday?"


	11. Chapter 11

**a/n: Izzie is finally awake so this part goes back a little bit to when she woke up. I wanted to try and explore what was going through her mind. And again thank you so much for the reviews. It's great to know that there are people enjoying the story. Please keep the reviews coming**.

* * *

Izzie opened her eyes and blinked. She didn't know where she was, she didn't know how she got there. Her head was throbbing. She tried to reach up to it and touch it but she couldn't move her arms. She looked around and blinked again. Things were starting to come into focus.

She was in a hospital, in a bed. She felt her chest expand and her lungs fill without her doing anything. That's what made her aware of the tube running down her throat. She gagged on it, she wanted to pull it out but she couldn't. She felt the machine expand her chest again. She didn't like it. She used all her energy to try and stop it but she couldn't, so she did the next best thing. When the machine relaxed she tried breath against it. It hurt but it felt good to have control. She kept doing it and eventually the machine started beeping.

A team of nurses came running into her room. One pressed some buttons on the machine and made it stop beeping. Another came over to her bed and told her to relax, to let the machine breath for her. Izzie didn't want the machine breathing for her. She didn't listen to the nurse; she kept trying to breath against it.

Soon a doctor arrived. He told her his name was Dr. Shepard. He spoke to her very slowly and clearly.

"Izzie," he said. "You need to stop fighting the machine; it's here to help you."

She shook her head she didn't want a machine breathing for her. She wanted to be in control. She was scared and she didn't know what was happening, why she was there. She needed to be in control and at that moment breathing was the only thing she could control.

She kept fighting the machine and eventually the doctor changed the settings on it. He said they had to leave the tube in over night but he'd take it out in the morning if she was still going well. She nodded in understanding. There was nothing more she could do. She concentrated on her breathing all night. It felt like she was breathing through a straw. It was difficult and exhausting but she was doing it. She was in control.

In the morning the doctor came back. He told her she was doing well, that he would remove the tube. She felt happy, relieved. As the doctor was removing the tube she heard the door open and someone walk in.

The person, a man, kept asking what was going on. She recognized the voice but couldn't place it. The doctor seemed surprised that this other man was there. He finished pulling out the tube and left the room with the other man.

Izzie took her first breath on her own. It hurt, her mouth was dry and throat felt raw. She tried to speak but no sound came out. She didn't know what was wrong, what was happening to her. She tired again but still nothing. She tried to reach up to her mouth, she needed to tell someone what was wrong, but she couldn't control her body, she couldn't move how she wanted to. She lay in the bed, she felt trapped.

The doctor came back into the room and placed a mask over her face. Her instinct told her to fight it but she couldn't. Carefully he secured it to her face, as he did he spoke to her.

"Izzie," he said. "I know this is scary but you need to try and relax. The mask will help you breath."

She tried to relax but it was difficult. He was right, she was terrified. She didn't know what had happened, why this was happening. She tried to focus on her breathing again. She took a deep breath. He was right; it was easier with the mask. She focused on his eyes, begged him to tell what was going on.

"You were shot in the head." He continued. "You've been in a coma for seven days." His words soaked into her but she couldn't remember any of it. She tried to talk but again no sound came out. He understood what she was trying to do. "Don't try to talk. Your vocal cords were irritated by the ventilator. In a few days it should be okay." She nodded slowly. The doctor's words sinking it. "I'll be back later to see how you're doing. There is someone outside who would like to see you."

The doctor and the nurses filed out of the room and another man entered.

"Hey, Izzie," he said walking toward her bed and taking her hand. His voice was the one she'd heard earlier. The one she knew but couldn't place. She smiled at him and tried to tell him she couldn't talk. Her arm moved up but instead of touching her throat she hit her face. It hurt; tears started welling up in her eyes.

The man reached over her bed and took her other hand. He held both her hands tightly in his and looked her straight in the eye. "It's okay," he said. "I understand. You can't talk yet."

She smiled at him. She didn't know who he was but there was something about him that made her feel safe. She wasn't as scared when she was with him. They sat in silence for a while, just staring at each other.

Then he picked up his bag and pulled out a book. He read to her all day. She didn't understand the words he spoke. She couldn't concentrate enough to follow or even remember the story but there was something about his voice that she found hypnotic.

Everyday he came to visit. Everyday he'd bring a new book and read to her. She looked forward to his visits more than anything else. Sometimes other people would visit. She didn't know who they were but they seemed to know her. She didn't like it when they were there. She only wanted him.

As the days went by she gradually became stronger. She was breathing better, concentrating better. On the forth day a speech therapist visited. They tried some exercises and she uttered her first words since the incident. Her voice was soft, barely audible but it was still there. This was what she'd been waiting for. She anxiously waited for the man to come. He was later than he usually was but it was okay, it gave her more time to practice. She practiced making sounds and forming words.

When he arrived the speech therapist excused herself. "I'll be back later." She said, smiling at Izzie as she left. Izzie smiled back and took a deep breath. She watched the man as he took his usual seat and pulled out another book.

"Look what I have today." He said showing it to her but at that moment Izzie couldn't care less about the book. She reached for the man and pulled him close to her. She looked him straight in the eyes and spoke.

"Who are you? Why do you sit here with me every day?"

She stared at the man, beckoning him for an answer but he didn't say anything. Instead he pulled away from her and walked out the room. She watched the door close behind him. That wasn't supposed to happen. She wanted to run after him, make him come back but she couldn't. Tears stared welling up in her eyes. What had she done?


	12. Chapter 12

**a/n: This is just a little part but it was written so I thought I'd post it. Thank you so much for the reviews. It's great to know that there are people enjoying the story. Please keep the reviews coming**.

* * *

Izzie stared at Alex beckoning for him to talk to her, give her the answers she so desperately needed but he turned away, he walked out the room. He began walking up the stairs to the roof. He needed space, time to think. He'd always known that there was a possibility of amnesia, it was almost a given that she'd suffer some but he wasn't ready for this. He wasn't prepared for…she didn't know who he was.

How was he supposed to explain to her who he was, how much he felt about her, how much he thought she felt about him. Thought, past tense, she didn't feel anything for him now; she didn't even know who he was.

Tears began to well up in his eyes. He hadn't cried since he was a child but these last few weeks he seemed to be doing it more and more often. He stared out across the city, searching for that little piece that was as torn apart as he was, but it wasn't there. Everything was the same, everything was together. The city hadn't stopped just because his life had. The world keeps turning but things were never going to be the same.

Alex sat on the roof for a long time thinking about what to do. Part of him was telling him to go back, try and fix things. The other part was telling him to run while he still could. He didn't know if could do this, if he could still be the man Izzie needed him to be. He was still thinking things through when Dr. Shepard came and sat next to him.

"I thought you might be up here." He said taking a seat next to Alex. Alex didn't respond at first, he just kept staring out across the city. He'd trusted Shepard to make things better and at this instant he was feeling betrayed.

"Did you know?" he asked. "That she doesn't remember anything."

"I thought so but I didn't know until she started talking."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"There was nothing to tell. You knew there was likely to be some amnesia. It's only now that she can communicate that we're realizing how extensive it is."

"She doesn't even know who I am."

"I know, but she's still asking for you."

"What? How?" Alex was surprised. She was asking for him but she didn't even know who he was.

"She's been asking the nurses to find the man who brings the books. She wants to talk to you."

Alex listened to Shepard talk, his words slowly sinking it. Izzie was asking for him. She wanted to talk to him. These were good signs. He stood up and started walking toward the elevator. He was going to talk to Izzie because that was what she wanted.

"Alex?" Shepard asked him on the elevator ride down. "How are you holding up?"

"Okay I guess." He hadn't been expecting the question.

"Good. Don't forget to take care of yourself. The hard stuff is only just beginning."

"I won't."

The elevator dinged to say they'd reached the second floor. The doors opened and the two men walked out.

"I'm bringing some physical therapists over this afternoon. I'll see you then." Shepard said and walked off.

Alex took a deep breath and began walking towards Izzie's room. He was nervous but he wasn't sure why. He had no reason to be nervous. But then he did have reason. What was he going to say to Izzie, what was she going to say to him. He didn't know, all he knew was he had to see her. He needed to explain to her why he'd walked away. He still cared deeply about her, he still loved her, he needed to make things right.

He opened the door to Izzie's room and walked in. She was laying in the bed, tears trickling down her face. A nurse was sitting with her, trying to get her to calm down, stop her crying. The nurse left as soon as Alex came in.

He walked toward her bed and with his hand he reached down and wiped the tears away from her eyes

"I'm Alex." He said. "I love you."

Izzie looked back at the man, Alex and smiled. He said he loved her and she believed him. It had to be love for he sat with her every day but she still couldn't remember him. They sat in silence for a while. Alex held her hand in his and kissed it. She closed her eyes and tried to remember but nothing came.

"Alex?" she whispered breaking the silence. "Did I love you?"

Alex turned away from Izzie. He didn't know how to answer her question. He loved her, there was no doubt in his mind about that but they'd never spoken about how they'd felt about each other. She'd never told him she loved him but he'd never told her either.

Izzie watched Alex turn his head away from her. She griped hold of his hand as tightly as she could. She was afraid he was going to leave again and she didn't want him to leave. She needed him, he was the only thing in her life at this moment that felt right.

"Alex?" she whispered again.

He turned around to face her. His eyes were glazy like they were filling with tears. "I don't know. We never spoke about our feelings." He brought her hand up his mouth and kissed it again. "I think it was love. Other people said we were in love but I didn't realize it myself until I almost lost you"

He lay his head down on her bed and she felt his tears soak into her sheets. They stayed like that for a while. Izzie tried to stroke his head but she couldn't. Instead she closed her eyes and tried to remember again. Why couldn't she remember this man, he was obviously a big part of her life. But she couldn't find him in her head. Her memory was blank. How could she lose this man completely? She was shot in the head, that's a good reason to lose your memory. She was getting frustrated, she didn't like not knowing.

"Alex," she finally said. Her voice was soft, barely audible. "Help me remember."


	13. Chapter 13

**a/n: Thank you so much for the reviews. It's great to know that there are people enjoying the story. Please keep the reviews coming**.

* * *

Alex sat alone in Izzie's bedroom, her real bedroom. It had been weeks since he'd been last been there. Even before the shooting they'd been spending most of their time at his place. Beside him sat a box filled with Izzie's possessions. He'd been searching through her room for the last hour trying to find things that might help her remember who she was. He'd found a lot of little things, ticket stubs from hockey games they'd been to, little notes he'd left stuck to her locker, he couldn't believe she'd kept them. There were other things too, the ear rings he'd given her because he could, the shirt he always wore when he stayed there, her mothers cupcake recipe, and photos. There were so many photos. He remembered when most of them were taken. Izzie loved to have her photo taken, probably a side effect of her modeling days. There had been so many times he'd cringed as Izzie walked up to complete strangers and asked them to take their photo. He didn't like his photo being taken.

"Why do we need our photo taken?" he'd always said. "We'll remember the moment."

For the first time he was glad Izzie liked her photo taken so much. There were defiantly things here that would help, that he hoped would help. There were so many memories, so many moments that he wanted her to remember, wanted her to feel. But he didn't know where to start, how to go about it, how many details to include. Did he need to tell her that once he wall papered the hospital with pictures of her in her underwear? Did she need to know that once he cheated on her? That she walked in on him with another woman. That he hurt her so bad that it drove her into the arms of another man, a man who was dieing. Did she need to know these things or could he pretend they never happened? Should he start when they first met or when they became happy? He didn't know and it was driving him crazy.

He was leaning towards starting when they were happy. Things were easier to explain from there, they made sense. But did they really make sense without the history, without the context. That afternoon he'd tried to explain things to her. She'd asked him to help her remember and he'd tried to but after ten minutes they were going no where. Izzie was getting confused and frustrated. Not only could she not remember her past but she couldn't remember the things Alex had told her two minutes earlier.

Nothing would stay in her head and the more Alex tried to explain the more and more frustrated at herself she became. Tears began streaming down her face and all Alex could do was hold her. He wrapped his arms around her and let her tears soak into his shirt. This was the first time since the shooting that he'd really held her. He was afraid that if he held her too tight he might hurt her but he wanted to hold her so tight that her pain would become his.

In the end they stopped trying to remember things. He pulled out the book and they read all afternoon instead. They stopped only once when Dr. Shepard came in, to introduce the rehabilitation team to them. Provided nothing happened over night, physical therapy, occupational therapy, and speech therapy sessions were going to begin the next day. There was no mention of memory recovery, Shepard seemed to think that it was best to just let things be and focus on the physical aspect of the recovery. He said they shouldn't try to force it, that it would come if you gave it time.

Alex didn't want to sit idly by and just wait for her memory to return, and neither did Izzie. He hated her not knowing but she hated it even more. Together they'd decided to run their own recovery sessions. Tomorrow morning after her physical therapy session they were going to try remembering again. Alex had till then to work out what he wanted to say and how on earth to say it.

He placed the lid on the box and went down stairs. Meredith and George were sitting in the kitchen eating grilled cheese sandwiches.

"Did you find what you were looking for?" Meredith asked as he came to stand in the doorway.

"Yeah I found some stuff."

"Do you think it will help?"

"I hope so." He walked into the room and sat down at the table with them. "I want her to know who we are, who she is so bad, but it's so hard to work out where to start."

George swallowed his grilled cheese and placed the rest on his plate. "She really doesn't remember any of us?" he asked.

"Not a single thing, not today anyways. Shepard says that her memories might return but we just have to wait and see."

"How's she handling it?"

"As good as can be expected. She doesn't understand what is going on. She gets confused, frustrated and cries a lot." Alex paused and they all sat there in silence. It had been nearly two weeks since it had happened, the shock of it all was beginning to wear off. For Meredith and George things were starting to return to normal. They were both back at work and trying to move forward. Alex was still stuck in limbo, he couldn't move forward without Izzie; he didn't want to move forward without her. "I wish I could make everything better." He continued. "It tears me apart to see her so sick, so helpless."

"I know." Meredith placed a hand on his shoulder. "You're doing everything you can. You've been there for her everyday, and you're going to keep doing that. This is Izzie we're talking about, just give her time. She'll get through this."

Alex nodded in response to everything Meredith said but he had doubts about almost all of it. Izzie was strong but as a doctor he'd seen even the strongest people fail. As a doctor he'd also seen the closet of relationships crumble at the seams, a little voice inside of him was afraid he'd crumble too.

"If you need anything Alex," Meredith continued. "George and I and everyone else is here for you. If you need a break, someone to talk to or another familiar face, just let us know and we'll be there."

"Thanks," Alex said pushing his chair back and standing up. "I should probably get going. Tomorrow is going to be a big day." He began walking out the room and Meredith got up and followed him.

At the door she stopped him. "Alex," she said. "I meant what I said. We're all here if you need anything. You're not the only one who's taken this hard. Izzie is our friend too."

"I know." Alex understood what Meredith was saying. They were all there and they all wanted to help but they couldn't possibly know how he was feeling. They didn't love Izzie like he did. But they did want to help and he really did need help. "How about you come around tomorrow during your lunch break more familiar faces might be helpful."


	14. Chapter 14

**a/n: Thank you so much for the reviews. It's great to know that there are people enjoying the story. Please keep the reviews coming**.

* * *

Alex walked down the corridor of the ICU toward Izzie's room. It was a little after 9am. He was running late. He'd missed the start of her physiotherapy session but there was nothing he could do about that now. In his arms he carried the box he'd filled up last night with Izzie's things. Things he hoped would help her remember who she was. He still wasn't exactly sure what he was going to say to her, how he was going to tell her life. After several hours of trying to structure what he was going to present he'd decided to just show her everything and see where it all lead them.

As he approached her room he heard muffed cries coming from it. He quickened his pace and when he entered the room he found Izzie yelling at her physio. Well trying to yell, she couldn't project her voice to much louder than a whisper but she wasn't happy. The physio was trying to exercise and loosen the joints and muscles in Izzie's legs but she wasn't letting her do it. She kept trying to pull away and crying out for her to stop. She said it hurt and she didn't want her to do it.

Alex went straight to Izzie's side and told the physio to stop. "What are you doing to her?" he said. "Can't you see she's in pain?"

The physio let go of Izzie's leg and stepped back. "Can I speak to you outside Alex?" she asked and headed for the door.

Izzie griped Alex's arm tighter. "Don't leave me." She begged. But Alex pulled his arm from her grip.

"I'll be back in a moment." He promised and followed the physio out of the room.

The physio was waiting for him a little bit down the corridor. As Alex approached her she started talking.

"You can't go in and do that Alex. You can't undermine my authority in front of her."

"But she was crying, she was in pain."

"She's on morphine Alex, she's not in pain. She just doesn't want to do it."

"If she doesn't want to do it why…"

"Because she has to." Alex didn't understand. Izzie was the patient, it was her recovery, why did they need her to do things she didn't want to do.

"I don't understand."

"You are a surgeon you wouldn't. Recovery is a long drawn out process. Everything we do is in the best interest of the patient. But there are going to be times when the patients themselves don't realize this. Physio, especially at the start is very uncomfortable. She's been motionless in that bed for two weeks, her joints have stiffened and her muscles weakened. She's not going to enjoy these sessions until the joints have loosened, but the longer we wait the worse it's going to get."

Alex nodded. He understood now why this was so important. "I'll go talk to her," he said. "We'll finish this session."

"I'll be in there in a few minutes." The physio said and Alex walked back into Izzie room.

Izzie lay alone in her room. When Alex entered alone she smiled at him. He walked over to her bed and sat next to her. He took her hand in his and squeezed it tight. "Is she coming back?" she asked hopefully.

"In a few minutes." He replied. Izzie tried to pull away from him. She trusted him to protect her; he wasn't doing a very good job.

"I don't want her to come back."

"I know." Alex ran his hand down the side of her face. "I know you don't want to do this but it's for your own good."

"I don't want to." She turned her head away and refused to look at him.

"Izzie."

"I don't want to." He gently reached for her chin and carefully turned her head to face him.

"I know. But you have to."

"Please don't make me." She looked pleadingly at him and he was this close to letting her win but the physio had reentered the room and she was shaking her head at him telling him not to let her win.

"I brought a box of memories with me." He began, he was resorting to bribery. "I'll show them to you after we finish the session."

The offer of memories got through to her. "Okay." She whispered, and the physio walked over to resume the session.

The session lasted another forty minutes. The physio with Alex's help moved Izzie's arms and legs through an entire range of motions. Izzie didn't complain once but there were a few times when she moaned in frustration. She didn't have the strength or the coordination to repeat the movements on her own so whenever they tried she'd begin to lose it.

After every episode it would take a few minutes to calm her down but then everything would appear to be fine. By the time the session was over though Izzie was exhausted. It was the longest period of time since the shooting that she'd had to concentrate for, and also the most physical activity she'd done.

She lay there in the bed trying to get her breath back, Alex reached over for the oxygen mask and placed it over her face. "This will help you feel better." He said. She let him place it on her and she lay there for a few minutes before she started reaching for it and trying to pull it off. Alex pulled it off for her and she smiled at him.

"Show them to me." She said. Her voice was even quieter than usual.

"What?"

"The memories."

"Oh." Alex seemed surprised that she wanted to see them. "Are you sure you want to see them now?"

She nodded in reply. She'd just gone through what was in her opinion an hours worth of agony and torture, she wanted her reward.

"Are you sure you don't want to rest a bit first?"

A little part of her knew she should rest, she could barely keep her eyes open but she wanted to see these memories so bad. She wanted to know who she was; she could will herself to stay awake.

"Show me."

Alex reached down for the box and pulled out the photo album that was on top. He placed it on the side of the bed and asked "What would you like to see first?" This was judgment time. Once he started painting the picture that was Izzie's past there was no going back.

Izzie thought about what she wanted to know. There were a million things she wanted to know, a million things that she knew she would never know. What did she need to know, what did she want to know the most. "Tell me about us," she said. "How did we meet?"

Alex nodded, realizing she wanted to go back to the start, she wanted to know everything.

"We met the day before we started working with each other." He began. "We were surgical interns at this hospital and the hospital had thrown us all a meet and greet mixer."

"We were doctors?"

"We are doctors." Alex corrected. He was still a doctor and he hoped Izzie would soon be one again too.

"Did we hit it off straight away?"

"No." Alex shook his head. "Far from it. There were a lot of ups and downs in our relationship. It was only the last three months that had really been right."

"How long have we known each other?"

"Just over two years."

"What happened before things were right?"

Alex gulped. So many things had happened before things were right. Now was the moment he needed to decide exactly which ones he was going to tell her.

"I used to call you Dr. Model." He reached into the box and pulled out the magazine with the Bethany Whisper photos. He opened it up to her centre fold. "That was you before you became a doctor."

Izzie stared at the magazine image of herself. She reached out and touched it, it was real. She didn't remember any of it.

"I photocopied that photo hundreds of times and wall papered the hospital with them." Alex watched Izzie's face for her reaction to this. He half expected her to slap him or something, but she didn't she just smiled.

"What did I do?"

Alex smiled, remembering Izzie's reaction to the whole Bethany Whisper incident. "You striped down to your underwear in the locker room and yelled at everyone. You yelled at me. You used to call me Dr. Evil Spawn."

Izzie closed her eyes and tried to remember. She tried to picture the walls of the hospital covered in pictures. She could see them, she could see the walls but they weren't real, it wasn't a real memory.

"Alex?" She whispered. "What took us so long?"

Alex knew what she wanted to know, he thought he knew, but he didn't want to go there. "What do you mean?" he asked instead.

"Us. Why did it take two years?"

"It's complicated." He dodged the question. He didn't know how to answer it without talking about Denny. He didn't want to talk about Denny. It had taken Izzie well over a year to get over losing him. He didn't want her to grieve him again, there were enough things for her to be grieving at the moment without that. He didn't want Izzie to know that once he really had hurt her, that perhaps he wasn't really the love of her life, just the replacement. "You look tired." He said instead of answering the question. "You should get some rest before the speech therapist arrives."

Izzie was tired. She was exhausted, but she didn't want to rest, she wanted answers. She wanted to know how her and Alex came to be like this. She wanted to know why it had taken them two years to get together. He was the only thing that felt right in her life right now. When she was with him she felt safe, protected, she trusted him to do what was best for her. Being with him was all she wanted. She couldn't understand why it took them so long.

"I'm just going to get something to eat." Alex stood up to leave, he'd completely side stepped the question.

"Don't leave me." Izzie said holding his hand tighter. He bent down and kissed it.

"I'll be back I promise." He slipped his hand out of Izzie's grasp. "You just get some rest while I'm gone." And he walked out the room. He walked away.


	15. Chapter 15

Alex walked away form Izzie's room and toward to the cafeteria. He wasn't really hungry but he needed to get away. He needed space to think. He needed to work out an answer to Izzie's question that wasn't a lie but wasn't the truth either. He didn't want to tell her the truth, he didn't even want to think about the truth. He was ashamed of the things he'd done. It had taken Izzie a long time to forgive him for what he did, a long time for her to let him in again. He was afraid that if he went there, if he went back into the past he'd hurt her all over again. He didn't want to do that, he didn't want to hurt her again, especially not now.

He reached the cafeteria and joined the queue. He filled his tray with food and paid the cashier. He found an empty table and sat down. He ignored the few stares that people gave him. He was used to them by now and there wasn't that many anymore. He poked at the salad on his tray but he didn't eat it.

He was still playing with his food when Meredith, George and Christina came over to his table and sat down.

"Hey Alex," Meredith said. "We were just about to head up to Izzie's room when we saw you sitting here. What's going on?"

"Oh." Alex had forgotten that he'd told them to come over at lunch time. "Yeah. Izzie's sleeping." He lied, Izzie wasn't sleeping, at least not when he left the room. "I just needed to get out of the room for a while." He continued and started to get up. "I should probably head back."

"No Alex stay." Meredith reached out and placed a hand on his should. "Sit down, talk to us." Alex sat back down at the table. "Tell us about Izzie. How is she doing today?"

"She's doing alright." There was an awkward silence so Alex continued. "She had a physiotherapy session this morning. She cried all the way through it. She didn't want to do it. I had to bribe her with the promise of memories to get her to cooperate."

The others nodded taking in what Alex was saying. "How did she react to the memories when you told her?"

"She was good. She seemed to take it all in. She wanted to know about us. About me and her." Alex paused thinking about the last question she'd asked him. "She wants to know about Denny."

"What?" The others all said in unison. "She actually said Denny?"

"No. She wants to know why it took us two years to get together. I don't know how to answer without talking about Denny."

"Oh." The others understood what he was getting out. "What did you tell her?"

"I didn't tell her anything. I left the room."

"What are you going to tell her?"

"I don't know. I was kind of hoping that when I got back she'd have forgotten she'd asked the question."

"Alex!" Meredith and George both exclaimed, they were shocked that he'd say something like that.

"I know. We want her to remember not forget. But I don't know what to say to her."

Alex paused. He was hoping one of the others might talk, offer him some advice but they didn't say anything so he continued thinking out loud. "I don't want to talk about him. I can't explain him to her. I can't possibly explain to her what she felt for him, why she fell for him so hard and so fast. I can't describe the grief she felt when he died and I don't want to. I don't want to dig up that part of the past because it's over. He's dead, he's gone, he's not coming back, he can't help her. But if I don't tell her about him what do I tell her?"

Alex looked down at his food. He poked at it with his fork. He didn't continue, he was waiting for the others to talk, offer him some advice. They sat in silence for almost five minutes before Christina and George's pages went off. They excused themselves from the table leaving Alex and Meredith alone.

"Tell her" Meredith said changing seats so she was next to Alex. "There was someone else. Another man who she fell in love with. Tell her the other man died and you waited until she was ready to let someone else in."

Alex listened to Meredith's words. They made sense. When she said them they sounded easy but he wasn't sure about it.

"What if she wants to know more?" He asked.

"Tell her everything you know." Meredith began again. "Or tell her you don't know. But you have to tell her something. You have to tell her about Denny in some way or form. You don't have to use his name but you have to tell her something."

"Why?"

"Because it's the truth, because you said you can't lie to her. Because she might remember herself some day and then what would happen?"

Alex didn't respond to Meredith's statements. He knew she was right or she at least made a good point. But he still didn't want to talk about it. He still didn't want to tell Izzie about Denny. A little part of him was afraid that if he told her about him, she might not love him as much. That she'd mourn her loss again. That he'd be forced to sit on the sideline and wait again. He didn't want to wait. Izzie needed him and he needed her. He was still thinking about what Meredith had said when her pager went off. She looked down at it and swore.

"Shit." She said. "I've got to run Alex. I'll come up tonight after my shift and see you and Izzie okay."

"Yeah sure thing." Alex said as Meredith ran out of the cafeteria. He looked down at his plate of food. What had once resembled something edible now looked like a pile of mush. He thought about throwing it out but now he was hungry. Well not really hungry, he felt more, empty, but he thought food might help. Slowly he began shoveling the food into his mouth. It tasted horrible but he kept eating until it was all gone. Then he sat and watched the people as they walked by. He didn't want to go back to Izzie's room. Not yet. He wasn't ready, but a part of him thought he'd never be ready. Never ready to completely answer Izzie's questions. After a while he left the cafeteria. He wandered the halls of the hospital until he wandered all the way out the front door.

He found himself wandering away from the hospital and toward the book store. It was funny he thought. He never went to the book store before but now it was becoming one of his favorite places. He liked the smell of it but if anyone asked him he'd deny it. He liked the peace that the store offered, it was always quite in there. And he liked the idea of books and escaping reality. That was another thing he wouldn't admit to anyone, sometimes he just wanted to run away from it all. He brought a new book and walked back to the hospital. He'd been gone nearly six hours.

He caught the elevator to the second floor. He wondered how Izzie was, this was the longest he'd been away from her during the day. This was the first time she'd been alone during the day. He hoped she was okay, and then he shook his head, of course she was okay. They would have found a way to contact him if she wasn't. The hoped off the elevator and walked toward Izzie's room. When he arrived there is was completely empty.

Alex stared at the room and his heart did a little back flip. He immediately began to think the worse. Images of the last time this had happened began flooding through his head. He walked back to the nurse station and asked as calmly as he could where she was. The nurse checked her records and smiled at him.

"She was transferred to the fourth floor, room 4238, about an hour ago."

Alex breathed a sigh of relief and ran back to the elevator. He'd missed a lot. He was supposed to be there when they transferred her. He'd promised her he'd be there. He couldn't believe he'd missed it. But then he'd been gone six hours that wasn't the only thing he'd missed.

He reached the fourth floor and Izzie's room in a matter of minutes. When he got there he heard talking coming from inside. At first he thought maybe it was Meredith but it was still too early for them to be there. He walked into the room and found Izzie in there with her speech therapist. They were doing exercises to improve her voice projection.

The therapist smiled at Alex as he walked over to them. Izzie didn't smile. Instead, using the exercises she'd just been practicing she said as loud as she could "Where were you?"

Alex stared back at Izzie shocked. This was the first time since the shooting that she hadn't looked pleased to see him. She looked pissed.

* * *

**a/n: The next part is almost finished so please review and I'll get it up shortly. It's great seeing people enjoying the story. Thank you.**


	16. Chapter 16

"I arr…" he stammered. "Went to get some food and umm…" he pulled the book out from his bag. "I brought you another book." He held the book out to her as a life line. She looked at the book and then looked away.

"I think that's enough for today." The speech therapist said standing up. She could feel the tension building in the air. "I'll see you tomorrow, Izzie." And she walked out the room.

Now they were alone Alex moved closer to Izzie and sat on the edge of her bed. He reached over and took both of her hand. He felt her try to pull away but he held on tight. She looked away from him and closed her eyes.

"Izzie, I'm sorry." He said but she didn't react, she didn't move. "Izzie look at me. I'm sorry I was gone so long. I just needed to…" He didn't finish his sentence. Izzie turned to look at him. She wasn't crying but she looked so sad.

"You promised you'd come back." She said in a whisper.

"I am back." But he knew that wasn't what Izzie meant.

"You promised you'd be there when…" Her voice trailed off, she couldn't remember the words she wanted to say.

"I know." Alex said filling the silence. "I missed a lot of things today." He let go of her hands and wrapped his arms around her body in an embrace. "I'm so sorry." He whispered into her ear and he felt her body relax in his.

"I miss you." She whispered into his chest.

Alex rubbed his hand down her back. "I miss you too." But he wasn't talking about today he was talking about before.

They stayed like that for a while; silently holding each other. Alex thought Izzie was asleep, she felt heavy against his chest. His leg began to fall asleep, he moved and she stirred in his arms.

"Alex," she whispered, "read to me."

Alex smiled, things were going to be alright. He reached over for the book and adjusted his position on the bed. Izzie curled into his arms and rested against his chest. He began reading and after ten minutes he felt her body become heavy against his. He stopped reading and closed his eyes. Today had been a rough day. Mentally Alex was exhausted. He'd spent the day worrying about Izzie, what to tell her how to tell her. It seemed now like he'd got his wish, it seemed like she'd forgotten about the questions. Maybe she was just too tired herself to listen to the answers. Today had been a big day for her also. Alex lay there caught up in his own thoughts when he felt Izzie stir on top of him.

"Why did you stop?" She whispered, her voice soft, distant.

"You were asleep."

"No. Just resting. Please keep going. I like the sound of your voice."

Alex picked the book up and continued reading. This time he didn't stop when he felt her fall asleep against him. He kept reading and slowly the hours ticked by until it was nearly 9pm and there was a faint knock at the door.

The door creaked opened and Meredith, George, and Christina walked in.

"We come bearing gifts." George said quite excitedly as he entered the room. He was carrying a large bunch of balloons and was closely followed by Meredith who had a massive bunch of flowers and Christina who was carrying a small teddy bear.

"Shhhh…" Alex placed a finger to his lip and indicated for the group to be quiet.

"Oh sorry." They all said in unison but it was too late. Izzie was awake.

Izzie opened her eyes and blinked. She didn't know where she was. This room was different; it was full of unfamiliar things, unfamiliar people.

"Alex?" she called out fear running through her.

"I'm right here." She felt his arm around her and his hand squeeze hers. His presence made her relax a bit but she was still scared, she still didn't know what was happening. One of these unfamiliar people, the man, came around the other side of her bed. He bent down and hugged her. As he touched her, her whole body tensed up and after he stepped back she was shaking.

"Izzie are you okay?" Alex asked holding her tighter.

She shook her head. She wasn't okay. Using all her energy and concentration she looked up at Alex and said as loudly as she could. "Make them go away."

Everyone including Alex seemed shocked at what she'd just said. He gently moved her off of him and stood beside her bed. "Izzie," He said kneeling down so he could look her in the eyes. "This is George, and Meredith, and Christina. I told you about them this morning. They're your friends. They want to see you."

Izzie believed Alex, perhaps these people were her friends but she didn't want to see them. She didn't want anything to do with them; she didn't want to know them. She couldn't cope with more people, more faces, more names. She had Alex, he was all she needed.

"Make them go away." She said again.

Alex stepped back from the bed. Meredith and George walked up either side of it and tried to take her hands. She pulled them away.

"Izzie." They said softly reaching for her again.

Her body tensed up, she couldn't pull any further away. "Go away."

"Izzie."

"Go away, go away, go away, go away." Her body began shaking violently; tears began streaming down her face. She wanted to stop but she couldn't control herself. Alex stepped forward and pushed Meredith aside. He wrapped his arms around her and held her until the shaking stopped. Tears still streamed down her face.

"Meredith, George, I think we need to leave." Christina said, speaking for the first time since entering the room. She'd been standing back watching what was happening. "Come on guys." She walked to the door and held it open, waiting for the others to follow. Meredith and George stepped back and walked out the door.

Alex felt Izzie's whole body relax as the others began leaving. He felt her breathing level off. He carefully released his embrace and lay her down on the bed.

"I'll be back in a minute." He said and he felt her reach out and grab his hand. There was a look of terror in her eyes. "I promise." He released her grip and walked out the door.

It hurt him to leave her like that. He saw the fear in her eyes but he needed to leave. He needed to talk to Meredith and George and Christina. They were waiting for him by the elevator.

"Alex," Meredith said as he approached. "What just happened there?"

"I don't know. I didn't think she'd be like that, I've never seen her like that." The scene still had Alex shaking a bit. It had been scary seeing her lose it like that. "She's had a busy day. Maybe she's just tired." He was lost for any other explanation. "Maybe come back tomorrow, she might be better then."

The others looked at him doubtful, then the elevator doors opened. The others walked in and Alex began heading back up the hall.

Just as the doors were about to close Meredith called out to him. "Alex come to Joe's and have a drink with us."

The mention of Joe's made Alex freeze. As soon as the words were out of Meredith's mouth she knew she shouldn't have said them.

"I have to get back to Izzie." He stammered and he ran back to her room as fast as he could.

He closed the door behind him and told himself to breath. He was the one shaking now. He'd been doing his best to suppress the memory of the shooting and now it was on the verge of overcoming him. He told himself to breath again and walked over to Izzie bed.

He climbed on top of it and lay down beside her. She was still crying but it was okay. They were together, that was all that mattered.

* * *

**a/n: That's it for now. I hope you enjoyed that chapter, it's been a part of the story I've been wanting to write for a while. Please review and thanks to all those who keep reviewing. Keep it up it mean a lot to know there are people out there reading the story. **


	17. Chapter 17

**a/n: sorry this update has taken a while. I blame the holidays. Thanks to everyone who's been reviewing. Please keep it up, it means a lot to know there are people out there reading the story. And if you haven't reviewed and like to story why not start. **

* * *

Alex feel asleep beside Izzie. He stayed in her room all night holding her. A few times during the night he'd wake up and not remember where he was. Then he'd see Izzie and everything would come back.

He was having flashes back to the shooting, vivid ones where some times he was sure he could still smell the gun powder. They'd leave him rattled and shaking. When that happened he'd pull Izzie closer to him. Holding her, keeping her safe seemed to be the only thing that calmed him down.

He stayed there all night, holding her, trying to sleep. At 5am an intern came barging into the room. He turned on the light and slammed the door waking them both up with a start. The noise set Alex off and he began shaking again. It wasn't until he realize that Izzie was laying beside him crying out that he was able to snap himself out of it. The intern had come around the other side of the bed and was trying to examine her. He was trying to life her gown to place a stethoscope on her back but she was fighting him. She didn't want him to touch her and she was doing everything she could to prevent him.

Alex sat up and glared at the intern "Can you give us a minute here?" he asked lifting the intern's hand off Izzie's back.

"I just need to give a quick exam. It won't take long." The intern said as he continued to try and examine her.

"I know." Alex climbed off the bed and walked around so he was on the same side as the intern. "I know it won't take long but we need a moment here." He pushed himself between the intern and Izzie and proceeded to try and calm her down.

She was crying and shaking again. He rubbed his hand over her back and crooned into her ear. "It's okay Izzie, it's okay. The doctor just needs to do a quick exam. He just needs to make sure you're doing okay. You need to let him do this. It won't take long and I'll be here the whole time." He kept rubbing her back and he felt her begin to relax. When he was sure she was relaxed he moved around the bed so he was facing her again and nodded for the doctor to come forward.

The doctor did his exam as quickly as possible but Izzie continued to fight him as much as possible. Alex had to prompt her to answer the doctor's questions and do the things he asked her to do.

When the doctor left Izzie curled up against Alex. He held her gently in his arms and within a few minutes she was asleep again.

Alex couldn't fall back asleep though. Every time he closed his eyes he was back at Joe's. He tried to shake the images from his mind but he couldn't. So instead he kept his eyes open, he forced himself to stay awake because he could handle sleep deprivation, he couldn't handle the other stuff. He focused all his attention on Izzie. It was his job to help her, it was his job to do everything he could to make her better, it was his job to be with her because if he'd been with her then this wouldn't have happened.

Izzie slept until the doctors returned for morning rounds. They were gentle with her but they still seemed to upset her. It was hard for Alex to witness, before she'd been too weak to react much to people but now everyone except for him seemed to upset her. It took five minutes for him to calm her down after they left. But she needed to be taken up for another CT, and then she had a physio session. He used bribery again to keep her calm, make her cooperate. He promised her he'd be there when she came back and he promised her that when she came back he'd stay with her through the physio and after that he'd do anything she wanted.

It kind of worked, she still reached out for him when they came to take her up to the CT but she didn't cry, not as much as before anyways.

While she was gone Alex sat alone in her room. He was afraid to leave, he didn't know how long they'd be gone and he had to be there when she came back. She trusted him and if he wasn't there when she came back he thought he might lose that trust and then he wasn't sure where that would leave them.

To pass the time he looked through the photo albums he'd brought over the day before. Everyone looked so happy; it was hard to believe things where like they were now. He was still flipping through the albums when they brought Izzie back an hour later. She was lying peacefully on the bed; they'd had to give her a sedative for the CT.

She still smiled at Alex when they wheeled her in. She reached out for him and he took her hands. She pulled him close to her and he climbed on her bed again. He put the photo album across both their laps and began going through the photos again.

Izzie listened to Alex explain the photos and the events surrounding them to her but she was too groggy for any of it stick. She was couldn't keep track of the people or the places and after a while she stopped trying. She didn't care about everything else anymore she just wanted to be with Alex.

/\/\/

For the rest of the morning Izzie alternated between sleeping and looking through the photo albums. The sedative they'd given her for the CT had meant her physio session had to be postponed till the afternoon.

Around 11am a nurse stuck her head into the room and told Alex he had a phone call. He climbed off the bed and again Izzie grab hold of him arm.

"I'll be back in a minute. I promise." He assured her and he released her grip from his arm.

Alex walked into the corridor and over to the nurses station where the phone was waiting for him.

"Hello." He said picking it up.

"Alex." It was Meredith on the other end of the line. "How's Izzie? Is she awake?"

"Yeah she's awake. We were just going though some photo albums."

"Fantastic. We were just about to go to lunch; we'll be up there in about ten minutes to say hi. Do you want me to bring you something to eat?"

"Yeah…umm…whatever you're eating."

"Alright. I'll see you shortly." And then the line went dead.

Alex stood for a minute at the nurses' station just holding the phone. He was a little unsure about what was about to happen. The last time Meredith and George and Christina had visited had not gone well. But Izzie had been really tired and only just woken up. He handed the phone back to the nurse and walked back to the room.

When he came back Izzie was turning the pages in the photo album, she didn't seem to really be looking at the photo though, just turning pages.

"That was Meredith." He said sitting next to her again. "She's coming up with George and Christina to say hi."

Izzie didn't respond. She kept turning pages in the album until Alex took hold of her hand. "Izzie, is that okay?" he asked.

She didn't make eye contact with him; she looked down at her hands in his. "Make them go away." She whispered so quietly Alex wasn't even sure he'd heard her.

"What did you say?" he asked her.

"Make them go away." She paused for a second and then she continued. "I don't want them here."

"Izzie." Alex pulled his hands out of her grasp. "They're your friends. They care about you. They want to see you." He reached over to her head. He tilted it so she was looking at him. She tried to pull away but he didn't let her.

"I don't want to see them." She said louder this time.

"Izzie."

"No!" she was almost yelling now. "I don't want to see them. I don't want them in here."

"Izzie." She pulled away from him as he tried make her look at him again. "Why don't you want to see them?"

"Make them go away." She wouldn't look at him, she wouldn't give him eye contact but he could see she was getting worked up. Her heart rate was increasing, she was getting stressed. And then there was a knock at the door.

He caught a glimpse of Meredith and George through the glass and jumped up before they could enter. He stepped into the corridor with them and closed the door.

"I don't think it's a good idea for you to come in right now." He said leading them down the corridor a little. "She's pretty upset, she doesn't want any visitors."

"I thought you said she was good."

"She was, but she's not now."

"Are you sure?" George was the one asking the questions now. He looked like he was about to cry, he genuinely looked like his feelings had been hurt. "I just want to see her."

"Yeah. I think it's better if you don't go in."

"Okay." George turned and began to walk away.

Meredith and Christina stayed standing in the corridor with Alex a second longer. Meredith handed Alex his lunch and told him to tell Izzie that they're all thinking of her and that they send their love.

Alex nodded his thanks and watched as Meredith and Christina walked away. As they did he heard Christina say to Meredith "Don't worry about it Izzie's just being a bitch."

A part of Alex wanted to lash out at Christina for that comment but a small part of him understood where she was coming from. Izzie wasn't being nice. She was being unreasonable and demanding. All they'd wanted to do was see her, spend some time with her and she didn't even want them in the room. And Alex didn't understand why. He'd been going through albums with her all morning; she had to know who they were now even if she couldn't remember them properly. He took a deep sigh and walked back into the room.

Izzie was lying on her side facing the far wall. Alex heard her sobbing gently to herself. He walked over to her bed and sat down in the chair next to it. He didn't try to touch her this time he just sat there. And after a while when she didn't turn to face him he asked her. "Izzie, what just happened there?"

It took her a minute to answer; when she spoke her voice was shaky. "They're not my friends. I don't know them."

And then just as Alex was about to try and explain to her that they were her friends and she did know them she continued.

"I just want you."

And then she rolled over to face him. Her face was wet with tears and her eyes were red. She held out her arms for him to hold her and as much as he wanted to pull away from her, punish her for pulling away from everyone else he couldn't. He wrapped his arms around her and they cried into each others shoulders but for completely different reasons.


	18. Chapter 18

Alex wasn't okay, he was far from okay. On the outside he looked okay, to everyone else he seemed to be holding himself together but inside he was slowly falling apart. Alex felt alone, isolated, depressed and he blamed Izzie for it. She'd been on the general ward now for four weeks. Physically she was coming along in leaps and bounds, her strength and coordination were slowly returning. She could sit and walk short distances with minimal assistance. But congenitally she was making very slow progress. She'd yet to recover any of her memory and now she's stopped trying to, she wouldn't let Alex show her and of the photo albums or mention anything about the past. Emotionally she was unstable and fragile. She'd experience rapid mood swings and cling to Alex like a security blanket. She was demanding, extremely self-centered. She wasn't the Izzie he'd fallen in love.

Inside he knew it wasn't her fault, he knew she didn't mean to be that way, she was recovering from a traumatic brain injury but still, sometimes it all just became too much. In the four weeks since she'd been on the general ward she'd succeeded in pushing everyone else who cared about her away. Meredith, George and Christina didn't bother trying to visit anymore. After repeated outbursts and being told to go away it had become all too much for them to handle. Meredith got updates on Izzie's condition from Derek and passed the information on to everyone else. George took it pretty hard, a few times Alex saw him sitting in the corridor holding flowers or stuffed animals but he never ventured to the door. As doctors they could all understand on a medical level why Izzie was acting the way she was but it didn't make living it any easier.

Alex had hardly left the hospital in four weeks. He couldn't leave, Izzie wouldn't let him leave. The few times he did leave, when he returned Izzie was hysterical. She needed him to be with her and she made sure he knew it. He wasn't sure if she did on purpose or if it was a subconscious thing but Izzie couldn't function without him by her side.

After four weeks of this things were beginning to take their toll. When Shepard had told him the hard stuff was still to come, he hadn't realized how hard it would be. He hadn't prepared himself for how different Izzie would be. He'd never expected himself to end up so alone. Everyone kept telling him they were there for him, and they probably still were but he had no way of getting to them. Izzie needed him to be with her, she could sense when he wasn't there, and when he wasn't there bad things seemed to always happen.

/\/\/\

"Alex?" Dr. Shepard whispered opening the door to Izzie's room. Alex looked up from the magazine he was reading. It was a little after 6pm, Izzie was sound asleep. "Can I talk to you for a minute?"

Alex nodded and began walking slowly out the room. He walked backward, keeping his eyes fixed on Izzie, hoping she wouldn't wake up. He closed the door behind him as quietly as he could and then checked through the glass to make sure she was still asleep.

"What is it?" he asked Shepard, learning against the door in a way that allowed him to still see Izzie through glass.

"I've been reviewing Izzie's condition with her rehabilitation team. We think she'll be ready for discharge by the end of the week, maybe sooner."

"Discharge? As in go home?"

Shepard kept talking but Alex wasn't really listening anymore. His mind was turning over what discharge meant for him, meant for the situation he was in. He was smart enough to know that discharge didn't necessarily mean things were going to be better. Things would most certainty be different but better he wasn't sure.

"…of course this is all dependent on her continuing to improve over the next few days and someone will have to go over to your apartment to make sure its facilities are adequate to cater for her needs."

"Yeah. Okay." Alex nodded, still not completely listening to what Shepard was saying to him. "Is there anything else?" Through the glass Alex could see Izzie beginning to stir and he wanted to get back inside before she realized he was gone.

"No that's it. I just wanted to give you the good news in person."

"Yeah, great news." Alex didn't sound convinced though. He grasped the handle to Izzie's room and carefully opened the door.

"Alex." Shepard called out just as Alex was shutting the door. "This is good news. Smile."

"Yeah great news." Alex said closing the door. But he didn't sound convinced.

/\/\/\

Discharged, as in go home. This was good news Alex kept trying to tell himself but the thought of it terrified him. At home he'd truly be isolated, at the hospital at least there were doctors and nurses around everywhere. If something happened there really would be no one but him around to deal with it. He wasn't sure if he was ready for this, if this was something that he could handle.

He tried to tell himself that he'd be okay with it, that they wouldn't be suggesting it if he weren't. But he hadn't told anyone how he was feeling, they had no idea how he was coping, or not coping. This decision had everything to do with Izzie and nothing to do with him.

For the hundredth time this month Alex reminded himself that he loved Izzie that he'd go to the end of the world for her, he'd do anything for her if it would make her better. She was the reason he was putting himself through all of this. She was the reason he hadn't worked in over a month, she was the reason he couldn't eat, she was the reason he couldn't sleep, she was the reason behind everything he'd done over the last month. She was his world, his everything, she was the woman he loved, but she wasn't that woman anymore. And he didn't know how to deal with this. He kept hoping that she'd wake up one morning and everything would be normal, that the kind, caring Izzie he loved would return but so far nothing. It was that hope and the obligation he felt to take care of her that kept pushing him forward and let her control everything.

/\/\/\/\/\

"I don't want to." Izzie declared turning away from Alex.

"Izzie come on this is a good thing. I promise you'll like it."

"No."

Alex had just told her about her impending discharge and like always her reaction hadn't been what he'd hoped.

"I want to stay here."

"You can't."

"Why?"

"Because hospitals are for sick people and you're not sick anymore."

"I'm not well either. Look at me."

"Izzie."

"Maybe I should just get sicker." And then she did the only thing she could think of. She held her breath.

"Izzie, don't do that. Stop." She didn't stop though. She stared right back at him daring him to do something. He watched as her stats began to fall. "Izzie, please don't do this. Talk to me. Tell me why you don't want to go home." He tried to shake her out of it, reason with her, but reason wasn't something Izzie possessed anymore. "Izzie come on." He'd reached a point where he was about to physically open her mouth and force her to breath but then she stopped. Tears were welling up in her eyes.

"I want to stay here." She spoke quietly.

"Why?" Alex reached for her; he tried to be soothing this time. "Why don't you want to go home?"

She looked up; tears were just starting to fall down her face. "I don't know what home is."


	19. Chapter 19

Alex spent the next hour trying to explain to Izzie what home was. He talked about what it looked like and then all the things that they could do once they were there. She took a little convincing, change wasn't something she could deal with too well but eventually she came around. She started looking forward to going home. Which was a good thing because if she wasn't she would have been impossible to deal with. She stopped fighting the doctors who were trying to help her and actually cooperated with them. Her physio and other therapies intensified, they wanted to see how far they could push her before she cracked. She was doing well; everyone was pleased with the way she was going.

Alex was looking forward to Izzie going home too. He was excited about the change of scenery more than anything and his own bed of course. A little part of him also hoped that perhaps being surrounded by 'familiar' things might help some of the old Izzie return. He swore he'd seen a bit of her these last few days, once she was on board with the whole going home idea she'd seemed a little different but then again if you want something bad enough you start seeing things that aren't there. In reality he was just grasping at straws.

/\/\/\/\

"Don't go." Izzie grabbed hold of Alex's arm and refused to let go. "I want you to stay."

"I know." Alex sat down again and tried to work his arm out of her grasp. "But I have to leave. You're coming home tomorrow. I need to go and get everything ready for you."

"Stay."

"I have been staying but I can't stay any longer. We talked about this. I told you I couldn't stay today."

Alex released Izzie's grasp from his arm and stood up again. He stepped back from the bed so she couldn't reach him.

"Don't leave me." She called out to him as he started walking to the door.

"I'll be back by 6pm. Just try and get some rest." And then he walked out the door.

/\/\/\

Izzie watched the door close behind Alex and tried to shake the sense of loss she was feeling from her mind. He would be back she told herself, he always came back. And even though she knew this she couldn't help feeling terrified every time he left her.

/\/\/\/\

Alex closed the door to Izzie's room and walked away. It was the first time in weeks that he'd left during the day, it was the first time in weeks that he'd actually left. It was only 9am he literally had the whole day to himself. Well not totally to himself, there were a lot of things he needed to do but in an essence he was free. Izzie wasn't expecting him back until 6pm, he'd told her he couldn't be there even if she wanted him back she had to understand he couldn't be there.

/\/\/\/\

The never ending list of things Alex needed to do became a lot shorter when it actually came to doing them. Getting his apartment ready had been the major task. He'd thought it would have taken a long time to clean everything but the apartment turned out to be a lot cleaner than he'd remembered. He'd thought the fridge would have taken a while but he literally threw everything in it out. Shopping for new food took the longest. He wasn't sure what foods Izzie would want to eat, her likes and dislikes seemed to change daily so he brought a bit of everything he knew how to cook. He brought so much food that the fridge and the pantry were bursting at the seams. There was enough food there to last them two or three weeks. Once the shopping was done there wasn't anything else to do. He needed to get some clothes for Izzie to wear home but that was it and it was only noon.

Alex had six hours of free time. Six hours where he could do whatever he wanted. He could have gone anywhere but he found himself heading back to the hospital. He entered through the front doors and was about to catch the elevator to the fourth floor to see Izzie when he changed his mind. He didn't need to see Izzie just yet. Instead he went to the pit and began looking for a small case to take on.

/\/\/\/\

Alex wasn't meant to be working, technically he was still on leave but the idea of doing something, anything work related excited him. He slowly walked past all the pit patients looking for someone with something interesting that wouldn't take too long to fix. He was about to settle on a young man with a deep laceration to his arm when Dr. Montgomery came by.

"Dr. Karev, Alex." She called out to him. "What are you doing?"

"I arr…" Alex stammered, he wasn't sure what to say. He hadn't been expecting his mentor or anyone significant for that matter to see him. "…was just looking for something to do."

"Something to do?" Dr. Montgomery lifted her glasses and stared down at him. "Shouldn't you be up stairs with…"

"No. Yes." Should was an interesting word, he should be with Izzie but he didn't have to be with Izzie, not today, not yet. "She's being discharged tomorrow. I'm supposed to be getting everything ready for her to come home but I've finished and I told her I wouldn't be back until six."

"I'm sure she wouldn't mind you coming back early." Dr. Montgomery looked down at her watch, it was just approaching one o'clock.

"I'm sure she wouldn't but…" It felt weird saying it out loud, actually admitting it to someone else. "…I kind of don't want to go back yet."

"Oh." Dr. Montgomery nodded. Alex could feel her staring down at him and he felt the need to explain himself.

"She's being discharged tomorrow." He began. "Now is the first and probably the last time in while that I've been alone, able to do something without worrying about her. I just wanted to know what it felt like to be a doctor again."

"Oh." Dr. Montgomery placed her glasses back on her face. Alex could feel her staring down at him, judging him. He told himself not to take her crap if she gave it to him; he wasn't doing anything wrong, not really. "How about you come with me."

"What? Why?" That wasn't exactly the response Alex was expecting.

"I have a case you can help me with. It's a lot more interesting than anything you're going to find down here."

/\/\/\/\

Izzie lay in her bed. Her head was throbbing and she was exhausted. They'd worked her harder today than any other day and Alex hadn't been there to help her. She kept trying to tell herself that that was okay. He had to leave today but it was 6:30pm now and he still wasn't back.

She'd already called the nurse once to try and find out where he was. The nurse said she'd page him but he wasn't answering his pages. She fought the urge to breakdown and cry; she didn't want to be that person anymore. She'd been talking with a psychologist that afternoon he'd made her aware of some of her emotional short comings and given her some techniques to try cope. They'd been working to a point, she hadn't broken down yet but she was so tried. She started to let her guard down, she could feel everything she's been trying to keep in slowly start coming out. She let the fear and anxiety overcome her then the smell of burning rubber filled the room. She pressed the call button to alert the nurses right before everything went black.

/\/\/\/\

Alex felt on top of the world. Well not quite on top of the world but he was feeling better than he had in a long time. He'd been helping Dr. Montgomery out on a TTS case. He'd been back inside the OR and the experience had given him such a rush.

"You did a great job in there today Karev." Dr. Montgomery said to him as they both cleaned up in the scrub room.

"Thanks."

"Have you given any more thought to when you might come back?"

He hadn't thought about it at all. Until today the idea of actually going back to work had seemed an impossibility. He'd been so focused on taking care of Izzie, work hadn't even crossed his mind, well not in any significant way. But now that he was here, now that he was back in the OR he realized how much he missed it, how much he wanted to go back.

"Maybe soon. I don't know. I'd have to work something out with Izzie first."

"Of course." Dr. Montgomery shut off the tap and grabbed a towel to dry her hands. "When you are ready, I'll be waiting for you." She told him before she walked out the door.

/\/\/\/\

Alex left the scrub room a few minutes later. He was still running on an adrenalin high, he was actually looking forward to seeing Izzie. He was going to tell her what he'd been doing all day. She probably wouldn't understand any of what he said but maybe she would, maybe he could make something click.

He reached the locker rooms and started to get changed. He slipped his watch on and saw the time 7pm, "Shit" he thought, he was late. He changed as quickly as he could. He picked up his pager, there were four pages waiting for him, the last one had come through 30minutes ago was a 911.

Alex's heart skipped a beat. Had something happened to Izzie while he was gone, had something happened while he was enjoying himself, while he was happy? He felt his insides turn as he began running to the forth floor.

/\/\/\/\

The corridor Izzie's room was on was full of movement. Alex saw two nurses walk into Izzie's room and Dr. Shepard walk out. Alex slowed his run to a brisk walk. He met Shepard half way down the corridor. Shepard's face was blank.

"We need to talk." He said and indicated for Alex to follow him into an empty waiting room.


	20. Chapter 20

"What happen?" Alex asked pacing around the waiting room. He couldn't sit down, he had to keep moving, something had happened, something bad, if it was something good they wouldn't be acting like this. "What happened?" he asked again.

"Alex you need to sit down."

"No."

"At least stand still then." Shepard reached out for Alex's shoulder; he grabbed hold of it and held it tightly until Alex stopped moving. Under his hand he could feel Alex shaking a bit, in the last minute he'd managed to work himself into nervous wreck.

"What happened? Is Izzie okay?"

"There's been a development in her condition. She's okay now but she can't go home tomorrow."

"What do you mean development?" There were a hundred things development could mean, Alex's mind was racing trying to work out what that might mean. He told himself not to panic, Shepard had said she was okay in the same sentence.

"About half an hour ago she had a grand mal seizure."

"What?" Seizures weren't good, seizures were bad but they could treat seizures. "How is she now?"

"Very tired, groggy, scared. We gave her something to stop the seizure and try and help her relax. She's coping but she's terrified, she keeps asking for you."

"Oh." Alex already felt guilty enough for being late, late because he was doing something he enjoyed. Now to find out what had happened and to find out she'd been asking for him. He felt like shit. "Can I go see her now?"

"Of course." The two men walked out the room together. "Alex," Shepard began a little bit down the corridor. "We haven't told her yet."

"Told her what?"

"That she can't go home."

"Oh." Alex reached the door to Izzie's room. "I'll tell her." He said and he opened the door and slipped inside.

/\/\/\/\

Izzie lay in her bed quietly sobbing to herself. She felt so scared and so tired. She didn't understand what was happening to her. The doctors had told her she'd had a seizure but she couldn't remember it. All she remembered was laying in her room and smelling something burning and then the room was full of people and she felt like she'd just run a marathon or something.

For the last half hour the doctors had been prodding and poking her, and asking her questions she didn't know how to answers. Now she was alone for the first time, she liked it a little bit, she was glad the doctors and the barrage of questions had stopped but…where was Alex? He was supposed to be there ages ago and he still hadn't come.

Behind her she heard the door open.

"Go away."

She said without even looking to see who it was. She didn't want anymore doctors or nurses talking to her. She just wanted to be alone or with Alex. The person didn't go away though; they walked right into the room, shut the door and walked over to her.

"Is that what you really want me to do?" The person asked. She recognized the voice immediately as Alex's.

/\/\/\/\

Alex walked around Izzie's bed and sat down beside it. Her face was soaked in tears compounding the guilt he already felt for not being there. He reached over with his hand and gently wiped the tears away from her eyes.

"Dr. Shepard told me what happened. How are you feeling?"

Izzie didn't answer the question at first, she was feeling so many things she didn't know how to put them into words. Eventually she just said. "My head hurts."

Alex picked up her chart and read it. "The nurses just gave you something for the pain. It should start working soon."

She smiled at him and then they sat in silence. Alex didn't know what to say and she was too tired to keep a conversation going. After a while she did speak again. She knew what his response would be, she'd heard the doctors talking in the corridor but she still needed to say it, make sure it was real.

"I want to go home." She told Alex and as she spoke she watched his face break.

"I'm so sorry Iz," he began, "you can't, not yet."

And even though she knew he'd say that. She knew they'd never let her go home after what had just happened, actually hearing it made it real. She started sobbing again. She wanted to go home so bad. Before she hadn't minded the hospital but now that she knew there was more out there she wanted it more than ever.

As she cried Alex lent forward and embraced her. He squeezed her as tight as he could and let her tears soak into his clothes. They stayed like that, holding each other until the doctors came back.

A young intern Alex didn't recognize entered the room. She made a sound as if to clear her throat to get their attention. Alex let go of Izzie and turned to face the doctor.

"We need to go up to CT." she said, not quite addressing either of them.

/\/\/\/\/\

"I'll be right outside if you need anything." Alex told Izzie as he helped her from a wheelchair, onto the CT table. Alex had never gone up to CT with Izzie, usually he waited in her room for her to come back but she was clinging to him now more than ever. The fear in her eyes when he'd step away from her was real and he was already feeling guilty enough.

"Now just lay still." He said and he kissed her hand. "This won't take long."

Izzie smiled at him and nodded. She'd had so many CTs over the last few weeks she knew the drill of them by heart. The experience was one of the few things she could remember.

Alex left her laying there and walked in the viewing room where Dr. Shepard and a technician were bringing the images of Izzie's brain onto the screen.

"What do you see?" Shepard asked Alex as if he was a doctor on the case.

Alex looked at the image; there were a lot of things he could see. "No wonder Izzie is having problems." He thought to himself. Even though everything was healing the signs of trauma were still across her brain. He could see where the bullet entered, and the path it took. He could see the bullet and the bullet fragments lodged in various places across her brain. And he could see the beginnings of scar tissue forming around the trauma sites.

"The scar tissue." Alex said pointing to it on the screen. "As the scar tissue forms it hardens, this can interfere with the electrical signals in the brain causing seizures."

"How would you treat it?"

"I'd run an EEG to locate the specific source of the seizures. Monitor for the frequency and intensity of the seizure, attempt to control the activity with medication. If medication proves to be ineffective surgically remove the scar tissue."

"Good." Shepard turned to the intern who'd been hiding in the corner. "Set all that up. Page me if there are any further developments over night otherwise I'll see you in the morning."

/\/\/\/\/\

"Take it off! Take it off!" Izzie began wailing as soon as the doctors and nurses left the room. She'd been fighting them every step while they'd been setting up the EEG. She reached up and tried to remove the tiny electrodes that covered her head. She didn't like them on there and she didn't understand what they were for.

Alex reached over and grabbed her hands. He pulled them away from her head and held them tightly in his. "They have to stay on." He tried to sound calm but he came off a little harsh. Izzie was starting to go backwards. All the improvements in her attitude, behavior, outlook that she'd made over the last few days were rapidly disappearing.

"I don't want them."

"I know, but you need them."

"Why?"

"They're monitoring you brain. If you have another seizure they'll be able to show the doctors where it started."

"I don't want it." She tried to pull her hands away, she tried to get them off her head but Alex held her tightly. "I don't want them." She said again and she started to cry. "I want to go home."

"I know, I know." Alex took his free hand and gently began rubbing circles across her back. "Just sleep now, it'll be over soon." He soothed, hoping it would stop her fighting it. Within a few minutes she'd managed to fall asleep.

/\/\/\/\/\

The next day Alex watched hopelessly as Izzie's condition regressed further. She'd made big gains in the days following the news she'd be going home soon but she'd regressed back even further than that. She was irritable, demanding, clingy, and uncooperative. Alex wasn't the only one to notice, her therapists and the nurses who worked with her noticed and even made comments to Alex about it. Alex was lost as to what to do. He tried to boost her mood by telling her she could go home soon but it didn't work, she didn't believe him when he told her because it hadn't been true last time.

By the time 4pm rolled around Izzie hadn't had another seizure, her EEG was completely normal. Alex was at his wits end, it frustrated him to see her like this. She'd been doing so good. It felt like everything they'd been doing for the last week was a waste of time. He wanted to help her but there was only one thing he could do that could help. When her occupational therapist arrived for her afternoon session Alex excused himself. Izzie didn't want him to leave, she cried when he left but he had to leave, if he was going to help her he had to leave.

/\/\/\/\

Alex searched the floors of the hospital looking for Dr. Shepard. Eventually he saw him coming out of an OR, Alex ran after him.

"Dr. Shepard." He called out. "I need to talk to you."

Shepard stopped walking just long enough for Alex to catch up. "What is it Karev?" he asked beginning to walk again.

"It's about Izzie. I want to talk to you about discharging her tonight."

"She can't be discharged tonight." Shepard said without missing a step. "We haven't identified the source of the seizure."

"I know. That's what I wanted to talk to you about." Shepard kept walking; he didn't react so Alex kept talking. "She hasn't had another seizure. Her EEG is completely normal. What if she doesn't have another seizure, what if the one she had was just that, one random unexplained seizure. If that's the case how long are you planning on making her stay here? Since yesterday her condition has regressed dramatically. All the gains she made in the last week are disappearing. She wants to go home, she needs to go home."

"She needs to go home?" Alex had finally caught Shepard's attention. "You say her condition has regressed. Shouldn't that mean a longer stay, not a shorter stay?"

"Yes normally but not in this case." Alex was trying to find the right words to describe what he believed. "Izzie's condition dramatically improved after she was told she could go home. Since she's been told she can't go home her condition has regressed. I believe that her improvement was directly related to going home. She doesn't believe us now when we tell her she can go home soon because it didn't happen last time. I believe the only way she will improve again is to go home."

Alex finished his spiel and waited for Shepard to say something. Shepard was running everything Alex had just said through his head. He'd only seen Izzie briefly today and he'd noticed the regression. He understood what Alex was getting at.

"Are you sure about this?" he asked Alex.

"I've never been more certain." Alex replied while at the same time hoping that he really was right.

And then against his better judgment Shepard agreed. "Okay. I'll get the paper work rolling." He said and began walking off.


	21. Chapter 21

Alex walked back to the room with a little extra bounce in his step. Izzie was coming home. He couldn't believe how easy it had been to convince Shepard. He'd had a whole argument planed out in his head to convince him and he'd only needed to use the start of it. It was a little weird. Did Shepard trust his judgment that much? Alex shook the thoughts of self doubt from his head, he was ready for this, he could do this. Izzie was coming home.

Alex couldn't wait to tell Izzie the good news. He was excited and he hoped she would be too. He still held hope that somewhere underneath the demanding, self-centered, irritable Izzie, was the old caring, generous, funny Izzie he loved. He was sure that going home was the key to finding her.

Alex walked into Izzie's room with a big smile on his face, the kind of goofy one that used to make her laugh. He walked up to her bed but didn't say anything, he just stared at her. She looked back at him, confused.

"What?" she asked. But Alex didn't say anything he just kept staring at her. "Alex?" She said trying to work out what was going on. And then he kissed her. It was the first time since the shooting that he'd really kissed her. He'd kissed her hands, he'd kissed her cheek, he'd kissed her goodbye but he hadn't really kissed her. He wasn't sure why he did it, it just seemed like the right thing to do. When he pulled away Izzie's mouth hung slightly open, she looked shocked, surprised, that was the last thing she was expecting Alex to do. She stared back at him confused, she didn't know what was going on. She watched his face for clues, he was happy, that was all she could pick. She felt his hands reach down for hers and grasp them tightly. He looked into her eyes and she thought for a moment he was going to kiss her again but he pulled back just a little and spoke instead.

"We're going home." He told her.

Izzie's mouth dropped a little further. The kiss had surprised her but this was a complete contradiction of everything she'd been told all day.

Alex watched Izzie's face for her reaction. He hoped she'd be happy but she was so unpredictable. He saw in her eyes, she was trying to make sense of everything, trying to work out a reaction. And then she started smiling. The smile started at her mouth and spread all the way to her eyes. She almost laughed and then she found her tongue. She looked Alex in the eyes and simply asked.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously." Alex replied and in that instance he saw the old Izzie return.

* * *

**a/n: Yes I know that part was really short but it was written and I really liked it just by its self. Please keep the reviews up I really appreciate them.**


	22. Chapter 22

Izzie sat up in the bed taking in everything that had just happened. Alex was serious, she really was going home. She felt a happiness that she hadn't felt before being to build inside of her. She'd been wanting this all day, she'd been longing for this all day but now that it was actually happening she didn't know how she should react. She was happy, and excited, but at the same time she was nervous and scared. All she knew, all she could remember was the hospital. She was about to enter into a whole new world. She wanted to see this world so bad but this was sudden, unexpected. Mentally she hadn't prepared herself.

Alex watched Izzie closely. She seemed happy, there was a hint of light in her eyes that he hadn't seen before but she wasn't saying anything. Behind the light she looked scared. "Izzie are you okay?" he asked her, hoping he'd made the right decision.

"Yeah." She said, trying to shake the fear from her mind. "It's just a little…I wasn't expecting this."

"Me either." Alex said squeezing her hand. "I didn't think Dr. Shepard would agree to it but he did." He lent forward and kissed her again. It was only a small kiss but it was a kiss none the less. "I have to go fill in some paper work and bring in some clothes for you to wear. I'll be back in a little bit." He let go of her hand, stepped back from the bed, and for the first time he left the room without her asking him to stay.

/\/\/\/\

Alex helped Izzie off the bed and into a wheelchair. It had taken ninety minutes to process the discharge and another thirty to prepare Izzie to leave. Inside Alex's bag were more forms, list, pills, and pamphlets than he could possibly need. He hadn't taken the time to read a lot of the forms he was signing so he'd simply taken copies of them. Dr. Shepard had written out for him everything he could possibly need to know. He had list of the medications Izzie was on, the dosages she needed to take and when she needed to take them. He also had suggested diet plans, recipes for meals he could make, lists of food Izzie needed to eat, should eat and couldn't eat. Contact phone numbers for every member of her rehabilitation team as well as half a dozen contact numbers for Dr. Shepard. He had pamphlets on support groups, social groups, and home help. He'd pushed those to the bottom of the bag he didn't intend to use any of their services.

Izzie griped hold of Alex's arm tightly as he lowered her into the wheelchair. She'd not wanted to use it; she'd thought if she was well enough to go home she was well enough to walk. She'd argued with Alex about it and he'd almost caved when a nurse intervened and said they should find something for her to wear home. It wasn't until they were going through the clothing Alex had brought in she realized how frail and weak she still was. It hurt to pull anything over her head and she'd lost so much weight all her clothes were too big. It was lucky Alex had brought in so many. In the end they settled on a pair of sweat pants with a draw string waist and a jacket that zipped up at the front.

She smiled and nodded at him when he asked her if she was ready to go. She was as ready as she was ever going to be. She'd managed to push the fear deep inside of her; on the outside she couldn't be happier.

/\/\/\/\

From the glass walk way Meredith, George and Christina, watched Alex leave the hospital with Izzie. He pushed her all the way to the door before he took her hand and helped her stand. She walked very slowly the last few steps to the taxi that was waiting for them outside. Alex looked back and waved at them but Izzie didn't even acknowledge their existence.

"Do you think she'll ever remember who we are?" George asked with a sigh.

"Maybe." Meredith said placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Probably not." Said Christina as her pager went off. She ran off leaving Meredith and George alone.

They stood in silence for a while staring at the space where Izzie had been minutes earlier.

"I miss her." George said lowering his head.

"I know." Meredith said putting her arm around his shoulder. "I miss her too."

/\/\/\/\

By the time they pulled up in front of Alex's apartment Izzie was going into sensory overload. Everywhere she turned she was seeing, hearing and smelling new things. Some of them seemed to trigger memories of some sought, like she knew it but she couldn't place it. She liked the feeling but it frustrated and exhausted her at the same time. That first night home she went straight to bed and slept for twelve hours.

Alex watched Izzie like a hawk. He'd been instructed to never leave her unsupervised but he took it a step further and never let her out of his sight. He was terrified that if he turned his back something would happen. Even during the night he found himself waking up every few hours to check if she was still breathing or make sure she wasn't running a fever. She was always breathing, and she was never running a fever but that didn't make him worry any less.

The first few days were hard. Alex forgot to tell Izzie she had to go back to the hospital every other day for four hours of rehabilitation sessions at an outpatient clinic. The news upset her a lot. She cried and begged Alex not to make her go; she was afraid they'd find something wrong and make her stay. She flat out refused to go unless Alex went with her. He had to hold her hand and promise her they'd go home after. It was a promise Alex knew he couldn't necessarily keep, if something was wrong she would have to stay. He kept telling himself it was an okay lie, there was nothing wrong and he kept telling Izzie to cooperate with everyone. She did cooperate; her fear of staying overrode any compulsion to be difficult.

After the first few days things got better. Being home seemed to help Izzie. She appeared happier, which made Alex happier. She smiled a lot more and even laughed but she still wasn't Izzie. She still wouldn't let Alex talk about the past, she still thought of herself more than others and she still had dramatic mood swings. One moment she'd be happy and the next she'd be crying or yelling. It worried Alex a lot but he kept telling himself she was making progress, he had to keep reminding himself that these things take time, baby steps were still steps.

/\/\/\/\

Izzie loved being home. She hated having to go back to the hospital every other day for treatment but she still loved home. On the days she didn't have treatment Alex took her places and did things with her. They went shopping a few times, she needed new clothes. She liked the shopping but it wore her out, after only an hour she'd be exhausted and need to go home and sleep. They did other things too, they went for walks, short walks. There was a tiny park at the end of Alex's street and they'd walk down there and have little picnics. Sometimes they'd go for drives. Alex would take her to this lookout overlooking the water and they'd watch the ferry boats come and go. It was a peaceful, beautiful, almost perfect but things never stay perfect forever.

/\/\/\/\

Two weeks went by without incident. They both settled into a routine and were just staring to relax a little. Alex could sleep through the night without waking up and to check if Izzie was breathing. Izzie was becoming stronger and more confident in her abilities. But she kept over estimating them. She'd push herself until she couldn't go any further and Alex literally had to catch her as she'd fall. It scared him a little seeing how far she was willing to push herself but it was nice to see her with a positive spark. Things were going good.

/\/\/\/\

Alex opened the fridge and pulled out the milk. Today was going to be a long day, he needed the caffeine to help him through it. He'd promised Izzie they'd go for a drive and then a hike. She'd seen a commercial on television about this lookout and she desperately wanted to go there. Alex knew she wasn't ready for it. He knew she'd be exhausted before they were even half way. He knew he'd probably have to carry her off the hill but that's what she wanted to do.

He tipped the milk and realized it was empty. Who puts empty milk cartons back in the fridge? He swore quietly under his breath, he really needed that coffee.

He looked over at Izzie and began assessing his options. She was laying on the sofa sipping the tea he'd made her earlier. She looked quite content and she still had her pajamas on. He wasn't supposed to leave her alone or unsupervised but it would take twenty minutes to get her changed and ready to go. He thought about forgetting about the coffee but he really wanted it and they did need more milk.

"Izzie," he said walking over to her. "We've got to go to the shop and get some more milk." She looked back at him blankly. "Come on." He said holding out his hand. "I'll help you get changed."

She didn't make a move to take his hand, she didn't move at all. "I don't want to go." She said taking anther sip of her tea. "You get the milk. I'll stay here."

She looked back at him, daring him to say something, daring him to order her to shops but Alex didn't say anything. He was thinking things through again. "Come on Iz." He finally said. "You know I can't do that."

"Why not?" Izzie knew exactly why. The doctors had told him she couldn't be left alone but it was only five minutes.

"You know why." Alex didn't want to say the words out loud. He didn't want to tell Izzie she had to go to the shop with him because she couldn't be left alone. He knew she knew it but he didn't want to say it.

"It's only five minutes." She didn't want to move, she was comfortable where she was and she didn't understand what the big deal was.

"I know but still." He could see her point, kind of, but he'd promised her doctors he'd watch her. "I can't…" he began before Izzie cut him off.

"Why not?" she was getting a little annoyed, frustrated and angry. "I'll be okay for five minutes. It's not like anything has happened before while you've been here."

"Please Iz." He understood what she was saying but… "I worry about you."

Worry, one emotion everyone would be a lot better without.

"You don't need to worry about me. I'll be fine. If you'd just gone instead of arguing with me you'd be back by now." Izzie picked up the TV remote and began channel surfing. She didn't actually want to watch anything but she needed to do something to show that the argument was over, she was finished.

"Izzie." Alex tried to reason with her again but she wasn't interested. He sat on the sofa with her for a while mulling over what to do. This was an argument he couldn't win, he couldn't physically drag her to the shop. If he didn't go he wouldn't get any coffee, if he went he'd have to leave her behind. He began trying to reason with himself. He really wanted that coffee and it was only five minutes. After careful consideration he stood up and walked out the apartment.

/\/\/\/\

Izzie watch Alex walk out the apartment. She couldn't believe he'd actually left. She was alone, completely alone. She didn't think it would bother her but she instantly felt scared. She looked at the clock. He'd be back in five minutes she told herself. She'd be okay, she had to be okay.

/\/\/\/\

Alex walked as fast as he could to the corner store. As he walked he kept telling himself he was doing the right thing, that he wasn't doing anything wrong. He grabbed the first carton of milk he saw and waited in line for the cashier. The woman in front of him only had a few items. It wouldn't take long he told himself then she pulled out a bag full of nickels and dimes.

It took the lady five minutes to count out the money and another five for the cashier to re count it. "Come on." Alex muttered under his breath. This was taking too long. He kept checking his watch every ten seconds. He needed to get back. He was almost ready to place five on the table to be done with it when the woman picked up her things and left. He handed the cashier more than enough money to cover the bill and began running back to the apartment.

/\/\/\/\

Izzie looked at the clock. It had been ten minutes and Alex still wasn't back. She felt her heart begin to race a little. She told herself not to panic, she told herself he'd be back, it was just taking a little longer than expected. She didn't want to be scared, she'd said she'd be okay but she couldn't help it. There were thing about her body she couldn't control yet. She tried to focus on her breathing but she'd past the point of no return.

"Alex!" She began crying out. "Alex!"

/\/\/\/\

Alex heard Izzie call out his name as he came up the stairs. When he reached the door though everything was silent. "Izzie, I'm right here." He called out as he fumbled his keys. But she didn't call back. Inside he heard something smash, followed by a dull thump.

* * *

**a/n: Please keep the reviews up I really appreciate them.**


	23. Chapter 23

Alex fumbled his keys. He couldn't get them into the lock. His hands were shaking. "Izzie I'm right here." He called again but she didn't respond. He had heard her call out hadn't he? He took a deep breath and steadied himself. Finally he unlocked the door and busted into the apartment.

Izzie lay on the floor beside the couch, the mug she'd been drinking from lay broken beside her. She was convulsing violently, her head was slamming against the floorboards. Alex dropped the milk; he felt his insides twist within him. He ran over to her and grabbed her head. He cradled it in his hands and waited for the convulsions to stop. There was nothing more he could do, he wasn't at the hospital, he couldn't shoot her up with diazepam, all he could do was wait. He watched the clock, the seconds, the minutes ticked by painstakingly slow. He felt completely powerless. He prayed she hadn't hurt herself, he prayed she'd be okay; he prayed the seizure would actually stop.

After three minutes her body went limp. She didn't move and Alex's heart skipped another beat, the seizure had stopped but it took another ten seconds for her to start breathing again.

Izzie opened her eyes and blinked. Her head was pounding, she couldn't see straight. She was on the floor, soaking wet, she couldn't remember how she got there. "What happened?" She asked looking up at Alex.

"You had seizure." He told her, gently laying her head on the ground. "I'm going to get some towels; I'll be back in a second."

Alex pulled half a dozen towels from the closet. He could feel his heart rate slowly returning to normal. The immediate crisis had passed, now all he had to clean up the mess, fix things.

He placed the towels on the coffee table beside Izzie. He lent over her and undid the draw string on her pants. The last time he'd tried to do this she'd yelled at him. She'd told him she could undress herself but now she just lay there. She let him remove her clothes and wrap her in towels. He carried her over to the bedroom and lay her down on the bed. Then he went back to the lounge, he striped the sofa of its covers and threw everything into the wash.

Izzie watched Alex clean and then walk over to the bed. He sat down beside her and ran a hand through her hair.

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

She didn't know how she should answer. She felt horrible, her head throbbed, all she wanted to do was fall asleep but she didn't want to tell Alex that. She didn't want Alex to know how she was feeling because she knew where this conversation was heading.

"Fine." She said smiling as wide as she could.

Alex nodded but he could tell she was lying, she wasn't anywhere near fine. "That's good, really good." He gave her hand a squeeze. "I'll let the washing finish and then we'll go down to the hospital."

Alex held his breath and waited for Izzie's reaction. He knew she wouldn't like, he knew she'd protest and argue. She didn't like the hospital but this was one argument he wasn't going to let her win, not this time.

"I don't want to." She said just like Alex knew she would. "I don't need to go to the hospital. I'm fine." She tried to sit up but Alex held her down.

"Iz, you're not fine." He told her. "You just had a seizure. You fell off the sofa, you hit your head. You need to go to the hospital so the doctors can check you out."

"You're a doctor. Why can't you check me out." She hit a nerve with that comment, tapped right into Alex's insecurities, his feelings of inadequacy and helplessness. He was a doctor, but he couldn't help her.

"I would if I could." He told her. "But I don't have the equipment."

/\/\/\/\

Izzie continued to be difficult. She didn't want to go and she made sure Alex knew it. After she stopped being hostile, she cried. She sobbed and begged Alex not to take her back but he didn't have a choice. He'd already let her have her way once this morning and look where that had got them, he wasn't about to let that happen again. She refused to put the clothes he'd pulled out for her on. He tried to put the clothes on for her but she kicked him away. In the end he pulled another blanket out the closet, he wrapped her up in it and threw her clothes into a bag.

She wouldn't walk down the stairs, she couldn't walk down the stairs but she wasn't about to admit that, so Alex carried her. She tried to resist, she twisted in his arms until he threaten to call an ambulance to come get her. He told her that if an ambulance had to come, they'd make her stay longer and throw her up on the psych ward. The threat finally stopped her fighting. This was one argument she wasn't going to win. She let Alex carry her to the car; she stopped fighting the urge to sleep.

She was so incredibly tired. She was asleep before they even reached the hospital and she woke only briefly when Alex lifted her from the car onto a gurney. He'd phoned ahead so Shepard was waiting for them at the door. They took her straight up for a CT and then to the same hospital room she'd been in before.

The CT results were unremarkable. She'd gotten lucky, there were signs of a mild concussion but nothing that would require immediate intervention. They set up another EEG and drew some blood. Izzie barely said a word the whole time. Once she stopped fighting all the life and spark she'd had disappeared.

/\/\/\/\

While Izzie slept Shepard and Alex sat in the corridor and talked. They talked mainly about Izzie. Shepard asked a lot of questions about the seizures. He needed to find out what was causing them, what triggered them off so he would know how to treat it. At the moment all she was on was a standard anticonvulsant that didn't seem to have worked. Alex wrote down everything he knew, which wasn't a lot, he hadn't been there when it started. He asked how well Izzie was progressing. Shepard said she was doing well but when Alex asked about her long term prognosis he dodged the question and changed the subject.

He asked how well Alex was coping and if he'd given any consideration to hiring help. Alex hadn't thought about getting help. Every time the idea would even begin to cross his mind he'd push it out straight away. There was something about the idea that bothered him.

"There's no shame in getting help." Shepard told him. "You're not going to be able to keep doing this by yourself forever." Then Izzie started calling for him, the conversation was over.

/\/\/\/\

Two days went by and nothing happened. Izzie spent the whole first day crying and the second day complaining but she didn't have another seizure. Nothing in the tests showed anything to indicate what might be triggering them. Even when they took her off the anticonvulsants she didn't convulse. Shepard didn't know what to do. He didn't want to send her home without something concrete, but he couldn't keep her in the hospital indefinitely.

He began going through his notes again. He looked at her test results again. He even took them home with him and showed them to Meredith. He needed to find an answer and he needed to find it soon. He was going through the information Alex had given him and then he realized the common link between the two seizures. It had been staring him in the face the whole time.

* * *

**a/n: Thanks for the reviews please keep it up I really appreciate them.**


	24. Chapter 24

"Alex." Shepard said opening the door to Izzie room early on the third day. "Can I talk to you outside for a minute?"

"Sure." Alex said putting the newspaper he'd been reading down and standing up. "I'll be back soon." He told Izzie and he walked out the door before she had time to react.

In the corridor Shepard told Alex. "I think I've found what triggers the seizures. I think you, or your absence might have something to do with it. In both instances you weren't there when the seizure started. She hasn't had another seizure since she's been in the hospital but you haven't left her side either."

"You think my no being there triggers the seizures?" The thought scared Alex, if that was the case this really was his entire fault.

"Yes. No. Not exactly." Shepard wasn't exactly sure what he wanted to say. "I want to try something. I want you to go back in there and tell Izzie that you have to do something and you won't be back until 6pm. Then I want you to leave and not come back."

"What? You want me to leave her alone all day?" Izzie had serious separation issues; she didn't like Alex leaving the room for a few minutes let alone the whole day.

"Yes. If what I'm thinking is right you might be able to take her home soon."

"Okay." If doing this meant he'd be able to take her home it would be worth it. He took a deep breath and walked back into Izzie's room. He wasn't sure what he was going to say to her. What lie could he possibly come up with that would excuse him from her side all day.

"Iz," He said walking up to her bed. She was sitting up flicking through channels on the TV. "Something has come up. I have to go." She stopped flicking through the channels and looked at him.

"What's happened?" she asked.

"Nothing's happened." He couldn't lie to her.

"Why do you have to go then?" She didn't understand. She was stuck in this hospital bed, she couldn't go anywhere. If nothing had happened why did he have to leave?

"I just have to." He bent down and kissed her cheek. "I'll be back by six I promise." And then he walked out the room before she had time to stop him, had time to make him feel guilty for leaving her. He was doing this for her he told himself as he walked down the corridor.

/\/\/\/\

Alex walked away from Izzie's room. It felt a little weird leaving her without a reason. Well he had a reason, Shepard had told him to but it didn't seem right. He had a whole day to himself, a whole day without Izzie and absolutely nothing he had to do.

He wondered the corridors of the hospital wondering what he should do. He didn't want to leave the hospital, he wanted to be close by incase something happened. He found himself walking towards to gallery. They were between surgeries so it was completely empty.

He sat down in the dark and stared down at the empty operating room. He missed it. He missed the adrenalin rush, he missed thinking fast, he missed the unexpected, he missed helping people, he missed saving lives. He loved Izzie but being with her didn't complete him, without her he felt like a big part of him missing, but just her didn't make him feel whole.

The door to the gallery crept open and someone turned on the light. Alex blinked as his eyes adjusted. Addison stood in the doorway holding a large pile of files.

"Karev what are you doing here?" she asked surprised that anyone was in the room.

"Dr. Montgomery." Alex stammered. "I was just…I wasn't doing anything."

"Oh." She sat down next to him and placed the files on the seat between them. "Why aren't you with…"

"Dr. Shepard is doing a test. He told me to leave."

"Oh." A silence fell between them, they both sat staring down at the empty OR and Alex started talking again.

"Izzie's had some seizures." He wasn't really sure why he was telling Addison this. It wasn't really any of her business but for some reason he felt like confiding in her "He thinks my absence might have something to do with it."

"Really?" Addison raised her glasses. "Do you think that's what it is?"

"I don't know." That was the truth, Alex really had no idea. "I don't know what to think anymore. Everything has just been so…I just don't know."

"I understand." She nodded without really looking at him. "How's Izzie been doing, other than the seizures?"

How's Izzie been doing? He didn't know where to start.

"She's getting better. I think." He began. "Sometimes she has good days where she's almost like her old self but then there are bad days where it's like dealing with a three year old." His voice began to trail off. "Most of the time she's somewhere in the middle."

"That's good." Silence fell between them again. Alex thought about leaving, he needed to keep moving all this thinking wasn't good, but he had no where to go, so he stayed. "Alex," Addison began after a while. "How are you doing?"

"I'm good." He said it without so much as a second thought. It was the type of answer you give when you want everyone to think you're okay but really you're not. The truth was Alex was tired and depressed but he was having difficulty admitting that to himself let alone anyone else. After a moment he continued. "Izzie means everything to me but some days I just…I just don't know what to do with her. She exhausts me and I just want to yell at her but I can't because I know it's not her fault, she can't help it." Alex stopped to take a breath. Silence hung for a second but Addison didn't try to say anything. "I miss surgery." Alex continued. "I miss the challenge; the diversity of it, everything with Izzie is so monotonous. I love her but…" He let his voice trail off. He'd suddenly realized how personal this conversation was getting. He hadn't told anyone this, he'd barely admitted it to himself, he shouldn't be telling Addison. "I should get going." He said standing up.

He was almost at the door before Addison said anything. "Alex," she called to him. "What are you doing today? I have a woman delivering triplets. Do you want to help?"

/\/\/\/\

Alex stood in the NICU staring down at the tiniest of the triplets, Chloe. She was only a few hours old and already she was fighting for her life. It seemed so unfair but Alex had learnt a long time ago that life wasn't meant to be fair. Some people have it easy, while for others everything is an uphill battle. He heard the door open and Addison walk up behind him.

"How is she doing?" she asked reaching into the crib.

"Her vitals are stable." He replied without taking his eyes off the baby.

She wrapped her fingers around Addison's finger. "She's got a strong grip." Addison whispered.

"Yeah." Alex had been holding her hand earlier. "That she does."

They both stood staring down at her, she was so small, so innocent, she didn't deserve what was happening to her, but then when bad things happen rarely do people deserve them.

"Do you think she'll be okay?" Alex asked quietly.

"We'll know more after the surgery tomorrow." This was Addison's way of answering the question without actually answering the question.

Alex looked over and checked his watch. It was getting late.

"You can go and see her if you want." Addison offered referring to Izzie. "I've got it from here."

"Thanks." He began to leave. He really did want to see Izzie; he wanted to know if Shepard's test had proven anything.

"I really appreciated your help today." Addison began before he could walk out the door. "If you're around tomorrow I could use your help on Chloe's surgery."

Alex nodded but he didn't say anything. He didn't know how he should respond to that. He needed to see Izzie, he couldn't think about tomorrow just yet.

* * *

**a/n: Thanks for the reviews please keep it up I really appreciate them.**


	25. Chapter 25

Alex walked down the corridor toward Izzie's room. Everything was quite clam, just like it should be. He was expecting something to have happened, but nothing had happened. Izzie was sitting up in her bed, she had a notebook, a pen and some coloured pencils sitting on the table over the bed. She was practicing writing. She stopped when Alex came in and smiled at him. She wasn't mad at him yet, she didn't know what he'd been doing, she was just glad to see him again.

He gave her a kiss and sat down on the bed beside her. He asked her what she'd been doing; he didn't want to talk about what he'd been doing, not yet. A part of him was sure that Izzie would not be happy if she knew what he'd been doing.

Izzie showed him the pictures she'd drawn and the things she had written. Her occupational therapist has suggested the exercise to help with her fine motor skills. The pictures and the writing were crude. It reminded Alex of something a five year old would do, the lines were shaky and her letters large and ill formed. Alex still said it was great, and it was in a way.

He let Izzie do all the talking. He asked her as many questions as he could think of. He didn't want to talk about himself, what he'd been doing all day. He didn't think Izzie would understand, not at the moment. She was bored, she wanted to go home, she didn't like the hospital. Alex understood, he hated it too, not the hospital as such, but he hated Izzie being there.

She didn't need to be in the hospital, she was well enough to go home, but Alex understood why she was there. These seizures were potentially a very dangerous thing, she was very lucky not to have hurt herself with the last one. They needed to find the trigger and as much as Alex hated the thought of it having to do with him a part of him hoped Shepard was right because then they'd have some answers.

"Has Dr. Shepard visited today?" Alex asked pulling out a backgammon board. It was one of the few games Izzie had managed to grasp.

"Not since this morning." She replied, trying to remember where the pieces went. "Why?"

"I just thought he might have been in to see you." Alex placed his last piece on the board and began moving Izzie pieces to the correct spots.

"Nope. The only people who came in today were the therapists." Alex handed Izzie the dice and waited for her to roll. The conversation died down, she couldn't concentrate and talk at the same time. They played a few moves before the door opened and Dr. Shepard walked in.

He was surprised to see Alex in the room, Alex wasn't meant to be there. "Alex when did you get here?" he asked, making a note on her chart.

Alex looked down at his watch. "About thirty minutes ago."

"Okay." Shepard made another note and walked over to Izzie. He made her sit up and quickly examined her. All her vitals were strong and stable. He told her she was doing a good job and then asked Alex to join him in the corridor.

Izzie let him leave. He'd promised her that everything he was doing was for her so she could go home sooner.

"What did you find?" Alex asked Shepard in the corridor.

"Nothing, everything was normal." Shepard replied making more notes on the chart.

Alex's heart sunk a bit. Normal was good but it was bad because they still didn't have any answers. There was something wrong with Izzie but they couldn't work out how it was manifesting itself. It was possible that they were random and unexplained but if that was the case preventing future attacks would be difficult.

"Does that mean she can go home?" Alex thought the answer would be no but he had to ask the question anyways.

"No." Shepard replied. "I want to run the same experiment tomorrow but this time I don't want you to come back until I page you. I was looking at the data again. You weren't just absent when the seizures started you were late."

/\/\/\/\

Just before 8am Alex excused himself from Izzie's room. He didn't tell her where he was going or why he was going he just said he had to go. She was upset, she complained that the hospital was boring and when he wasn't their there was nothing for her to do. That was probably true but there wasn't anything he could do about it.

"I have to leave." He kept telling her. "If you want to go home, I have to leave." She cried she couldn't understand his logic; the previous day had been so boring she didn't want to do that again. "I'll be back by two. I promise." He told her and he walked out the door.

He'd just lied to her. He wasn't going to be back by two. He told himself it was an okay lie. He was doing this for her.

/\/\/\/\

He walked straight to the NICU. Today he knew what he was going to do. Chloe's surgery was scheduled for 8:30am and he wanted in. All he had to do was find Dr. Montgomery and tell her.

He found her walking out of the NICU. "Karev." She said as he approached her. "I didn't think I'd see you today."

"Me either. I want in on Chloe's surgery."

She handed a chart to someone at the nurses' station. "Okay. I'll see you in OR two in fifteen minutes." She replied before walking away. Alex let a little smile creep across his face. He was in. Two days in a row he was back in the game.

/\/\/\/\

The surgery just like the previous days was everything he remembered and more. He felt actual joy in saving the babies life. He felt like he was actually achieving something thing.

"That was amazing." He told Dr. Montgomery, as they cleaned up in the scrub room after the surgery.

"I know." She smiled at him. "No matter how many times you do it, it never stops feeling great."

"Yeah." Alex let a smile creep across his face; he was on a surgical high. He wanted more.

"Have you given anymore thought to coming back?" She asked, she could see a spark in his face.

"I don't know." The spark disappeared. He began thinking about Izzie again; he didn't know what he'd do with her. "I don't know if I can."

She reached over and pulled her lab coat from the hook. "You can come back if you want." She began reaching into the pocket. "There are people and facilities available that can help you." She pulled two pamphlets out and handed them to Alex. "The first one I highly recommend." Alex looked down at what she'd handed him. They were pamphlets for an at home nursing company and a type of nursing home facility. "You're a gifted surgeon Karev." She said walking toward the door. "You shouldn't let your skills go to waste."

/\/\/\/\

It was 1:30pm Alex sat alone in the park next to the hospital. In his hand he held the pamphlets Dr. Montgomery had given him. He was trying to convince himself that it was okay to phone them, that he wasn't selling Izzie out by talking to them. He still loved her and he still cared about her, asking for help wouldn't change that.

He was afraid though. He was afraid she wouldn't understand. He was everything to her but she couldn't be everything for him. He'd thought she would be enough for him but he could see now that wasn't the case. He needed more, he needed to be a doctor and he couldn't do that without help.

"Hello, HNS how can I help you?" a woman chirped on the end of the phone.

"Hi." Alex gulped; he was only making an enquiry he told himself. "I want to hire an at home nurse."

/\/\/\/\

Alex was on the phone with the people from HNS for almost an hour. He asked every question he could think of and they told him information he didn't even think of asking. By the time he hung up they'd organized for the resumes of three nurses to be e-mailed to him and interviews were going to be set up in two days.

He'd made more than just an enquiry, he'd practically hired someone. Again he told himself he was doing the right thing, everyone had been telling him needed help, everyone had told him it was okay to get help. He just hoped Izzie would see it that way.

He was still sitting there thinking about what he'd just done when his pager went off. It was time to go back.

**/\/\/\/\**

Alex walked toward Izzie's room. He was trying to compose himself, prepare himself for whatever might have happened. A page meant he could come back which probably meant something had happened, that could be a good or a bad thing, it could be both.

Shepard stood at the end of the corridor waiting for Alex. He led him to waiting room and sat him down.

"What's happened?" Alex asked knowing that something had happened.

"She had another seizure." Shepard paused, he let that statement hang in the air. "She's okay, she's resting."

"Did you get the information you needed?" Alex knew the seizure wasn't necessarily a bad thing. They'd been hoping she'd have another one so they could map it and find the triggers. That was the whole point of his absence. If they'd got the information they needed, the fear and discomfort Izzie was almost certainly feeling would be worth it.

"Yes." Shepard opened up Izzie's file and showed it to him. The results pointed a very clear picture. Right before the attack she exhibited signs of an anxiety attack. All her reading were normal until two, then they started changing rapidly. "I talked to her after. She doesn't remember much about before the seizure but she kept asking for you."

It didn't surprise him that she was asking for him, she always asks from him. "Can I go see her then?"

"Of course." They stood up and walk toward the room. On the way Alex remembered the one question Izzie was almost certainly going to ask him.

"Does this mean she can come home?"

"I'll need to check a few things but yes, she can probably go home tomorrow."

/\/\/\/\

That evening Alex gave Izzie the good news. She was happy to be leaving the hospital. He didn't tell her about the phone calls he'd been making that afternoon. He didn't want to risk upsetting her, and he didn't want her to guilt him into not following through on what he wanted.

* * *

**a/n: Thanks for the reviews please keep it up I really appreciate them.**


	26. Chapter 26

Alex poured two glasses of orange juice and placed them on the tray beside the very large plate of eggs, bacon, sausage, and mushroom he'd just made. It was Izzie's first morning home and Alex wanted to do something nice for her. He wanted to surprise her, butter her up and make her happy before he told her about the phone calls he'd been making.

He carried the tray into the bedroom. Izzie was sitting up in the bed flipping through a magazine, she wasn't reading it, she wasn't even looking at the pictures she was just flipping the pages.

"Good morning." He said as he placed the tray across her lap and kissed her cheek. "I hope you're hungry."

"Starving." She smiled at him.

He picked up a piece of bacon and placed it in her mouth. "Good."

They sat on the bed together and slowly ate the food. Alex kept his mouth and Izzie's full; he wanted to avoid the small talk. He was looking for the right moment to bring Sarah, the nurse he'd hired, into the conversation. He didn't want to spring the news on Izzie but, by the time they'd finished eating he still hadn't mentioned her.

"Iz," He began placing the last piece of bacon in her mouth. "There's someone coming over this afternoon to meet you."

She swallowed and looked over at him confused. "Who?" she asked.

"Her name is Sarah, she's a nurse."

Izzie turned away. The first signs of betrayal began creeping across her face. "I don't want to meet any nurses."

Alex adjusted his position on the bed. He tried to make her look at him. "I think you'll like her. She's really nice." He'd spoken to Sarah on the phone the night before after Izzie had gone to sleep. He had a really good feeling about her.

"I don't care. I don't need any more nurses." She turned around and kissed him. He wasn't expecting that, for a second he almost didn't tell her but he had to tell her.

"Actually Iz, you do." She pulled away from him.

"What?" Alex reached down and grabbed her hand. He took a deep breath and mentally braced himself for her next reaction.

"I'm going back to work. Someone needs to be home with you."

She looked back at him, if he'd thought she looked confused or betrayed before it was nothing to how she looked now. She didn't understand what he was saying. Was he leaving her, was he going off without her, was he leaving her behind? She couldn't make sense of it so she didn't say anything.

"Iz, say something." Alex said after sitting in silence for five minutes.

She turned to face him. All the thoughts and feelings that had been running through her mind combined to form one simple word. "Why?" A tear trickled down her face. "Don't you love me anymore?" That was the only thing she could think of. Why else would he be doing this to her. Why else would he be leaving her in the care of a stranger?

Alex looked back at Izzie, this decision hurt him as much as it hurt her. When she hurt, he hurt, but he knew he had to do this, if they were going to survive, he needed to do this. He moved closer to her and embraced her as tightly as he could. "I love you." He whispered into her ear. "I love you, that's why I have to do this."

He didn't know how to make her understand. He didn't know how to tell her that being with her twenty four seven was slowly driving him insane. He didn't know how to explain how he felt when he was with her, a strange combination of love and loathing. He loved her, he wanted to protect her, he didn't want to hurt her but…being in that OR was the happiest he'd felt in a long time.

"Trust me." He gently kissed the side of her cheek. "This is the right thing to do."

Izzie didn't say anything; she was still trying to process what was happening. But she couldn't make sense of it. All she could hear was Alex telling her he loved her but he didn't want to be with her. She twisted out of his embrace; she didn't want him touching her anymore. If he didn't want to be with her she didn't want to be with him.

"Go away." She said pushing him away.

"Iz." He tried to reach out for her but she kept pushing him. "I'm not trying to hurt you here. I just have to do this."

She didn't say anything. Every time he tried to touch her she pushed him away. After sitting on the edge of the bed for five minutes in silence he walked away.

/\/\/\/\

Izzie stayed in the bedroom all morning. After Alex left he didn't come back. He cleaned the house and made phone calls to the hospital. If Izzie wanted to be stubborn he'd let her be stubborn. He needed to do this and he honestly believed that it was the best thing to do for both of them.

/\/\/\/\

Sarah arrived just after 1pm. Alex made them both coffee and they sat at the table and talked things over. Sarah was nicer in person than she was on the phone. She was friendly and up beat. She was tall and had long blond hair. She reminded Alex a lot of Izzie before. She'd only been working as a nurse for three years but she had a wealth of experience. Her older brother was injured in a car accident when she was fifteen and she'd helped care for him until he'd died four years ago.

They talked mainly logistics and conditions. When she'd be required and when she'd be able to work. Alex wanted her six days a week but she could only work five. In the end they agreed that she'd work Monday to Friday, on Saturday the agency would send someone else. She'd arrive at 5:50am and stay until Alex came home, hopefully not later than 6:30pm.

/\/\/\/\

Izzie sat in room and listened to Alex and this nurse Sarah talk. She could hear them talking about her, and she could hear them laughing. She wondered what Alex was saying about her, she wondered if they were laughing at her or if the laughing had nothing to do with her. She was curious and after an hour of just listening she got up and walked over to the door.

She stood cautiously in the doorway. She wasn't sure what she should do so she waited for them to see her. Sarah saw her first.

"You must be Izzie." She said walking over to her and holding out her hand in greeting. "I'm Sarah."

Izzie smiled politely and shook Sarah's hand. Then she grabbed it even harder as she began to lose her balance.

"I've got you." Sarah said helping Izzie steady herself. "Still a bit wobbly there on your feet?"

"Yeah." Izzie said blushing. She was embarrassed.

/\/\/\/\

Alex sat back and watched the two women interact with each other. He was surprised at how well they were getting along. Izzie had actually smiled and shook her hand. It was the first time she'd met anyone new and not screamed at them to go away. They talked a little bit in the door way and then disappeared into the bedroom.

/\/\/\/\

Izzie hadn't planed on liking Sarah, she wanted to dislike her on principle but she couldn't help liking her. There was something about her which was different. She didn't make her feel like she was sick, she didn't make her feel like she needed to be looked after; she made her feel…like she was normal, like she was an actual person, an equal.

They chatted for almost two hours. Sarah did most of the talking. She told Izzie all about herself and everything she'd done in her life. She asked Izzie questions too, not about her life, Alex had made sure to mention that Izzie's memory of before the shooting was non existent, but about the future. Sarah asked her what she wanted to do tomorrow, the next day, a year from now. She'd never thought about these things before, she'd always been so in the present, the future hadn't even crossed her mind. By the time Sarah left they'd made plans for all of next week, not big plans, most of it was going shopping or visiting people, there were a lot of people Sarah wanted Izzie to meet.

/\/\/\/\

When Sarah left that afternoon she told Alex everything would be okay and Alex believed her. As the first days went by it soon became evident things weren't okay they were great.

Being back at work made Alex happy. It was hard work but he'd been missing it so much that he didn't mind. He loved being in the think of it all. And his time away from Izzie strengthened their relationship; he missed her during the day and couldn't wait to see her at night.

Izzie got better too. Everyday she seemed to be more and more like her old self. Sarah taught her coping techniques and introduced her to people who'd been through similar situations. Change didn't freak her out so much anymore and she was happier. She still didn't like Saturdays when Sarah wasn't there but she didn't lose control.

/\/\/\/\

Almost three weeks went by without incident. It was Saturday morning. Alex rolled over in the bed to say goodbye to Izzie but she wasn't there. Confused he climbed out of the bed and walked into the kitchen.

The sight he saw when he opened the door made his mouth drop. Izzie was standing in the kitchen, apron on, baking. Two trays of muffins already sat on the bench and she was just about to put in third.

"Morning." She smiled at him.

"Morning." Alex rubbed his eyes to make sure he really was seeing what he thought he was seeing.

Izzie hadn't baked since the shooting. She'd made a point of not baking. Whenever he'd suggested she try it, tell her she used to like baking she'd yelled at him. She'd tell him she'd changed, that she wasn't that person anymore. He'd stopped suggesting it really quickly. But here she was baking on her own accord.

"Izzie what are you doing?"

"Baking." She said with a smile. "What does it look like?"

"But why?"

"I don't know." She picked up a muffin and bit into it. "It just felt like the right thing to do."

/\/\/\/\

Alex took a bag of muffins to work with him.

"Catch." He yelled out as he threw them to Meredith, George and Christina.

They caught them and looked at them puzzled.

"Muffins?"

"Try them." He'd eaten one on the way in and there was no mistaking who'd made them. No body could bake like Izzie and these muffins were no exception.

Alex watched their faces waiting for their reaction. Cristina didn't seem to notice but Meredith and George did.

"Oh my god these taste like…" Meredith began with her mouth full.

"Izzie's muffins." George finished. "Did Izzie bake these?"

"Yep." Alex said with a smile. "I woke up this morning and she was in the kitchen baking."

/\/\/\/\

Word quickly spread across the hospital that Izzie Stevens was back in the kitchen. It wasn't quite the same as the OR but it was something. All the muffins Alex had brought in were gone within a couple of hours but Alex didn't notice. He was in the OR all day. The surgery he performed lasted ten hours. He finished up at 5pm and decided to give himself an early minute or hour.

He drove home smiling. He was looking forward to seeing Izzie today more than ever. He was anxious to see how much she'd ended up baking.

He parked his car and headed up the stairs. He didn't notice the extra car parked across the street. He walked through the door smiling but for the second time that day his jaw dropped. Izzie sat on the sofa, spread all around her and across the coffee table lay the photo albums she'd made him put away weeks earlier. In her hand she held a single photograph. She looked up when he closed the door. Tears streaked her face.

"Iz, what's going on?"

She reached up and wiped some of the tears away from her eyes. "You lied to me." She said.

"What?" He didn't know what she was talking about. He reached down and tried to place a hand on her shoulder but she pushed him away. "Iz?"

She took a deep breath and whispered softly. "I remember."

* * *

**a/n: so umm yeah, Izzie is finally getting her memory back. Please review, I really appreciate it and it's a great motivator to write the next part. **


	27. Chapter 27

**a/n: Thanks so much everyone for the reviews on the last chapter. I'm just stepping back a little with this chapter. I wanted to get a little inside Izzie's head before she talks with Alex. **

* * *

Izzie lay in the bed. It was only 4am but she was wide awake. She couldn't sleep, something felt different; not different in a bad way, just different. She felt an urge to go bake something and she didn't know why. She tried to ignore it, she wanted to go back to sleep but she'd been laying there for half an hour.

Slowly she climbed out of the bed and walked to the kitchen. She turned on the light and opened the pantry. She began pulling out flour, sugar, coconut extract, coco; from the fridge she pulled out eggs and milk. She wasn't following a recipe but somehow she knew exactly how much of everything she needed to add.

After the first batch was mixed and in the oven she began mixing a second, and then a third.

She was about to put the third batch into the oven when Alex walked in.

"Morning." She smiled at him.

"Morning." She watched him rub his eyes, blink a few times. "Izzie what are you doing?"

Describing his look as surprised would have been an understatement. His mouth hung slightly open, his eyes were open wide. It amused her a little.

"Baking." She said, smiling at him. "What does it look like?"

"But why?" He didn't understand why she was doing it and she didn't really understand either.

"I don't know." She picked up one of the muffins from the tray and took a bite out of it. "It just felt like the right thing to do."

/\/\/\/\

While they waited for the nurse to arrive Izzie packed the first two batches on muffins into a bag for Alex to take to work. They didn't talk while she did this. She needed to concentrate way too much and Alex was mesmerized just a little. He hadn't seen Izzie like this for a long time.

When the nurse finally arrived he kissed her goodbye and left.

When Alex left Izzie stared around the kitchen. There was flour, and sugar and muffin mix everywhere. To describe the scene as a mess would probably be an understatement but for some reason it made her smile. She pulled the mixing bowl over and began measuring ingredients again.

She ignored the nurse who was standing on the other side of the counter staring at her. It wasn't that she didn't like her, she didn't even know her but today she wanted to be independent, she didn't want help from anybody. After a while the nurse got the message, she wasn't wanted. She went and sat down in the arm chair and pulled out some knitting.

/\/\/\/\

Three batches of muffins later Izzie finally stopped baking. She'd run out of flour. She thought about asking the nurse to go with her to the shop to buy some more but she didn't really feel like talking to her. Besides they really didn't need anymore muffins. Slowly she began cleaning up her mess. She washed the dishes, and she arranged the muffins into three baskets. She was pleased with her work. Something about it just seemed right.

With the kitchen clean she began looking around the house for something else to do. The nurse looked up and offered to play a game with her but she ignored her. She'd spotted the box with the photo albums and stuff Alex had taken to the hospital to show her. She hadn't looked in the box for weeks. She hadn't wanted to look in the box. It was full of memories she couldn't recall, it was full of people she didn't recognize. She hadn't wanted to look in the box because it was painful and frustrating, she'd changed and she didn't want to know what she had lost.

But now today, she felt different, she was intrigued. She pulled the photo albums out of the box and carried them over to the sofa. Slowly she began going through them and as she did things began coming back to her.

At first it was slow and fragmented, like trying to piece together an old movie or recall a dream. The images were there but they were far apart, didn't make sense. She started remembering moments, feelings but she couldn't remember the situations surrounding them.

She started remembering people, George and Meredith and everyone else from the hospital. She looked at a picture of her and George at a park laughing, she could remember being there, she could remember laughing but she didn't know what was so funny. Tears began flowing down her checks. She could remember the friendships she'd had with him. She'd been so horrible to him. What had she done?

The more she looked at everything the faster it all began coming back. Things became more vivid and clearer. She began remembering things that weren't in the photographs. Like the time she'd refereed an eating contest in the cafeteria between Alex, George, and Christina. She chuckled quietly to herself that had been a good day.

/\/\/\/\

Izzie had gone through two photo albums already. The amount of information that was hitting her was over whelming but in a good way. For the first time she felt whole, she had a past, everyone needed a past.

She picked up the third album and as she did a whole stack of photos fell out and hit the floor. They'd been tucked right up in the back, never filed, almost like someone was trying to hide them. She picked them up and began looking through them first.

The photos were of her and another man, a man she'd never seen before. They looked so happy, there was a spark in their eyes she'd not seen, it was similar to how she looked when she was with Alex but not quite the same. She didn't know who the man was but she felt instantly drawn to him. She closed her eyes and tried to remember who the man was but nothing came. She opened her eyes again and kept staring at the photo, she turned it over in her hand and as she did she saw a message written on the back.

_Dear Izzie,_

_A kiss from you says a thousand words._

_Love Always_

_Denny._

"Denny." She said the name over inside her head and closed her eyes again. It took a moment for the images to come but when they did they came hard and fast.

She began shaking all over, she could remember who this man was, she could remember how she felt for him and she could remember what happened to him. She felt like her insides were being torn apart, her whole body ached in way she hadn't felt before. It wasn't physical pain it was totally emotional.

She didn't know how she was supposed to react, how she was supposed to feel. Why hadn't Alex told her about him? Things were coming way to fast now for her to make sense of them. She was confused and suddenly she felt scared. Why hadn't Alex told her about him? What else hadn't he told her?

She needed help, she needed someone to talk to, someone to tell her that everything was okay, someone to tell her that she hadn't been living a lie for these last few weeks. She got up and began looking for the phone. The nurse asked her if she was okay, Izzie ignored her. She needed help but this old woman wasn't the person she needed.

She wanted Sarah. Sarah would be able to help her, tell her everything was okay. But it was Saturday; it was Sarah's day off and wouldn't answer her phone. Izzie tried three times before she dialed a different number. She didn't know how she knew the number, she just knew it. The phone rang six times before someone answered.

"Hello?" the person on the other end said.

"Hi, George?" She gulped. "It's me, Izzie."

/\/\/\/\

George practically dropped the phone when he heard Izzie's voice on the other end. She hadn't spoken to him since the shooting and he'd began to think she never would.

"Can you come over?" Her voice was very soft and just a little shaky. "I need someone to talk to."

"Sure. I'm at work. I'll need to find someone to cover for me. I'll be there are soon as I can."

"Thank you."

They both hung up their phones. George couldn't believe what had just happened. Izzie had actually phoned him, she'd asked for his help and he'd jumped right at the opportunity. This was exactly what he'd been waiting for.

/\/\/\/\/\

Izzie tried to compose herself while she waited for George but she couldn't do it. The more she thought about everything, the harder she tried to make sense of it the more confused and upset she became.

By the time George arrived she was a mess. Her eyes were red and swollen; she was on the verge of hyperventilating. The nurse had offered to help her twice but she'd told her to away.

George let himself into the apartment. Izzie was sitting on the sofa hunched over. She looked up at him; he saw the relief sweep over her face. He sat down beside her wrapped his arms around her. He held her tightly as she cried into his shoulder. He didn't know what had upset what had happened but then he saw the photos of her and Denny laying on table, things began to make sense.

Izzie cried into George's shoulder for almost twenty minutes. She didn't want to let go of him. She felt safe with him, she trusted him, he hadn't lied to her or tried to deceive her. He was George; she couldn't believe how horrible she'd been to him.

"Iz," George asked after a while. He let go of her and pushed her away just a little so they could talk. "What's happened?"

She used her hand to wipe away some of the tears. "I remember George. I'm remembering things and I can't make sense of them. I don't understand."

"What do you remember?" He was beginning to get an idea of what was happening. He'd never asked Alex what he'd told Izzie but he'd known there were a lot of things he'd left out.

Spread across the table were photos of her with Denny but there were other photos too. One was from the mixer the hospital had thrown before they started working together. In one of the photos Alex was with Olivia, Izzie picked this one up and handed it to George.

"I remember her with him. They were together." George nodded along. "He was with her when he was with me. He cheated on me with her." George nodded but he didn't say anything. He let Izzie keep telling her story. "He hurt me, so I fell in love with him." She picked up the photo of her and Denny, she ran her finger around his face. "I loved him but he died. I killed him." George moved closer to her on the sofa. He took her free hand in his and squeezed it tight.

"You didn't kill him Iz, he just died." Izzie tried to wipe some of the tears away from her eyes but they just kept falling.

"Why didn't he tell me any of this? Why did he lie to me about it?"

"I don't know." He handed Izzie some tissues from his pocket. "Maybe he was trying to protect you. You were so sick then. Maybe he thought it was the right thing to do."

Izzie nodded but she still didn't understand, she still didn't want to accept it. She felt like she'd been living a lie. If she'd been in love with someone else why had she gone back to Alex? Why was she with him if he'd hurt her before? Why was he being so nice to her now?

Beside her she felt George move. "I'm just going to the bathroom." He said standing up and leaving the room. While she was alone she stared at the pictures again. She tried to make sense of everything again but nothing was any clearer.

While George was gone Alex arrived home. He was an hour early. She wasn't expecting him, she wasn't ready to face him yet. She was still angry and hurt by him.

He stood just inside the door staring at her. His mouth hung open. She looked up at him, she didn't try to hide the tears, she wanted him to see exactly what he'd done to her.

"Iz, what's going on?" he asked. His mine was racing a hundred miles an hour. What could possibly be making her this upset?

"You lied to me." She said, wiping some of the tears away from her eyes. It was the only thing she could think of to say to him.

"What?" He didn't know what she was talking about. He reached down and tried to place a hand on her shoulder but she pushed him away. She didn't want him touching her, she wasn't sure if she could trust him "Iz?"

She took a deep breath and whispered softly. "I remember."

Alex had a good look at the photos that lay across the table. He saw the ones of Denny. "Oh shit." He thought to himself. This was bad, this was beyond bad, but a little part of him was ecstatic, she was getting her memory back.


	28. Chapter 28

**a/n: This is just a short chapter to keep things moving a little. Please leave a review. I really appreciate them.**

**

* * *

**

From the next room Alex heard water turn on then off. He looked in the direction of the bathroom and watched George walk out.

His mouth dropped again, what was he doing here? He wasn't supposed to be here.

"Alex." George said walking toward Izzie and stopping behind her.

"George." Alex took a step closer to him. He wanted to look intimidating, he didn't know what was going on but he felt threatened by him. Izzie had been happy when he'd left this morning, now she was an angry mess. "What are you doing here?"

"Izzie asked me to come." There was a tension building in the room. The nurse who'd been sitting in the corner knitting the entire time stood up and left. George looked down at Izzie, he could feel the tension too, some of it was directed at him but most of it was between Izzie and Alex. He needed to get out of there. He didn't belong there, not at this moment. "You need to sought this out." He said mainly to Alex. He bent down and kissed Izzie's check. "Phone me if you need anything." He said, then left, leaving Alex and Izzie alone.

/\/\/\/\

Alex wasn't quite sure what he was supposed to do, what he should say. He'd been hoping forever that Izzie would regain her memory but it had been so long he'd given up hope. He hadn't considered what regaining her memory would mean, what she'd remember. He wasn't ready for this.

He sat down on the sofa beside her, she moved as far away from him as possible. She didn't want to be near him, she didn't want to be touched, she wanted to be in control and she was afraid that if she let him touch her he'd be in control.

"Iz." He tried to reach out for her again but she pushed him away. "What have I lied about?"

He realized as soon as he asked the question he should have asked what she remembered first.

"Everything." She looked down at her hands. She ran her finger over a scar she had from one of her IV lines. "You, me, us, everything." She wouldn't look at him; she wouldn't give him eye contact.

"Iz." He put his hand on her knee and squeezed it tight. He didn't let go when she tried to push him away. "Everything I've told you is the truth."

"Really?" she looked at him this time. He could see the pain in her eyes; he could see she was hurting. "What about her then? What about him?" she pointed at the photos of Olivia and Denny. "Were you ever going to tell me about them?"

Alex didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say. He'd had no intention of ever telling Izzie about either one of them, but that still didn't make what he'd said a lie.

"Were you?" She looked at him, she was hurt but she was angry too.

"No, but…" she tried to cut him off but he kept talking he needed to explain himself. "You didn't want to know about them either."

She glared at him. How dare he try to blame this on her. "How would you know? How would you know what I wanted?"

"Because you told me."

There was an uncomfortable silence in the air. Izzie didn't know how to respond. Had she told him or was this just another one of his lies?

"When? When did I tell you this?" She finally asked.

"Everyday. Everyday when I'd try and show you things. You couldn't understand, you couldn't follow what I was telling you. You'd get tired, and frustrated, and cry. You'd ask me to stop, and then you didn't want me to start again."

She remembered this. She remembered telling him to stop, but he wasn't talking about them, he was talking about other things. She hadn't wanted to know about other things, other people; she'd wanted to know about them.

"You weren't talking about us then." She began slowly. "You were talking about other things. I didn't want to know about other things. I wanted to know about us. You should have told me."

Izzie was right and Alex knew it. He should have told her or at least tried to. But he had his reasons for not telling and they were good too.

"I'm sorry Iz." He moved closer to her on the sofa and put his arm around her. He felt her body tense a little but she didn't pull away. "I should have told you but these things were in the past, we'd worked through them. It took us a long time but we worked through them. You were so sick, you were struggling to cope with day to day activities. You didn't have the strength to deal with these things then and when you were stronger you didn't want to know about them anymore."

Izzie silently thought about what Alex was saying to her. She kind of saw where he was coming from. She didn't agree with it but she kind of understood it. She had been very sick. Maybe she wouldn't have been able to cope but she wasn't even given the chance to try. She wanted to trust Alex, she wanted to believe him but she was so confused. She didn't know the full story. A part of her wanted to keep arguing, but another part of her just wanted to know. She picked up the photo of Denny and handed it to Alex.

"Tell me everything."


	29. Chapter 29

**a/n: Sorry this has been a long time coming. Please leave a review. I really appreciate them.**

**

* * *

**

"_Tell me everything."_

Everything. Alex thought about what Izzie had just said. What she'd asked him to do. Everything was a lot, a lot more than he was prepared to tell. He thought about asking what she remembered, maybe he could tailor his story around that. But he knew he couldn't do that. He couldn't pick and choose what he told her anymore. He couldn't protect her from her past. He couldn't pretend all the bad things never happened. She was remembering them on her own. They were coming to her scattered and without context. She was confused, she didn't know if she could trust him, she wanted to trust him, he could tell. She was giving him a chance to explain. He had to tell her everything.

"Alex?" They both looked up at each other. Izzie's eyes were red and blood shot, Alex looked away. He looked back down at his hands, at the photo he was holding. "Tell me."

He put the photo down. He couldn't look at Denny. He didn't want to think about Denny. There was something about that man which had been special. He'd swept Izzie off her feet in a way he'd never seen before. She fell for him so hard and so fast. It would have been beautiful to watch had it not been so painful. It had been like watching a rollercoaster ride when you know a part of the track is missing. She'd gone up and up, she'd been so in love and then everything came crashing down. Everyone knew Denny was going to die, everyone but Izzie that is. When it did happen, when he died she fell hard and fast, she hit rock bottom and it took her a long time to get back up. Alex took in a deep breath, they were about to go back there, but he was sure going to take as long as possible to get there.

"Are you ready for this?" he asked giving her knee a squeeze. "Our relationship hasn't exactly run in a straight line. Some of the things I tell you might hurt."

"Tell me everything." She nodded at him. She wanted to know so bad, she didn't care if it hurt, it hurt not knowing. If they'd got through it before they could get through it again.

"We met the night before we started working with each other. The hospital threw a mixer for all the new interns. We talked for a little bit but we didn't exactly hit it off. I was a real ass back then. Looking back I said and did a lot of things I probably shouldn't have. But at the time they seemed like great ideas. I used to call you Dr. Model and you used to call me Dr. Evil Spawn. Once I wallpapered the hospital with pictures of you in your underwear, you'd been a lingerie model. You were not impressed. You yelled at me and everyone else for that matter and stripped down to your underwear right in the middle of the locker room."

Her eyes widened as she heard the story. She couldn't remember this happening but she could picture it. "Why did you do it?"

He shrugged. It was weird talking about these things, being asked to justify why he did them. Most of the things he'd done weren't for any reason, not one that he'd thought about before that is. "It seemed like a good idea at the time." She smiled at him, she liked that answer. "Like I said," he continued, "I was a bit of an ass. You were going out with a hockey player then, I might have been trying to get your attention. I don't know. It just seemed like a good idea at the time."

"I bet it did." She smiled again, she almost laughed. This was going well Alex thought, but he hadn't even got close to the hard stuff. "How did we get together?"

"We had some on call shifts together. We had to spend time with each other and we flirted a bit. I liked you and you liked me. So when we both had the night off you tried to ask me out and I asked you out instead."

He paused for a moment, the thought of their first date made him shudder, it had been so bad.

"What was it like, our first date?"

"It was bad. I was distracted by something I couldn't tell you about. I treated you like crap and you got mad at me."

She nodded. This wasn't so bad she thought. She wondered why Alex had been so afraid to tell her.

"You wouldn't talk to me for days. I tried a few times and you just yelled at me. But I got you back. You were mad because I didn't kiss you goodnight so I kissed you goodnight."

"Really?" The smile that had been on her face slowly got bigger. She had a very vague recollection of the moment Alex was talking about. She wanted to here what he had to say about it.

"Yeah. You were at um…umm…" The moment had been right there on the tip of his tongue but suddenly he couldn't get the words out and the moment was gone. In his mind he couldn't separate their first kiss from Joe's but he couldn't separate Joe's from the shooting. He tried to shake those images from his head but they wouldn't budge. He must have sat there for a few minutes because he felt Izzie move closer to him and squeeze his arm.

"Alex?" She asked. "What happened?"

He shook his head again. He wasn't going to go there. "I got back in your good books and we tried dating for a while. I was still distracted though and I wasn't giving you what you wanted. When I was with you I had trouble…" His voice trailed off, he couldn't say it. "We were still okay, you took it in your stride but I started worrying. I made a mistake at work, someone died and I got depressed." He picked up the photo with Olivia in it and handed it to her. "You know what happened next."

She nodded slowly. "You slept with her and I walked in."

"Yes."

A silence hung in the air. They both knew this was coming. It wasn't new information but actually saying it out loud felt horrible.

"I hurt you and I never meant to do that. You wouldn't talk to me and you got mad at George and Meredith and Christina for talking to me. I'd been having a hard time with some stuff but I shouldn't have hurt you."

She couldn't remember any of this. She remembered what Alex had done but she couldn't remember why. "What stuff?"

He took a deep breath. For some reason he was still ashamed to admit he failed his medical boards. It was so in the past it didn't matter now but he still didn't want to tell Izzie. It was odd, he'd just admitted to cheating on her.

"I failed my medical board exams. I was getting ready to retake the test and the thought of failing scared the shit out of me. I didn't tell you until the day before the test. That was why I'd been so horrible. It was still no excuse. You started talking to me again but things weren't the same."

Izzie looked over at the photo of Denny. She wanted to know about him but she didn't want to flat out ask it. She knew he had to be coming soon. "What happened next?"

"There was a bomb in the hospital." Alex paused for dramatic effect. That wasn't quite what Izzie was expecting to hear. She closed her eyes and tried to remember a bomb. It sounded like a kind of big thing, she should remember it. "It was like an apocalypse had hit the hospital" He continued before his voice trailed off as he remembered what they'd done when there'd been a bomb in the hospital. "I don't know what came over you but you decided you wanted me." He looked up and smiled. She smiled back at him and gave him a little wink. She remembered what they'd done when there'd been a bomb in the hospital.

"Things were good between us again. You said it was a lapse of judgment that we wouldn't work if we were more than just friends. But I think we'd thrown away any chance we'd ever had to have just platonic relationship. That's what I thought anyways. I thought you'd forgiven me and maybe on some level you had but you didn't want to go out with me, you wanted to be with me but that was all. I didn't realize this until it was too late."

He reached down and picked up the photo of Denny. "He came a long and things between us ended."

Izzie took the photo from Alex and looked at it again. She could remember things about this man, she could remember how she felt about this man; boy could she remember that, and she could remember what happened to him, but she couldn't remember the stuff in between, she didn't know why she felt this way about him.

"Tell me about him?" She asked.

Alex didn't know what to say. How could he explain to someone he loved about someone else they loved. It wasn't right, it wasn't normal.

"He was a good bloke. He made you laugh, smile..." he stopped, he couldn't do this. "I'm sorry Iz. I don't know what to say to you about him. I don't know why you fell for him, what attracted you to him. He was a patient and you were his doctor. We weren't talking much when he was around. I tried to stop you falling for him, or him falling for you but it back fired in my face and only brought you closer. You became consumed by him but no one else noticed, until it was too late. You risked everything you'd worked for, for him. You crossed so many lines, you broke so many rules to try and save him, and he still died."

Izzie nodded, tears were starting to trickle down her face. Talking about everything was bringing back more memories. She could remember when he died. She could remember the feeling of complete devastation, confusion, and the absurdity of it. She remembered laying across his body crying and she remembered Alex lifting her off him and crying into his shoulder.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about him before Iz. But it killed you when he died. You were so completely and utterly devastated. It took you a long time to move forward and I was afraid if I told you you'd go back there. We wanted to move forwards not backwards, I didn't think it would achieve anything to tell you."

Izzie wiped the tears away from eyes. She felt so empty and full at the same time. She moved closer to Alex and let him put his arms around her. She cried into his shoulder, she could remember losing Denny but she also remembered Alex lifting her back up again.

They sat in silence for a long time; the only noise was Izzie's sobbing. Alex tried to sooth her, he rubbed her back, he held onto her, there wasn't anything else he could do. He couldn't tell her it was all in the past, he couldn't tell her she'd already moved on because right in that instant it was just like Denny had died all over again.

After a while Izzie stopped crying. Alex used his hand to wipe the tears away from her face. She smiled at him and rested her head back against his shoulder. She liked being close to him, she liked feeling his warmth. As much as she wanted to be mad at him for not telling her she couldn't stay mad at him. She understood why he did it, the feelings she'd felt over the last couple of hours had torn her to pieces. She wouldn't have coped with it in the hospital; she barely coped with it now.

"Alex?" she asked not moving from his shoulder. "How did we end up together? After everything that happened, why did we get together?"

"I don't know." It wasn't something that Alex had actually thought about too much. "I guess it was just meant to happen." He paused, he could tell Izzie wanted to hear more but he needed to pick his words carefully. "After he died you went to a very dark place. You needed time to heal, you didn't want me, you didn't want anyone. But somehow our friendship became stronger. There were times when it seemed like I was the only one who could get through to you. But like I said you didn't want me. I tried to move on but no one else seemed right. And then one day you were ready. You came up to me at work and kissed me. You caught me completely off guard, but in a good way. That was the start of something amazing. We tried to take it slow but neither one of us was capable of doing that."

He reached over to the table and pulled off the photo album that was at the bottom of the pile. It was still closed; Izzie hadn't looked at it yet.

"These," he said, "are from after, when everything between us was going great."

He opened the album up and began showing Izzie the pictures. In every photo she was smiling, her eyes were lit up and she really did look happy. He looked happy too.

"Do you remember any of this?" he asked slowly turning the pages. Sometimes he'd stop and talk about when a photo was taken.

Izzie shook her head. She couldn't remember much past Denny. "I'm sorry I don't remember." She paused for a moment; she looked harder at the photos. "I will remember, I want to remember, but not tonight." She kissed his cheek and sat up. "I'm really tired now. I'm going to go to bed." She stood up slowly and walked to the bedroom. Alex followed her and tucked her in like a child, he kissed her cheek.

"We'll talk more in the morning." He said, but she was already asleep.

Alex walked back the lounge room and began putting away the photos. He closed the old photos quickly but he lingered a little longer at the newer ones, the ones where they were happy. He wished they could go back to the way they were but that was impossible. The shooting had changed them both. In their own ways they were still putting themselves back together. He wondered what tomorrow would be like; he wondered how they'd move forward from here. She seemed to have accepted what he'd told her but weather she'd forgiven him he wasn't sure.


	30. Chapter 30

**a/n: yeah it's been forever since I've updated this. I was busy with uni assignments and I had a massive writers block. Just like Alex didn't know how he was going to move forward from there neither did I. But here is something, lets call it the beginning of the end. Hopefully you'll enjoy it. **

**

* * *

**

The day after things started coming back, Alex talked to Izzie a lot more. He wanted to get a better understanding on where they were, what she knew and what she wanted to know. There were still a lot of holes in her memory but it was easier to connect the dots. She asked a lot of questions and he answered them as best he could. This was the beginning of yet another chapter in their lives. They had a long way to go together but they would make it.

The memories brought them closer. They understood each other a lot better, well Izzie understood Alex better. She understood why he needed to work, why he needed to be a surgeon. She remembered what it felt like to be in the OR, it was a natural high, she didn't want to prevent him from feeling that. With his help she began reconnecting with her old friends. They welcomed her in with open arms. It was almost like nothing had changed but everything had changed.

The night after things started coming back, Alex took her over to the house. Meredith and George hadn't touched her room, everything was exactly like she'd left it. She lay down on her bed and breathed, her sheets still smelt like her. She felt at home, but this wasn't her home anymore.

That night they ordered pizza and everyone sat around the TV and watched Ellis Grey tapes. It was Izzie's idea. She remembered the tapes but the memory she had of them was old, she didn't realize the others had stopped watching the tapes a long time ago. They'd seen every tape at least a dozen times and performed many of the procedures themselves. But they didn't want to stop Izzie being Izzie so they let her pick the tapes and tried to act like it was the first time they'd seen them as well.

Slowly the relationships she had with her friends began to normalize. Things stopped being strained and just became comfortable. They became her greater support network and lessened some of the tension from Alex. Finally he wasn't the only one she could depend on. But regaining her memory was a double edged sword bad things came a long with the good and some good things were bad things too.

She began to understand herself. For the first time since the accident she knew who she was, but she also knew how much she'd changed, how much she'd lost. She wasn't the same person she used to be, she couldn't be, she wanted to be but it was impossible.

So much of her pervious life had been about being a doctor, being a surgeon. She'd thought at first perhaps she could still be a surgeon; she even went as far as talking Alex into taking her to work with him. She had meetings with Dr. Shepard and the Chief and while they wouldn't flat out say 'you're never going to be a doctor again' it soon became clear that was the message they were trying to send. There were so many hoops they wanted her to jump through, tests that she'd have to past, things that she'd have to be able to do that her therapists were telling her she may never be able to do.

The message was simple, physically and mentally she wouldn't be able to perform her job. It wasn't that she was retarded or dumb, everyone made it very clear to her that she was still very intelligent, it was just her mind didn't work as fast as it used to. Her memory wasn't good, she needed things explained to her five or six times before she understood them. She found it difficult to concentrate for extended periods of time or to perform more than one task at once. These were things she was told she could work on and in time they would improve but she would never be the same. Physically her problems were similar, she wasn't disabled as such, she didn't qualify for a disabled parking permit. She could walk and talk and function on a day to day level but that wasn't enough. She needed medication to control her seizures and they still occurred spontaneously every few weeks. The left side of her body had a permanent weakness and she'd lost a lot of her dexterity and super fine motor skills. If she'd been something other than a surgeon it wouldn't have mattered but to be a surgeon you needed to be more than just okay you needed to be perfect.

/\/\/\/\

_Seven months after the shooting._

Izzie smoothed the icing on a chocolate cake, she paused a moment to admire her work and then pulled out a knife and cut three large pieces. She placed the three slices of cake on a tray with two mugs of coffee and a mug of hot chocolate she'd made earlier. She carried the tray over to the table and sat it down.

It was Sunday afternoon and Sarah had come over to visit. Sarah had stopped being Izzie's nurse four weeks ago and this was the first time since then they'd seen each other. In the months Sarah had been her nurse they'd developed a very strong friendship. Izzie confided in her a lot and looked to her for advice. It was Alex's day off so he sat at the table with the two women.

"What am I going to do with myself?" Izzie asked sitting downing. She was beginning to go stir crazy at home, she desperately wanted to do something. And she'd been told by her doctors earlier in the week that her condition was unlikely to improve significantly more.

"You could open a bakery." Sarah offered swallowing a bit of cake. "Everything you bake is delicious."

"Thanks." Izzie smiled putting a piece of cake in her mouth. "But baking is for pleasure. I can't bake for a living." She paused for a moment to gather her thoughts. "I want to help people; I want to make a difference."

Sarah put another piece of cake in her mouth. She didn't know what to say. She'd seen this happen before, as people reached the pinnacle of their recovery they sometimes began searching for meaning or reason.

"There's got to something I can do, something I'm meant to do. I was shot in the head and I'm still here, there's got to be a reason."

Izzie was at a loss, she needed purpose in her life, she was sick of just floating and letting others tell her what to do.

"I could talk to the Chief for you again." Alex offered. "If you keep up with the rehab maybe…"

"No Alex. Don't go there." Alex still held hope that maybe one day Izzie would be able to practice medicine again but Izzie had been trying as hard as she could to put that idea at the back of her mind. She'd had so many knock backs; she wanted to find something new. If she was only meant to practice medicine why had this happened to her in the first place?

"I could see if the centre needs anymore volunteers." Sarah offered, it wasn't what Izzie was looking for and Sarah knew it but it was a start. The centre was a non-profit that assisted people recovering from head injuries. Over the years she'd seen the centre provide direction for many people in Izzie's situation.

"Maybe…" Izzie thought but she wanted more than what the centre could offer.

The conversation drifted off to what Sarah had been up to. She had a new patient to take care of, a young boy who'd been injured in a car accident. Sarah was telling them all about him when the phone started ringing.

"Hello?" Izzie asked picking up the phone. On the other end of the line she heard giggling like someone was surprised she'd answered. "Hello." Izzie said again.

"Hi." A young girl spoke on the other end of the line. "Is this Isobel Stevens?"

"That depends. Who is this?" Izzie wasn't sure who this person was, how they knew her name or how they got her number.

"My name is Ally O'Brian. I'm a student at Chehalis High School. Is this Isobel Stevens?" Izzie mouth dropped. It had been a very long time since she's heard that name. She still remembered her childhood in that town; she'd left it behind a long time ago. "Hello?" the girl said again. "Is this Isobel Stevens?"

"Yes." Izzie said shaking her head. "How did you get this number?"

"It's you? Oh my god." On the other end of the line Izzie heard a few claps and someone jumping up and down in excitement.

"How did you get this number?" she asked again. "What do you want?"

"Oh sorry." The girl paused for just a second before she started talking in run on sentences. "We've been going through the phone book looking for you. Yours is the tenth number we've phoned. My English teacher Mrs Sykes wants us to write a paper on someone we admire who we've never met. My dad works as the chef at the Road Side Diner and he's always talking about you, how you got out of this town and made something of yourself. Most people are writing about movie stars and sports people but I'm writing about you. We get extra credit if the person we write about to comes to the school and talks."

The girl finally stopped talking and the line went silent. Izzie could believe what she was hearing.

"I'm sorry." She said. "Who are you again?"

The girl took a deep breath and began talking much slower. "My name is Ally O'Brian. I go to Chehalis High School. I wanted to know if you'd consider coming to my school and talking to everyone. My dad has told me a lot about you and I think everyone would appreciate hearing your story."

Izzie nodded to herself, she was trying to take in everything that this girl was saying, what she was asking. They wanted her to give a speech at her old high school. They wanted to hear her talk about herself.

"I think you have the wrong person." She finally said. "I'm no one special."

"Oh." The girl sounded disappointed. "But you said you were Isobel Stevens."

"I am but I'm nothing special, I'm sure you could find someone better to come to your school."

There was a pause on the other end of the line as the girl tried to think what to say next.

"That's the exact reason I think you'd be perfect." She finally started saying again. "You're one of us, you're from here, you know what it's like to live here and you got away. You went to college and became a doctor. That might not make you special to a lot of people but I think the kids in this town now might find it amazing. I know I do." There was another pause as the girl collected her thoughts, Izzie didn't know what to say, she didn't quite believe what she was hearing. "Please." The girl continued. "Will you at least consider it?"

Izzie swallowed, and agreed to consider it. The girl gave her, her phone number and Izzie promised her she'd hone her back within a few day. Then she hung up the phone and turned to Alex and Sarah who'd been listening to the whole thing.

"You should do it." They both said even though they didn't know exactly what it was the girl had asked.

"You think?" Izzie sat back down with them and began telling them exactly what the girl had wanted. It didn't take a lot of convincing for them to talk Izzie into doing it. It was exactly what she had been looking for. Within an hour she'd phoned the girl back and began to work out the details of when this might occur.


	31. Chapter 31

**a/n: Yeah it's been a while since the last update but here it is. The end is near; there are probably two maybe three more parts to go until this story is finished. I hope you enjoy. **

* * *

Izzie spoke to Ally on the phone every other day for a week organizing the details of this speech. In the end they decided on a Friday six weeks away so Izzie would have enough time to prepare and also so it coincided with the schools end of semester assembly.

Izzie was truly excited when the date was finally set. She'd been afraid they'd want her to do it much sooner and she wouldn't have enough time to prepare, but six weeks she thought was plenty of time. Soon everything she did became about this presentation. She thought about it constantly, during the day when she was home alone. She would come up with new ideas, and new angles to present the same stuff and then in the evenings when Alex was home she'd run her new ideas by him.

He'd sit and listen and offer feedback when he thought it was necessary. He couldn't believe how much this project was changing her. They'd been told so many times that things were as good as they'd get but things just kept getting better. This project gave Izzie confidence and a sense of purpose like nothing he could have imagined. The very thought that her story might make a difference to someone else's life excited her; it scared the shit out of her as well but in a good way.

She practiced and practiced and by the time the day of the presentation arrived Alex knew her presentation as well as she did.

/\/\/\/\

Alex organized to have the whole day off work so he could drive Izzie to the school. The presentation wasn't scheduled until 1pm but they'd decided to drive down in the morning and have lunch somewhere near the town.

Izzie stood in the bedroom getting ready while Alex cooked breakfast in the kitchen. The smell of bacon began wafting into the room. Bacon and eggs had kind of become his specialty; he cooked it at least once a week.

"Are you nearly ready?" he called dishing the food up on two plates.

"Yes." She called back buttoning the blouse she was wearing. She used her hands to smooth the front of it and walked over to the mirror to have another look at herself. She kept second guessing her choice of outfit, she kept thinking she was overdressed and then underdressed. She stood in front of the mirror telling herself that what she was wearing was fine but as she stood there her vision began going strange. Everything became very bright and then she smelt the burning rubber.

"Shit." She thought to herself before yelling "Alex help!" She was able to walk over to the bed and lay down right before everything went black.

Alex arrived in the room just as her body seized and began convulsing. He grabbed his watch and began timing the seizure. Sixty three seconds later her body went limp and two seconds later she started taking big gulps of air.

She lay flat on her back trying to get her breathing right, her head pounded and she felt exhausted. She felt Alex placed his hand on her forehead and she turned to face. "How long?" she asked.

"Just over a minute." he told her, noticing a tear run down the side of her face. "It's okay. We don't have to go to the hospital. I can finish packing and you can sleep it off in the car."

She nodded and closed her eyes again. "Why did this have to happen today of all days," she thought to herself. She hadn't had a seizure in weeks.

Alex walked back to the kitchen and ate breakfast on his own. He placed Izzie in a container and added it to the things which needed to be placed in the car. He packed the car by himself and smiled at the situation he'd just found himself in. He would never admit it to Izzie but he was glad he could pack the car by himself. He had a few things planed which she didn't know about and this made keeping them a surprise so much easier.

/\/\/\/\

Just after 10:30 Alex parked the car and turned off the engine. They'd reached their first destination for the day. He looked over at the passenger seat, Izzie was still sound asleep. He smiled to himself and pulled the leaver to open the boot. He walked around the back of the car and pulled out the picnic basket and blanket he'd packed. He made sure Izzie was still asleep and headed off down the path to check things out.

After walking for five minutes he found the perfect spot for them to eat. The spot was on the banks of the river under an old red gum tree. He lay the rug on the ground and placed the basket down on top of it. He paused to take the setting in for a moment and then headed back up the path to get Izzie.

She was thankfully still asleep when he came back. He opened her door and gently shook her shoulder to wake her.

"Iz," he whispered softly, "we're here."

Slowly she opened her eyes and blinked, taking in the surrounding which were unfamiliar but at the same time oh so familiar. "Where are we?" she asked.

"Somewhere." Alex smiled at her and he took hold of her arm and pulled her out the car. "Come on I'll show you."

Izzie took Alex's arm and walked with him down the path. As she walked she began taking in her surroundings. She recognized where she was. It had been a long time since she'd last been here, it had changed a lot, the trees were bigger, the path better maintained but it was still the same place.

After walking for five minutes the path opened up and Izzie saw the river for the first time. She saw the picnic blanket and the basket. "Alex." She said gripping his arm tighter. "This is beautiful."

"I know." He said with a smile and he walked her over to the blanket. He sat down first and then pulled her down on top of him. They both laughed and he kissed her before opening up the basket. He began pulling out the food he'd packed. He hadn't been sure what they'd feel like eating so he'd packed a little bit of everything. There were breads and cheeses, crackers, chicken, beef, salads, a few muffins, and to drink he'd packed a bottle of Maison. He popped the cork on the bottle first and poured the drink into two plastic Champaign glasses so they could pretend they were drinking Champaign.

Slowly they began making their way through the food. Izzie hadn't eaten breakfast so she was starving. After an hour most of the food was gone. Alex was leaning back against the tree and Izzie was leaning back against him. They were both staring out to the river admiring the view and the tranquility of their surroundings.

"Thank you for bring me here." Izzie said not looking at him.

He leant forward and around and kissed her. "It's a lot prettier than I thought it would be."

"Yeah…" Izzie sighed.

There was a silence between them, for a moment all they could hear were the birds. "I used to come here as a kid." Izzie began. "My dad and I used to go fishing just over there." She pointed to a spot just down the river a bit.

"Really? I didn't know you liked to fish."

"I don't." She paused for a moment before offering a little more explanation. "I used to like it with my dad but he died a long time ago."

"Oh, I'm sorry." Alex offered and she felt him pull his arms around her tighter.

"It's okay." She smiled at him. She was beginning to feel a little embarrassed for bringing it up. "It was a long time ago."

They went back to sitting in silence, enjoying the scenery. "What time is it?" She asked after a while.

"Nearly noon." Alex said looking at his watch. Izzie pushed herself off him and sat up straight.

"Where are my cards?" She said, now facing him. "I need to practice my presentation again."

"They're in the car." Alex said and he stood up. "I'll go get them for you."

Alex set off down the path toward the car. He was going to have a look in the car for the cards but in his mind he knew exactly where the cards where and it wasn't in the car. In his mind he could see the cards sitting right where Izzie had left them the night before. They where sitting on her nightstand next to her bed at home. He'd completely forgotten to pack them. He looked in the car for them anyways. He was using the time to try and work out what on earth he was going to say to her, how on earth he could fix the problem. She was going to freak.

After five minutes of looking he slowly began to make his way back to Izzie. He didn't have her cards but in his hand he had some paper and a pen. He knew her presentation well, he tried to tell himself. If they have to, they can rewrite the cards.

Izzie watched Alex come down the path toward her. She could see in his hand he held something but that something wasn't her cards. "Alex," she said as he sat down next to her. "Where are my cards?"

She watched him lower his head a little and his eyes look at the ground. "I forgot to pack them." He said in a whisper loud enough for her to hear.

"What!" He looked up just in time to see the color begin to drain form her face. "That's not funny Alex. Where are they?"

"I'm sorry Iz. I'm not trying to be funny. I forget to pack them."

He watched her face for ques. She didn't look angry, she looked hurt, lost, almost devastated. "Alex how could you!" She reached out and slapped him on the shoulder.

She felt her world begin to crumble. Over and over in her head she was thinking. _What am I going to do? What am I going to do?_ She wanted to scream at Alex, hit him or something but it wasn't going to help the situation. She began freaking out and did the one thing she always did, the one thing she couldn't seem to control, she began crying.

Alex moved closer to her and wrapped an arm around her. Her reflex told her to push him away but she liked him holding her. "What am I going to do?" she asked him, hoping he had an answer.

"We could rewrite the cards." He offered holing up the scraps of paper he'd found in the car.

She looked at the scraps of paper and started crying more. "We can't rewrite the cards. I don't know what the cards said."

Alex let go of her so he could look at her while he talked. "We can rewrite the cards. You practiced your presentation one hundred times. You know what the cards said."

"No I don't. That was the whole point of them. That's why I practiced so much. Alex I can't remember anything."

"You remember this Iz, You know this." He tried to tell her.

"No I don't." She cried as more tears ran down her face. She pulled her knees up to her chest. "I can't remember anything."

"Yes you can." He reached over to her face and lifted her chin so she was looking at him again. "And if you really can't, I can."

"Okay." She whispered, using a hand to wipe the tears from her face. "Start writing."

/\/\/\

Izzie stood backstage in the high school's auditorium. It was just after 1pm and she was due to start any minute now. In her hands she held the scraps of paper Alex had written notes out for her on. She'd managed to stop crying but she was so nervous, her hands couldn't stop shaking.

"I'd like to welcome on to the stage Isobel Stevens." The schools principle announced. There was no round of applause just the squeak of students moving around in their chairs.

She took a deep breath and tried to tell herself she was ready for this. Alex was still standing with her. He reached over and squeezed her hands. "You're ready for this." He told her. "You're going to do great." He gave her a kiss on the cheek and a small push towards the stage. "I'll be at the back watching."

She gave him a weak smile and walked on to the stage.

/\/\/\/\

Izzie took her place behind the podium on the stage. She stared out at the sea of adolescents. Most of them didn't look interested in what she had to say. She saw kids sleeping, and others reading books or magazines, a few girls were braiding each others hair and some even looked like they were doing homework.

She looked down at the papers she held in her hands. Alex had done a very good job at remembering her speech but he hadn't remembered it all. What was written those pieces of paper wasn't her speech, what was written on them wasn't going to get through to these kids. She felt her heart begin to race, she took a deep breath and told herself she could do this. She took another deep breath and told herself she was about to do the right thing. She heard someone in the audience cough and then she walked out from behind the podium. In front of everyone she tore her notes in half and then walked to the back of the stage. She picked up a chair which was sitting there and carried the chair to the front of the stage. She sat down and took one last deep breath. She was calm, she was composed, she was ready she told herself and began talking.


	32. Chapter 32

"Hi," Izzie nervously uttered her first word to the students. She was testing her voice, seeing what it sounded like in the room. Not a single student reacted.

"Good afternoon." She began again. "Some of you are probably wondering who I am." She paused and a small smile came across her face. "Some of you are probably wondering how long this is going to take." She looked down at her watch. "They tell me you finish school at 2:20. I promise I'll be finished before then." Still there was no reaction from the students. She wasn't even sure if they were listening to her. She took another breath and pressed on.

"I remember when I was in school. We used to have assemblies like this where the school would get someone in to talk to us about life. I remember I used to sit there and think. _What would this person know? They don't know anything about me. They don't know what it's like to live here. They don't know how difficult it is._ I used to think it was funny that the school couldn't get anyone local, they always got people from the big cities. My friends and I joked that the reason for this was because no one from the town ever amounted to anything or if they did they ran so far away they never came back." She paused for a moment. She seemed to have a few kids attention now.

"Well I'm not going to pretend I know what it's like to be you but I do know a little bit about what it's like to live here. You see this is my high school too. I grew up in this town. I lived out in Forest Lake." She smiled as a new thought crossed her mind. "I probably babysat a few of you when you were little. So I know what it's like to live here. I know what it's like to feel like you're stuck, to want to get away but feel like there is no way out."

A few more kids sat up to listen. "Now I'm not here to tell you I know your situation. I don't know anything about any of you. I'm here to tell you my story and hopefully some of you might get something out of it."

Izzie closed her eyes for a moment and concentrated on her breathing. This wasn't how she'd planed to do this. This wasn't what she'd practiced. She opened her eyes again. Everything was exactly the same. She could see there were a few kids listening but most of them looked totally disinterested. This wasn't what she had expected. For some reason she'd thought they'd all be captivated by her every word. But really who was she kidding, when she was a kid she'd never listened to people like her. There were a few kids listening though. If she got through to just one of them it would be worth it.

"So…" Izzie began again before her voice trailed off. She didn't know where to start. Did she start at the beginning or was it better to start at the end and work backwards. The silence went on a little longer than it should. Kids began moving in their seats, those who had been paying attention began to look around. She was losing her audience and beginning to regret tearing up her papers. And then Alex caught her eye, from the back of the auditorium he was smiling at her and when he saw her looking at him he gave her the thumbs ups. She took another deep breath and began her story in the middle.

"I left this town eleven years ago. Two days after my eighteenth birthday I packed up a suit case and hopped on a bus bound for Seattle."

Slowly she began painting her story. It was all over the place and jumbled up, she kept moving back and forth between her life in the town and what happened when she left. She wanted to cover everything, she wanted them to know everything because she thought she'd been dealt a lot of bad cards in her life but she'd made the best of them. She spoke about her father's death, her grandmothers which on some levels was so much harder. She didn't talk much about her mother, her mother still lived in the town and she was sure people would know who she was. Her mother wasn't a bad person she just hadn't been there like she needed to be.

She spoke about getting pregnant a few months before her sixteenth birthday and how the experience turned her life around. Before she'd been pregnant she'd been getting into a lot of trouble at school, she'd been trying to get her mothers attention but it wasn't working. She told the students she'd never planned to get pregnant. She told them that at the time it felt like the worse thing that could possible happen but in retrospect it was probably the best thing. She descried the pregnancy as the wake up call she needed. She talked about how she cleaned herself up, started taking care of herself and started going to classes. She talked about the moment she realized she wanted her child to have more than she could offer and her decision to put the child up for adoption. She said it was the hardest decision she'd ever had to make but she'd never regretted it for a second.

The more she talked the more students sat up and started to listen. She saw them putting down their books, closing their magazines and watching her.

"When I left Chehalis I didn't have much. I wasn't even accepted into any colleges. For the first six months I lived in this tiny little apartment with three other people. I waited tables to pay the bills and wrote application after application for mid year intake at every college around."

"Getting into college was hard. I'm not going to lie to you and say it was easy but…" Izzie's voice trailed off as the door at the back of the auditorium opened. For a second the woman was framed by the light from outside and Izzie saw who it was. Her heart skipped a beat; she hadn't expected her mother to come. For a moment she couldn't talk. She watched her mother cross the room and stand next to Alex. She smiled at him and he gave her a nod. _What?_ She thought to herself before she shook her head and kept talking.

"…but if you want to go to college you can. There are ways to get around everything, you just have to work hard. You just have to want it enough. Life is about the choices you make. It is about taking the situations you find yourself in and making the most of them, using them to your advantage. Life isn't meant to be easy. If everything was easy it wouldn't be a life. Things happen, things you don't plan, things that make life difficult. The trick is to not let them take control of your life. You need to accept them, move on and make the most of them."

She was finally getting to her point. She was finally saying what she wanted everyone to take away with them.

"Nine months ago I never would have thought I'd be standing here in front of all of you talking. Nine months ago I was a doctor in the third year of my residency. I had no plans to come back here. This town was part of my history but not my present. And then something totally unexpected happened. I was shot once in the head and my whole world changed. I should have died but I didn't. I was in a coma for over a week and when I woke up I was no longer the person I used to be. I had to learn how to do everything again. I couldn't talk, I couldn't walk, I could barely move and I didn't know who I was." She paused for a moment as tears started to well up in her eyes. This was the first time she'd ever really spoken to anyone about this.

"What I'm trying to say is you can't control the unexpected. You can't plan everything. When bad things happen you just have to accept them, learn from them, and believe that there is a reason why they happened in the first place." She used the back of her hand to wipe the tears from her eyes. "I'm not a doctor any more. The bullet left me with permanent brain damage which makes performing the job impossible. But I like to think now that it isn't so bad. If I was still a doctor I would never have agreed to have come here today. I wouldn't have had time to come here today. Speaking with you today, maybe this was the reason I got shot."

Izzie stopped talking and began to eye off the crowd. Almost every student was watching her. She smiled, this was what it was all about. She stood up and leant on the back of the chair. "I'll leave my contact details with the guidance councilor's office if anyone would like to talk to me more. Thank you for listening to my story."

She turned and started walking to the back of the stage. The room was completely silent and then someone at the back yelled loudly "Wooohooo." And started clapping. Soon almost everyone was clapping. Izzie had her back to everyone so no one saw the smile on her face which just kept getting bigger and bigger.

/\/\/\/\

The school principle dismissed the students immediately after Izzie's speech. She was still standing at the back of the stage when the kids began to pile out of the auditorium. Most of them went straight for the doors but half a dozen made their way toward the stage.

Alex stood at the back of the auditorium with Izzie's mother watching Izzie talk to the students who'd approached her following the speech. She had a smile all the way across her face and her eyes were shining. She was writing something down on pieces of paper and handing it to the kids. He hoped she was giving them an e-mail address and not their home phone number.

He waited until all the students were gone before he started walking toward her. As he started moving he turned back to Izzie's mom. "Are you coming?" he asked and he kept walking.

/\/\/\/\

Izzie said goodbye to the last student and watched as Alex began walking toward her. He had his arms out stretched and when he reached her he embraced her tightly. "That was amazing." He said into her ear. "I'm so proud of you." He lifted her up into the air and then placed her back on the ground. "You were amazing." He said holding her at arms length.

"Yeah." She said smiling. "It did feel pretty good once I got going."

"Yeah."

Behind Alex she could see her mother standing, waiting. Alex looked over his shoulder and nodded. "I'm going to go check out the town." He said letting go of her. "You'll be alright. Phone me when you're finished."

She watched him walk out of the room. She waited until he was gone before she looked at her mother. She didn't know what to say to her. It had been years since they'd spoken and even longer since they'd seen each other.

"Cricket." Was all her mother said as she walked toward her with her arms out stretched. She let her hug her but it wasn't like with Alex. "I've been thinking about you." Her mother said letting go.

Izzie stood staring at her. She was confused and a little overwhelmed. She didn't know what she should say, what she was supposed to say, so she said the one thing she really wanted to know. "Where were you?"

Her mother smiled at her and held out her hand. "How about we go for a walk." Izzie stared at her hand assessing whether she should take it. "Alex will be fine." Her mother offered, thinking that was Izzie's problem.

"Oh." Izzie said wondering how her mother knew Alex. "Okay" and she took her mothers hand and they walked out the auditorium together.


	33. Chapter 33

Izzie walked out the auditorium with her mother in silence. The air between them was hard to describe, it wasn't tension, more like an empty void. It had been more than ten years since she'd seen her mother and about three years since they'd spoken. They walked aimlessly through the school and ended up at the football field where they climbed the bleachers and sat next to each other. For a while they just sat and watched the students practice, there was a group of cheerleaders in the far corner practicing stunting, a group of soccer players in the middle of the field and some more guys running laps around the oval.

"So…how have you been?" Izzie asked making the first move.

"I've been good." Her mother replied slowly. "I got a job at a bakery."

"That's great." Izzie smiled. When she'd left home her mother hadn't been working.

"Yeah…" silence fell between them again. There were so many things between them that hadn't been said, that needed to be said. "You did really well up there today." Her mother began again. "I'm really proud of you."

Izzie didn't say anything. She couldn't remember her mother ever complimenting her on anything. The words seemed out of place.

"I mean it." Her mother continued. "You've grown into such an amazing woman."

Izzie didn't look at her mother, instead she stared out onto the field. She didn't know what to say to that; this woman wasn't the mother she remembered. The silence between them dragged on. Her mother moved closer to her and placed a hand on her knee. "Cricket?" she said the name like a question, like she was trying to get a response.

Izzie closed her eyes and breathed. She knew what she should say but that wasn't what she wanted to say. She didn't want her mother to think that by showing up today she could make up for everything else. So she didn't say thank you, she didn't say I love you, she asked the question she wanted to know the answer to.

"Why did you come today?"

Her mother smiled at her but she couldn't hide the disappointment in her eyes. "Because you're my daughter. I wanted to see you."

"But why today? Why not three, six, nine months ago when I needed you?"

Her mother looked away from her, her eyes were glassy like she was about to cry. "I did come. I came as soon at it happened, I just couldn't stay. You were so sick. I thought you were going to die. I couldn't watch it." She paused for just a moment. "I'm sorry I wasn't there. I thought you were dead."

Izzie didn't know what to say. It wasn't the excuse she was expecting. "I love you so much." Her mother continued. "I couldn't sit there and watch you suffer. I couldn't sit there and watch another one of my children die. I'm so sorry."

Izzie's mind skipped a beat. She wasn't sure she'd heard right, she wasn't sure she'd understood. "Mom?" She asked. "Who else died?"

Her mother used her hand to wipe the tears that had fallen from her face and looked up at her. "You had a brother, Luke." She began. "He died of leukemia when you were an infant."

"What?" She said, shocked. That wasn't the response she was expecting. "Why didn't I know?"

The events of her childhood suddenly were playing through her mind. She was trying to think of a time, anytime at all where there was some mention of a brother but there was nothing.

"After everything happened, after he was gone, it just hurt too much."

Izzie reached out and took her mothers hand. She squeezed it tightly. This was the first time she'd offered any type of affection to her. Her mother smiled at her and wiped some more tears from her eyes.

"Lets not talk about this."

They went back to sitting in silence. But there was a closeness between them that wasn't there before. They hadn't exactly built any bridges but they'd broken the ice. Izzie was thinking more about her childhood, about the relationship she had with her mother, why it had always been strained. This new information it didn't make the way things were okay but there was an understanding. The silence lasted a long time. They watched the students finish their practices and leave the field. They watched the sun begin to set. Izzie shivered.

"Are you cold?" her mother asked.

"No." She replied pulling her coat tighter around her.

"I am." Her mother replied. "We should go inside."

"Yeah." Izzie sighed but she didn't make any effort to move.

"Do you want to come back to the trailer?" She didn't respond. She was thinking. She didn't know if she wanted to go back there just yet. "I baked cupcakes this morning, the chocolate ones you always liked."

"I don't know." She wanted to go but she didn't want to as well.

"We could have coffee and cake and just talk some more."

"We've been sitting here for hours and we've hardly talked."

"I know, but I like being with you."

"I should probably call Alex. He's probably wondering where I am."

"Don't worry about Alex." Her mother said standing up and holding out her hand. "He can look after himself. Come on."

Slowly Izzie stood up and they began walking the half mile back to the trailer.

/\/\/\/\

"Would you like something to drink?" her mother asked pulling two mugs from the cupboard. "Tea? Coffee?"

Izzie was standing in front of a small radiator trying to warm up. After the sun had gone down it had gotten cold quickly.

"I don't drink coffee anymore. Can you make hot chocolate?"

"Sure." Her mother said smiling. "I can't promise you it will be any good. I haven't made one since you were eight."

"It'll be fine." She smiled back. Since they'd gotten back to the trailer things had become more easy between them. They were relaxing into each others company.

Her mother handed her the drink and they sat down next to each other on the sofa. "You've done a lot of good things with the trailer." She offered looking around the room, it was nothing like she remembered. It seemed bigger and it was a lot cleaner.

"Yeah." Her mother smiled taking a sip of her drink. "When you left…" she paused to think of the right way to word what she wanted to say. "It was the wakeup call I needed. It made me realize what I'd done to myself, what I'd done to you." She took another sip of her drink. "I cleaned this place up and myself. I got a job."

"You mentioned that."

"My hope was that you might come back, that if you did you…" her mother's voice trailed off, she couldn't say what she really wanted to say so instead she said. "I wanted to impress you."

"Yeah, you've done good." Izzie smiled, taking a sip of her drink. They were still sitting there looking around when the door opened and Alex walked in.

Izzie was surprised to see him, she hadn't phoned him, but her mother looked like she'd been expecting him. "I was wondering when you'd show up." She said standing up and giving him a hug.

"Things took a little longer than expected." He whispered to her and then walked over to Izzie and gave her a kiss and sat down next to her.

"How has your afternoon been?"

"It's been good." She replied sounding genuinely sincere. "Mom and I have been talking."

"That's great." He smiled at both of them before asking. "Are you ready to go?"

"Go?" There was a hint of hesitation in her voice which made her mother smile.

"It's a long drive back to Seattle. We don't want to get home too late."

"Oh." She didn't want to leave; she wasn't ready to leave just yet.

"You can come back and visit some other time." Her mother offered noticing her disappointment. "This doesn't have to be good bye. We can keep talking."

"You can." Alex offered. "We really should get going."

Izzie sat for a moment thinking before nodding slowly. "Okay. We can go."

They said their good byes and made promises to come visit and phone and within a few minutes they were in the car driving. At the edge of the town Alex turned off the main road.

"Where are we going?" Izzie asked. She could tell they weren't heading towards Seattle.

"I'll tell you when we get there." Alex smiled. "Why don't you get some rest."

"I don't want to sleep." She stated.

Alex shrugged. "I can't make you sleep." He smiled to himself and kept driving.

* * *

**The end is near. Only one more part to go. Seriously. Please leave me some reviews.**


	34. Chapter 34

Izzie lent forward and began adjusting the radio station in the car. They'd been driving for five minutes now and she had no idea where they were going. It was too dark for her to make out road signs, all she knew is they were heading in the wrong direction for Seattle. She sighed and turned the radio off. There wasn't anything decent on and asked Alex again.

"Where are we going?" But Alex just shrugged.

"You'll see when we get there." He told her again. They drove along in silence for a while. Izzie thought that if she waited long enough Alex would tell her where they were going but Alex had no intention of telling her where they were going.

After driving for fifteen minutes Alex slowed the car down and shut off the engine.

"We're here." He said. Izzie looked around. It was so dark she couldn't make out a thing. "Wait here. I'll be back in a moment." Alex climbed out the car and began walking away. Izzie went to call out after him but he was already out of sight. Outside Izzie could hear the sounds of the night. She felt herself beginning to get scared. She told herself to stay calm that Alex would be back soon. He seemed to be gone forever and then the entire area around her lit up. The car was parked in front of a cabin in the middle of the woods and Alex was standing in the doorway. "Wow" she thought to herself as Alex began walking toward her. He opened her car door and held out his hand.

"Alex, what's going on?" She asked him as they began walking toward the door.

"You'll see." He said smiling at her and he walked her inside.

"Wow" Izzie said to herself again when Alex opened the door. Inside the cabin was tiny it was only one room but it was beautiful. On one wall there was an open fire which was burning strongly. In front of the fire there was a small dining table set up for two with a single candle burning in the centre of it. On another wall there was a bed and in the corner a tiny kitchen.

He walked her over to the table and pulled out a chair for her. He indicated for her to sit down and then spread a napkin across her lap.

"Alex…" She went to say. His name was the only word she could form.

"Shhh…" He whispered and then he walked over to the kitchen and pulled two plates of food out from somewhere. He carried them over to the table and placed one in front of Izzie and the other in his seat. Then he pulled two wine glasses out and poured grape juice into both of them. When everything was ready he sat down.

"Alex, this is beautiful." Izzie said taking in everything that was now around her. "But why?"

"We're celebrating." Alex smiled at her and took a sip of her drink. Izzie looked back at him confused. She wasn't sure what they were celebrating.

"What are we celebrating?"

"Everything. Life." He offered. "You did such an amazing job up there today. We need to celebrate."

She looked back at him speculative. "You didn't just plan this today."

"No." he conceded. "But I knew you'd be amazing." He picked up his cutlery and began eating.

Izzie slowly began eating also but she had a feeling this wasn't the end of the surprises.

They'd eaten half the meal before Alex started talking again. "I made some phone calls this afternoon." He began. "There are three more schools in Seattle who'd like you to come talk to their students. If you want to."

Izzie's mouth dropped. "What?" She asked. Alex took a sip of his drink and kept talking.

"Last week after we made the practice video. I sent a copy of it to some schools. They thought you were really good." Izzie didn't say anything. She wasn't sure if she should be angry with him or grateful. "You don't have to do it if you don't want to but I thought it was a great opportunity for you."

Izzie picked up her drink and took a very long sip of it. She was trying to get her head around what Alex had just told her. She was excited, she was ecstatic, but she didn't like that he'd done this without telling her.

"I didn't tell you about it just in case they said no." Alex continued, reading her mind. "I didn't want to get your hopes up." Alex paused for a moment, Izzie still hadn't said anything. "Iz, say something."

She swallowed her drink and took a deep breath. She couldn't be mad at him for this. "Thank you." She said and a smiled spread across her face from ear to ear.

"No problem."Alex smiled and neither one of them said another word until the plates were clean.

Izzie was thinking about what Alex had done for her. She'd found her purpose and she couldn't be happier. Alex was happy to see to Izzie happy. And he was hoping she'd react just as well to his next surprise. When they'd finished eating he cleared the plates and brought over the desert. One very large piece of chocolate cake.

Just when he was almost at the table though he tripped. The cake landed squarely on the table but Alex fell to his knees. Izzie started laughing but she stopped a minute later when she realized Alex wasn't getting up. He was kneeling in front of her, he had one hand on her knee and the other in his pocket.

"Alex do you need help?" she asked. But he shook his head and pulled out of his pocket a small box.

Izzie's mouth dropped, she felt her heart begin to race. Was Alex doing what she thought he was doing?

Alex knelt before Izzie. In his chest he felt his heart racing. He'd thought long and hard about what he was about to do. He'd been plotting and planning this for the last few weeks. When the thought had first crossed his mind he wasn't sure he was read for it, but he was ready for it now. There was no doubt in his mind that he was ready, he just hoped Izzie was ready too.

"Izzie," he began. "You probably don't remember this but today has been one year since we started being together." He paused to check that she was listening. "It's been a rough year. I'd say it's been the best and worst year of my life. We've both gone through a lot. A lot of things have happened, a lot of things have changed. But through all of that I have learnt one thing. I love you. I don't know what I would do without you. I think this last year has shown me that more than anything else could. I don't want to scare you. You don't have to answer straight away. But I want to ask you. Will you marry me?"

Alex opened the box to reveal a tiny ring. Izzie stared at it. It took her a moment to realize it was her mother's engagement ring. She felt her heart being to race. She was overwhelmed. Alex was doing exactly what she thought he was doing.

"Iz?" He was looking up at her beckoning for a response. But she didn't know what to say. She couldn't form words. Instead she slipped off the chair and knelt before him. She reached down and took the box from his hands. She closed it and placed it on the table.

"Iz?" Alex asked again. He couldn't read her behavior. He wasn't sure if the things she was doing were a good or a bad thing.

"Alex," Izzie began and she reached down and wrapped her hands in his. She looked him in the eyes and said what she knew to be true. "I can't imagine my life with out you." And she lent forward and kissed him. They wrapped their arms around each other and fell to the floor. It only took a moment for them to completely forget about the cake.

* * *

**Yeah I'm a suck for the happy ending. But after everything I put them through I thought they deserved it. I hope you enjoyed the story.**


End file.
